Damn You, Hearst!

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Good Times

Damn You, Hearst!

From the Bed-chamber of T. Herman Zweibel.
The Zweibel Estate.
To Mr. William Randolph Hearst.
San Simeon, California.

Dear Bastard:
As you, I and every-one else in the Republic knows, you are only building that palace at San Simeon because you wish to emulate my own enormous and imposing mansion here out East. You are always trying to up-stage me, whether in the pages of your fish-wrapper scandal-sheets or through your own political ambitions. You would not have tried to run for President if I had not become Governor of this state. And your acquisition of a mistress, that cheap blonde floozy Ziegfeld Girl Marion Davies, was clearly based on my unfruitful attempts to woo the lovely Miss Lillian Gish.

Even your biggest-selling news story, the Fatty Arbuckle manslaughter case, was inspired by The Onion's attempt to pin a brutal pie-throwing on one of the comics in the moving-daguerreotype comedies. Unfortunately, we never positively ascertained the man's identity, other than "The One Fellow With The Big Walrus Mustache And Derby Hat Who Threw A Pie In That Lady's Face." This happened in the years before the actors and actresses of the moving-daguerreotypes were clearly identified before the commencement of the story.

Then there is that lousy little Chicago newspaper-man, Robert McCormick, who immodestly insists on having every-one call him "Colonel." What is not well-known is that young McCormick learned his trade at my very knee, having been an office-boy at The Onion back in the late 1890s. I later found out that he himself was a member of a news-paper publishing family and that he only sought employment at The Onion in order to learn my secrets! He even cops my own I-hate-everything-except-America philosophy and stuffs his Chicago Tribunal with more advertisements than news-copy, just like The Onion.

Damn you, Hearst! Despite my rantings against you, you continue to hold some sort of hypnotic sway over the citizens of the Republic. If I alone cannot convince the American people of your wickedness, I hope that some-day, some other conscientious individual will really take you to the cleaners. Perhaps this individual will make a devastating moving-daguerreotype picture-play based upon your life, exposing you in all your corruption and debauchery.

Sincerely yours,

T. Herman Zweibel