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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Cower, Puny Earthlings, For I Am Your New Project Leader

Attention, puny earthlings! Abandon your petty tasks at once, turn your gaze upon me, and tremble! From this day forth you are subjects of a new ruler, one more powerful than your limited minds could possibly imagine. All shall obey my commands, for I am Dennis Hazlett, your new project leader, here to define quarterly goals and provide effective leadership with the aim of meeting or exceeding growth projections.

Kneel, insignificant humans, and cower before my might! The Product Services division of Internal Communications Group Inc. shall become my sovereign domain effective Monday at 8 a.m.

I come to you from far away, from Lake Forest Management School, to usher in a bold new era of productivity, just as I did during my brief stints at Bryant Consulting and Atrium Staffing Solutions. No longer shall you answer to the feeble, impotent managers in sales. Nay, you shall be restructured into three streamlined teams over which I—and only I—exercise complete dominion! And from this tripartite body I shall select three Team Leaders to execute my every decree and interoffice directive.

The rule of Brett Garvin, who is being transferred to our Plattsburgh office, has come to an end!

Forget the pitiful customs of your previous supervisors, my underlings, for I have destroyed the project-tracking spreadsheets of old and devised a new master schedule to impose order upon your worthless ranks. On the first Monday of every month you shall report to the kitchen to receive your Progress Update and enjoy a magnanimous feast from Panera Bread, for it brings me pleasure to offer a bounty of bagels and yogurt cups. But be wary: I am a capricious ruler and may withhold such snacks as readily as I bestow them.

And I hereby order you to notify Joanne if you have dietary restrictions! It is well within my vast powers to obtain gluten-free muffins and other breakfast alternatives. Yes, my strengths are many and great.

Prepare to gape in awe as I ruthlessly review existing practices to establish operational efficiencies the likes of which you can scarcely fathom. Gone is our former Microsoft-based project management software—banished forever! In time, you will learn the new and intuitive ways of Smartsheet, for my desires are threefold: efficiency, clarity, and productivity. And I shall not rest until we, as a group, identify business objectives that support our new performance targets—targets that far exceed the laughable limits of your crude imaginations.

Let it be known to all lowly supplicants that I shall have an office in the corner, right next to Rick’s, from which I shall reign. Those seeking mercy shall prostrate themselves before a desk festooned with fine breath mints, personal photos depicting my fun-loving nature, and a figurine of my alma mater’s mascot. There you may touch base, seek vacation time, or, with reasonable notice, request a personal day.

Your earthly brains will not comprehend my methods at first, as I create expansive, intricate Google documents of which I am the sole overseer, traversing freely across their infinite rows containing all sales figures, department expenses, and your lowly annual salaries and performance bonuses. I shall share them with Denise in IT, as per company policy, but she shall not have permission to edit them! Who can foresee what the future holds—perhaps one or two of you sniveling minions will even display enough competence to be granted conditional document privileges?

Take heed, foolish earthlings: Learn to adhere to my system, or perish under my rule. Or, as a third option, drop me a line sometime during the day, and we can both sit down and address our mutual points of concern one-on-one. Now ready yourselves, for I shall preside over you weaklings for the next six to eight weeks, or until Karen returns from maternity leave.

Now return to your cubicles, frail humans, and await the latest commands of your overlord, as I am soon to dispatch my Weekly Action Plan!

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