adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Curse You, Rogue Highwayman!

For the past week the Zweibel Estate has been transformed into a vast fortress. The servants have been busy boarding up the windows, digging trenches and sandbagging the grounds. Why, you ask? A rogue highwayman rides loose in the county, robbing wealthy landowners and distributing the ill-gotten gains to the destitute peasantry. Bring me the head of Black Scarlet, bandit and fiend!

He may find easy pickings among rich and weak idlers, but he has never tasted the might of T. Herman Zweibel! It is true that Black Scarlet is as cunning and elusive as an eel. But when he meets my Swiss Guard and their cauldrons of boiling glue, he will think twice before relieving me of my doubloons!

Ah, Standish, my loyal manservant! I see you have polished my musket to a blinding lustre! The better to finish off Black Scarlet. Bring me my weapon, Standish, and be quick about it!

Wait. You are not Standish. But why are you dressed like him? No one told me about a new manservant. Are you from the agency? What do you mean, "Stand and deliver"?

Aargh! Black Scarlet! Curse you for the very Devil himself! How did you elude my Swiss Guard? Never mind, I will pull yon velvet rope and summon my elite Hessian mercenaries!

Where are those mercenaries? Why, they are still behind the secret door, all bound and gagged, their foreheads branded with the mark of the Black Scarlet! Curse you, Black Scarlet!

Put me down, you blackguard! He is placing me in my armoire and hanging me off a peg. What humiliation! Curses, he has found my treasure-chest and is helping himself to my gold and jewels! How I despise you, Black Scarlet! Does your appetite for plunder never cease?

Now he is using the velvet rope to swing himself and his bag of purloined swag out my open bedchamber window and onto the back of his faithful steed! Off they go into the hills!

You are truly the Crown Prince of Thieves, Black Scarlet. For that reason I grant you my grudging respect. But as God is my witness, we shall meet again, and Fate will not be in your favor! I pledge to hang you myself—from the highest scaffold in the land!

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close