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Cower, Puny Earthlings, For I Am Your New Project Leader

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Cower, Puny Earthlings, For I Am Your New Project Leader

Attention, puny earthlings! Abandon your petty tasks at once, turn your gaze upon me, and tremble! From this day forth you are subjects of a new ruler, one more powerful than your limited minds could possibly imagine. All shall obey my commands, for I am Dennis Hazlett, your new project leader, here to define quarterly goals and provide effective leadership with the aim of meeting or exceeding growth projections.

Kneel, insignificant humans, and cower before my might! The Product Services division of Internal Communications Group Inc. shall become my sovereign domain effective Monday at 8 a.m.

I come to you from far away, from Lake Forest Management School, to usher in a bold new era of productivity, just as I did during my brief stints at Bryant Consulting and Atrium Staffing Solutions. No longer shall you answer to the feeble, impotent managers in sales. Nay, you shall be restructured into three streamlined teams over which I—and only I—exercise complete dominion! And from this tripartite body I shall select three Team Leaders to execute my every decree and interoffice directive.

The rule of Brett Garvin, who is being transferred to our Plattsburgh office, has come to an end!

Forget the pitiful customs of your previous supervisors, my underlings, for I have destroyed the project-tracking spreadsheets of old and devised a new master schedule to impose order upon your worthless ranks. On the first Monday of every month you shall report to the kitchen to receive your Progress Update and enjoy a magnanimous feast from Panera Bread, for it brings me pleasure to offer a bounty of bagels and yogurt cups. But be wary: I am a capricious ruler and may withhold such snacks as readily as I bestow them.

And I hereby order you to notify Joanne if you have dietary restrictions! It is well within my vast powers to obtain gluten-free muffins and other breakfast alternatives. Yes, my strengths are many and great.

Prepare to gape in awe as I ruthlessly review existing practices to establish operational efficiencies the likes of which you can scarcely fathom. Gone is our former Microsoft-based project management software—banished forever! In time, you will learn the new and intuitive ways of Smartsheet, for my desires are threefold: efficiency, clarity, and productivity. And I shall not rest until we, as a group, identify business objectives that support our new performance targets—targets that far exceed the laughable limits of your crude imaginations.

Let it be known to all lowly supplicants that I shall have an office in the corner, right next to Rick’s, from which I shall reign. Those seeking mercy shall prostrate themselves before a desk festooned with fine breath mints, personal photos depicting my fun-loving nature, and a figurine of my alma mater’s mascot. There you may touch base, seek vacation time, or, with reasonable notice, request a personal day.

Your earthly brains will not comprehend my methods at first, as I create expansive, intricate Google documents of which I am the sole overseer, traversing freely across their infinite rows containing all sales figures, department expenses, and your lowly annual salaries and performance bonuses. I shall share them with Denise in IT, as per company policy, but she shall not have permission to edit them! Who can foresee what the future holds—perhaps one or two of you sniveling minions will even display enough competence to be granted conditional document privileges?

Take heed, foolish earthlings: Learn to adhere to my system, or perish under my rule. Or, as a third option, drop me a line sometime during the day, and we can both sit down and address our mutual points of concern one-on-one. Now ready yourselves, for I shall preside over you weaklings for the next six to eight weeks, or until Karen returns from maternity leave.

Now return to your cubicles, frail humans, and await the latest commands of your overlord, as I am soon to dispatch my Weekly Action Plan!

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