Cuba Gooding Turned Me On To Pepsi One!

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Vol 35 Issue 05

Christopher Cross Finally Reaches Mexican Border

NOGALES, MEXICO—After nearly 20 years on the run, Grammy-winning singer-songwriter Christopher Cross finally reached the Mexican border Monday. "I had such a long way to go,"said Cross, who fled south after gunning down 10 in 1980, "but I've finally made it to the border of Mexico." Doctors, who described Cross' body as "weak," said much sleep would be necessary to restore the health of the fugitive adult-contemporary vocalist.

Area Man Has No Idea What He Went Downstairs For

METUCHEN, NJ—Thirty seconds after descending the stairs, Ken Bley, 41, announced he had no clue what he went downstairs for. "I don't think it was to get something," Bley said. "I think it might have been to check on something." Bley said that if he cannot recall his purpose in the next minute, he will return to the bedroom and try to reconstruct the train of thought that led to the mysterious task. "I'm thinking it had something to do with the kitchen," Bley said. "I have this picture of the pantry junk-drawer in my mind."

2-D Doritos Sales Lagging

DALLAS—In the wake of the launch of "Doritos 3-Ds," Frito-Lay is experiencing a sharp decrease in sales of its original two-dimensional Doritos. "The public has gone wild for our revolutionary three-dimensional chips, which, in addition to the usual length and width, also possess depth," Frito-Lay spokesman Isaac Toomer said. "So wild, in fact, they have lost interest in traditional monoplanar snack chips." Toomer said Frito-Lay is now developing a highly theoretical "Funyuns 4-D." "One day, people everywhere will enjoy crispy, extratemporal Funyuns that intersect with an infinite number of parallel universes," Toomer said. "It will be a whole new world of non-Euclidean snacking."

Magic-Markered Initials Fail To Deter Breakroom Rice-Cake Thief

FRESNO, CA—Despite clearly marking her initials on her rice-cake bag in black Magic Marker, secretary Elaine Fahey was once again the victim of I&G Marketing's breakroom rice-cake thief Monday. "Whoever's doing this really needs to learn about something called a supermarket," said Fahey, who has lost one strawberry and three caramel-apple rice cakes to the thief this month. "Rice cakes aren't free, you know." Fahey said she plans to take harsher security measures, including a Post-It note on the bag reading, "These are my rice cakes... Please get your own!!!"
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Innovation

Cuba Gooding Turned Me On To Pepsi One!

Item! Who's that fresh-faced pitchman enthusiastically extolling the virtues of Pepsi One? Why, it's none other than Oscar-winner Cuba Gooding Jr! "Do you want one? Do you?" Cuba, after seeing you get so excited about the drink, screaming and jumping up and down on that one fella's desk, I know I sure did! So much so, in fact, that I had one. And you know what? It's pretty darn good! If it hadn't been for Mr. Gooding Jr, I never would have tried it. I tip my hat to you, Cuba (pronounced KOO-buh), for making me get off my rump and try something exciting and new.

Item! Word on the Tinseltown grapevine is that Family Ties will be the next TV classic to make the leap to the big screen. No official word yet on who will be cast in the Alex P. Keaton role (Leonardo DiCaprio, perhaps?), but rumor has it that original Alex Michael J. Fox will play the father this time around. Stay tuned for details!

If you possibly can, be sure to pick up a copy of the latest issue of People magazine... It's got a picture of Gwyneth Paltrow in it.

Wasn't that an exciting Super Bowl? And what a halftime show! Get Gloria Estefan and Stevie Wonder to tap-dance together on a giant float, and you're guaranteed pure entertainment magic! And then there's the real reason everyone watches the Super Bowl--the commercials! Which was your favorite? The one with the talking dog? The one with the talking lizard? Or perhaps the one with the talking penguin? I say they're all winners! How do these advertising executives keep coming up with new animals to make talk? It's amazing! It's a good thing the Super Bowl isn't on every day, because if it were, I'd never leave the house!

Lately, I've been thinking that minivans aren't such a bad idea after all.

Item! World War II is hot hot hot, and no less than master dreambuilder Steven Spielberg has thrown his hat into the ring! His movie, 1941, is about a ragtag group of commandos led by Sgt. Rock (Tom Hanks), who must go behind enemy lines to rescue POW Pvt. Benjamin (Ben Affleck). Some powerful, powerful stuff there. Also entering the fray is newcomer Terrence Mallick, whose movie is called The Thin Blue Line. I probably won't see that one, since it has nothing to do with Spielberg, but I've heard it's pretty good. By the way, as long as they're making movies about The Big One, I'd love to see a movie about General Patton. Now there's an individual richly deserving of the Hollywood treatment.

According to recently published medical findings, African chimpanzees are the ones who started this whole AIDS thing. Come on, chimps, we humans are doing our part to stop this terrible disease, and so should you... wear a condom!

Item! Remember Jodie Foster and her baby daughter? Well, I have it on good authority that the child is a super-baby with genius intelligence! The little tyke is only nine months old, and already she's doing arithmetic and reading at a fifth-grade level! If you've followed Jodie's career like I have, this should come as no surprise. She is, after all, one of the nation's best and brightest. Plus, as seen in Contact, she has knowledge of aliens. Hmm... No one knows who the father is... You don't suppose? No, that's too crazy, even for me! Or is it?

People certainly seem to be going nutty over professional wrestling, and I've gotta tell you, I just don't get it. It's so obviously fake, but people don't seem to realize that. Wake up, people! Where's the sportsmanship? Where's the competition? It's all just a big sham!

Speaking of sports, I recently ordered Billy Blanks' Tae-Bo, and I have to say, I'm Tae-Hooked! Any workout system that can get Sinbad in the terrific shape he's in is all right by me.

Item! More movies are on their way, and are they ever spectacular! For example, Sharon Stone has a new movie coming out called Gloria, in which she is a leggy gangster's moll who suddenly has to take care of a sassy, streetwise kid. Could this be as big as The Mighty? Let's keep our fingers crossed for her!

Item! Word on the street is that Hollywood's next $20 million man is none other than rubber-faced funnyman and comeback kid Henry Winkler. White-hot thanks to his recent smash-hit comedy The Waterboy, Winkler can pretty much pick and choose his roles these days. What's next on Winkler's plate? My sources say that he's eyeing a remake of the 1990 classic Mo' Better Blues.

Say, it sure has been a wonderfully warm winter this year. If I had my druthers, all winters would be this balmy. Hooray for global warming!

Backstreet Boys vs. N'Sync: Which is your favorite? I used to prefer the Boys, but lately I've been more "in sync" with N'Sync. But whichever you prefer, make no mistake, both bands have so much heart and soul that it just bursts forth... song-style.

Well, faithful readers, that wraps up another edition of The Outside Scoop. Just remember, when you have those winter blahs, Dr. Harvey has just the cure: a spoonful of love and a heaping dose of Hollywood dreams. That'll pick your chin up in a hurry, I promise!

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