Damn You, Hearst!

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Vol 34 Issue 09

CBS: L.A. Doctors Not Some Kind Of Joke

NEW YORK—CBS programming executives reiterated their insistence Monday that the network's new medical drama L.A. Doctors is not some kind of joke. "We are putting out a show called L.A. Doctors and are doing so with no humorous intent," CBS president Leslie Moonves said. "Each week, the triumphs and tribulations of a group of attractive young Los Angeles doctors will be sincerely dramatized on this not-a-joke program." CBS is rolling out a high-profile promo campaign for L.A. Doctors featuring the slogan, "We Are Honestly Not Kidding About This Show."

Area Man Expected To Work With These Incompetents

HOUSTON—Morton Schuitt, a distribution supervisor with DataTech Enterprises, is expected to work with these incompetents, it was learned Monday. "Can you believe the people I have to work with here?" the incredulous Schuitt said. "They can barely tie their own shoes, much less stick to a monthly distribution schedule." Sources indicate that for the money Schuitt is getting for what he has to put up with, it is a miracle he didn't leave DataTech long ago.

Wacky Forensics Investigation Turns Autopsy-Turvy

DETROIT—A forensics examination turned autopsy-turvy Tuesday, when Wayne County coroner Ben Frisch accidentally switched a pair of corpses. As a result of the wacky mix-up, the death of 22-year-old gunshot victim Andre Watts was determined to be a stab wound to the aortic valve, while the cause of death for 47-year-old stabbing victim Bill Lewiston was listed as "gunshot wound, left temple." "Yikes!" said the screwball coroner upon discovering his zany mistake. "Looks like I really goofed this time."

Husband Pretty Sure He Hooked Up Gas Stove Correctly

BAKERSFIELD, CA—Area husband Dan Zollner is "almost positive" that the Hotpoint gas stove he recently purchased is hooked up correctly. "Don't worry, honey, I'm 99.9 percent sure I did it right," Zollner told wife Diane after the fourth installation attempt. "I don't even hear that hissing sound in the back anymore. All the gas seems to be getting into the stove where it belongs." Zollner said he is "real proud" that he was able to hook up the stove without any assistance.

Dying Mastermind Pulls Red Lever

LIBERTY CITY—With his last ounce of strength, dying evil genius Dr. Mordred pulled a red lever Monday, activating his diabolical Ragnarok Device and spelling certain doom for humanity. According to witnesses, moments after Mordred pulled the lever, red siren lights and honking klaxons went off, indicating to the people of Earth that their fate is sealed and that there is nothing they can do about it. The Ragnarok Device will emit Megatronic Sonic-Disruptor Waves into the Earth's core in less than five hours, causing the planet to explode, unless Captain Alpha can be contacted in time.

Russia's Woes?

Russia is currently in the grips of the worst economic and political turmoil it has seen since the breakup of the Soviet Union. What do you think about the woeful state of our former enemy?

Everybody's Swinging, Daddy-O!

Item! All across America, kids are putting on their Zoot Suits and lining up around the block to swing dance again! Sparked by the smash-hit Gap ad, the swing craze is really taking off! In fact, so many people are doing the "Lindberg Hop," the "Shoe-Buckle Shake" and the "Over The River And Through The Woods," it's like it's 1943 all over again! Hey, is that Adolf Hitler over there cutting a rug with Eva Braun? I think it is!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Damn You, Hearst!

From the Bed-chamber of T. Herman Zweibel.
The Zweibel Estate.
To Mr. William Randolph Hearst.
San Simeon, California.

Dear Bastard:
As you, I and every-one else in the Republic knows, you are only building that palace at San Simeon because you wish to emulate my own enormous and imposing mansion here out East. You are always trying to up-stage me, whether in the pages of your fish-wrapper scandal-sheets or through your own political ambitions. You would not have tried to run for President if I had not become Governor of this state. And your acquisition of a mistress, that cheap blonde floozy Ziegfeld Girl Marion Davies, was clearly based on my unfruitful attempts to woo the lovely Miss Lillian Gish.

Even your biggest-selling news story, the Fatty Arbuckle manslaughter case, was inspired by The Onion's attempt to pin a brutal pie-throwing on one of the comics in the moving-daguerreotype comedies. Unfortunately, we never positively ascertained the man's identity, other than "The One Fellow With The Big Walrus Mustache And Derby Hat Who Threw A Pie In That Lady's Face." This happened in the years before the actors and actresses of the moving-daguerreotypes were clearly identified before the commencement of the story.

Then there is that lousy little Chicago newspaper-man, Robert McCormick, who immodestly insists on having every-one call him "Colonel." What is not well-known is that young McCormick learned his trade at my very knee, having been an office-boy at The Onion back in the late 1890s. I later found out that he himself was a member of a news-paper publishing family and that he only sought employment at The Onion in order to learn my secrets! He even cops my own I-hate-everything-except-America philosophy and stuffs his Chicago Tribunal with more advertisements than news-copy, just like The Onion.

Damn you, Hearst! Despite my rantings against you, you continue to hold some sort of hypnotic sway over the citizens of the Republic. If I alone cannot convince the American people of your wickedness, I hope that some-day, some other conscientious individual will really take you to the cleaners. Perhaps this individual will make a devastating moving-daguerreotype picture-play based upon your life, exposing you in all your corruption and debauchery.

Sincerely yours,

T. Herman Zweibel

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