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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Curse You, Rogue Highwayman!

For the past week the Zweibel Estate has been transformed into a vast fortress. The servants have been busy boarding up the windows, digging trenches and sandbagging the grounds. Why, you ask? A rogue highwayman rides loose in the county, robbing wealthy landowners and distributing the ill-gotten gains to the destitute peasantry. Bring me the head of Black Scarlet, bandit and fiend!

He may find easy pickings among rich and weak idlers, but he has never tasted the might of T. Herman Zweibel! It is true that Black Scarlet is as cunning and elusive as an eel. But when he meets my Swiss Guard and their cauldrons of boiling glue, he will think twice before relieving me of my doubloons!

Ah, Standish, my loyal manservant! I see you have polished my musket to a blinding lustre! The better to finish off Black Scarlet. Bring me my weapon, Standish, and be quick about it!

Wait. You are not Standish. But why are you dressed like him? No one told me about a new manservant. Are you from the agency? What do you mean, "Stand and deliver"?

Aargh! Black Scarlet! Curse you for the very Devil himself! How did you elude my Swiss Guard? Never mind, I will pull yon velvet rope and summon my elite Hessian mercenaries!

Where are those mercenaries? Why, they are still behind the secret door, all bound and gagged, their foreheads branded with the mark of the Black Scarlet! Curse you, Black Scarlet!

Put me down, you blackguard! He is placing me in my armoire and hanging me off a peg. What humiliation! Curses, he has found my treasure-chest and is helping himself to my gold and jewels! How I despise you, Black Scarlet! Does your appetite for plunder never cease?

Now he is using the velvet rope to swing himself and his bag of purloined swag out my open bedchamber window and onto the back of his faithful steed! Off they go into the hills!

You are truly the Crown Prince of Thieves, Black Scarlet. For that reason I grant you my grudging respect. But as God is my witness, we shall meet again, and Fate will not be in your favor! I pledge to hang you myself—from the highest scaffold in the land!

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