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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Cuba Gooding Turned Me On To Pepsi One!

Item! Who's that fresh-faced pitchman enthusiastically extolling the virtues of Pepsi One? Why, it's none other than Oscar-winner Cuba Gooding Jr! "Do you want one? Do you?" Cuba, after seeing you get so excited about the drink, screaming and jumping up and down on that one fella's desk, I know I sure did! So much so, in fact, that I had one. And you know what? It's pretty darn good! If it hadn't been for Mr. Gooding Jr, I never would have tried it. I tip my hat to you, Cuba (pronounced KOO-buh), for making me get off my rump and try something exciting and new.

Item! Word on the Tinseltown grapevine is that Family Ties will be the next TV classic to make the leap to the big screen. No official word yet on who will be cast in the Alex P. Keaton role (Leonardo DiCaprio, perhaps?), but rumor has it that original Alex Michael J. Fox will play the father this time around. Stay tuned for details!

If you possibly can, be sure to pick up a copy of the latest issue of People magazine... It's got a picture of Gwyneth Paltrow in it.

Wasn't that an exciting Super Bowl? And what a halftime show! Get Gloria Estefan and Stevie Wonder to tap-dance together on a giant float, and you're guaranteed pure entertainment magic! And then there's the real reason everyone watches the Super Bowl--the commercials! Which was your favorite? The one with the talking dog? The one with the talking lizard? Or perhaps the one with the talking penguin? I say they're all winners! How do these advertising executives keep coming up with new animals to make talk? It's amazing! It's a good thing the Super Bowl isn't on every day, because if it were, I'd never leave the house!

Lately, I've been thinking that minivans aren't such a bad idea after all.

Item! World War II is hot hot hot, and no less than master dreambuilder Steven Spielberg has thrown his hat into the ring! His movie, 1941, is about a ragtag group of commandos led by Sgt. Rock (Tom Hanks), who must go behind enemy lines to rescue POW Pvt. Benjamin (Ben Affleck). Some powerful, powerful stuff there. Also entering the fray is newcomer Terrence Mallick, whose movie is called The Thin Blue Line. I probably won't see that one, since it has nothing to do with Spielberg, but I've heard it's pretty good. By the way, as long as they're making movies about The Big One, I'd love to see a movie about General Patton. Now there's an individual richly deserving of the Hollywood treatment.

According to recently published medical findings, African chimpanzees are the ones who started this whole AIDS thing. Come on, chimps, we humans are doing our part to stop this terrible disease, and so should you... wear a condom!

Item! Remember Jodie Foster and her baby daughter? Well, I have it on good authority that the child is a super-baby with genius intelligence! The little tyke is only nine months old, and already she's doing arithmetic and reading at a fifth-grade level! If you've followed Jodie's career like I have, this should come as no surprise. She is, after all, one of the nation's best and brightest. Plus, as seen in Contact, she has knowledge of aliens. Hmm... No one knows who the father is... You don't suppose? No, that's too crazy, even for me! Or is it?

People certainly seem to be going nutty over professional wrestling, and I've gotta tell you, I just don't get it. It's so obviously fake, but people don't seem to realize that. Wake up, people! Where's the sportsmanship? Where's the competition? It's all just a big sham!

Speaking of sports, I recently ordered Billy Blanks' Tae-Bo, and I have to say, I'm Tae-Hooked! Any workout system that can get Sinbad in the terrific shape he's in is all right by me.

Item! More movies are on their way, and are they ever spectacular! For example, Sharon Stone has a new movie coming out called Gloria, in which she is a leggy gangster's moll who suddenly has to take care of a sassy, streetwise kid. Could this be as big as The Mighty? Let's keep our fingers crossed for her!

Item! Word on the street is that Hollywood's next $20 million man is none other than rubber-faced funnyman and comeback kid Henry Winkler. White-hot thanks to his recent smash-hit comedy The Waterboy, Winkler can pretty much pick and choose his roles these days. What's next on Winkler's plate? My sources say that he's eyeing a remake of the 1990 classic Mo' Better Blues.

Say, it sure has been a wonderfully warm winter this year. If I had my druthers, all winters would be this balmy. Hooray for global warming!

Backstreet Boys vs. N'Sync: Which is your favorite? I used to prefer the Boys, but lately I've been more "in sync" with N'Sync. But whichever you prefer, make no mistake, both bands have so much heart and soul that it just bursts forth... song-style.

Well, faithful readers, that wraps up another edition of The Outside Scoop. Just remember, when you have those winter blahs, Dr. Harvey has just the cure: a spoonful of love and a heaping dose of Hollywood dreams. That'll pick your chin up in a hurry, I promise!

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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