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Count Those Blessings

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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

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Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Count Those Blessings

Whew! Boy, Jeanketeers, having Type 2 diabetes is no picnic. (Pun definitely intended!) To a person who believes in living life to the fullest and treating herself well, diabetes' constraints can be painful, to say the least. I always figured diabetics just took medication to regulate their insulin levels, but nope. I have to eat a diet lower in fat and calories, get regular exercise, and, most yucko of all, test my blood-sugar levels before meals by pricking my finger and taking a reading of the blood on a glucometer. A real bummer when you're dying to dig into your yummy (not!) salad. Also, I have to check my feet every day. (Don't ask.) It's a real bummer, too, especially since I have a little trouble with the reach. (I don't even wear shoes with laces!)

I realize that I have two ways of looking at my situation. I could choose to see my diabetes as an awful, debilitating setback, or I could see it as an opportunity to gain a new lease on life. I'm not really willing to choose either. After all, diabetes is controllable, and you can actually get away with a lot. It's a big myth that you can't ever eat sugar, and it's not like I have to be chained to a treadmill all day. My father has diabetes, and the last time he was in town to visit, he put away an entire rib-eye steak. He sure as heck doesn't let guilt or sensibility drag him down. (By the way, my dad looks just like that old-fashioned cartoon of Santa Claus. He actually gets a lot of side work playing Santa during the holidays. I wish he had looked more like Santa when I was young! Back then, he looked like Sebastian Cabot, and the neighborhood kids were terrified of him.)

Instead of being super-negative, or restlessly seeking wellness, I opt to recognize what's been good about my life up to now. Isn't that the healthiest option? I believe in counting my blessings. I made a list, and right now, I'm up to 27. That's a lot for anyone, I'm willing to bet! I don't have the space to list them all, so I'll give you a small sampling.

First, I'm really glad I live in the United States. The other day, I had to buy a little tube of glue to patch together a china cup I broke, so I drove to the hardware store on Thisbe Avenue. This might not seem extraordinary to you, but think about it. I could just go to the hardware store and pick up a tube of glue. Or I could've gone to the Pamida, or the Kmart, or a convenience store. There are so many places to get glue. And, since there are tons of places to buy it, that also means there are tons of tubes of glue. In fact, there are probably so many tubes of glue that the supply outstrips the demand, and they have to throw tubes out because they get old or dry or whatever. That's amazing! That, and freedom of expression, are why I'm so glad I live in the U.S.

I'm also thankful for my kitties, Priscilla and Garfield. They really enhance my life, and I'm sure they lower my blood pressure. I've still got diabetes anyway, but I wouldn't trade their companionship for a supermodel's body.

I've never been in a tornado. The windshield of my old car got dinged by hail once, but that's it. There should be a law that makes it illegal to complain unless you've been through a tornado.

I still get thrilled when I recall getting interviewed on WLTY's PM Magazine in 1982 for being part of a stripe on the living American flag during a July 4 parade. Just being part of the flag was fun enough, but how often does someone get an opportunity to appear on television?

I'm thankful that the city finally widened West Slocum Road, ending nearly a year of construction and providing more turnoff lanes onto Thisbe Avenue.

I'm proud that my hands are not all bony and veiny. They're very smooth and plump in a nice way. I don't like bones showing on people.

I'm grateful for Hubby Rick. Surprised? Well, as much as I get on his case sometimes, I'm glad I don't have to go through life alone. We're like two peas in a pod. Well, make that one pea in a pod, since Rick spends all his time at Tacky's Tavern when he's not working. I just meant I'm not utterly alone. Actually, being alone can be a blessing, too.

And I'm real grateful that cuteness was discovered. For me, if anything makes life bearable, it's things that are saucer-eyed, squeaky-voiced, and just good old-fashioned baby-ish. I consider cuteness one of the crowning hallmarks of civilization, because it helps people forget that there's violence and depravity in the world. To those who think cute things are dumb, I ask this: Would you have ever, of your own volition, come up with the idea of a mouthless kitten wearing a hair-bow? Maybe it's you who's dumb.

I thank God for the birds that come to my birdfeeder, and how pretty the clouds are when light rays filter through them. I like the feel of ballpoint pens against notebook paper. Laughter. Scented candles. WGGG-FM, home of the oldies. The coolness of a tile floor against your cheek. You know, stores stock a lot of cotton balls, too. It's not just glue. There's so much cotton. It can't all be coming from the American South. Maybe other countries grow it, too. Then you have to consider all the cotton they use for clothing and textiles.

I remember what I said about not complaining unless you've been in a tornado, but I hate having to cut down on chocolate. I don't get it. Chocolate is good for you. It helps your mood. Medical studies have proven this, so why can't diabetics have it?

Jeanketeers, I'm feeling a little lightheaded. The nurse told me that's an effect of diabetes. It's like there's little fireworks going off in front of my eyes. I'd better lay down and collect my thoughts. In the meantime, count your own blessings. Maybe we can compare notes. We could have a great big Blessing-Off, and the winner gets to come down with diabetes! Great idea, huh? I'll be in the bathroom.

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