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Darva's Baring Her Congers In Playboy!

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Darva's Baring Her Congers In Playboy!

Item! Would-be millionaire-marryer Darva Conger is going to be taking it all off in an upcoming issue of Playboy! I have it on good authority that the bronzed, leathery bride of Rick Rockwell will be taking a vow of full-frontal nudity in an upcoming issue of the racy magazine. Do I want to see what was underneath that nationally televised bridal gown? I do!

Up The Creek 2? It could happen.

Item! Hey, who took ABC off everyone's cable? What a bunch of meanies! Who would shut out the house of wholesome family entertainment that Walt built? And on Dharma & Greg night, no less! The guilty party is that Time Warner-owning billionaire Ted Turner and his wife, leggy liberal Jane Fonda. Those monopolistic cowards. Entertainment doesn't belong to the big-money fatcats–It belongs to the people!

Is the nation sleeping, or have we all forgotten that we should be in the throes of Olympic mania right about now?

Boy, the last month sure has seen one wild roller-coaster ride on Wall Street. The Dow Jones has gone up and down like a bobber being grabbed by a trout! If I had any money tied up in the stock market, I'd probably be dead from high blood pressure! That's why I'm going to offer you Jackie Harvey's prime investment tip: Put half your money into savings, a quarter of it into a nice high-yield CD, and the last quarter into government bonds.

I've always been a cat person, but I like dogs, too.

I'm not sure what all the hubbub over genetically modified foods is about. What's so bad about having a carrot the size of a forearm? Just think of the enhanced abilities we could get from eating those wonder foodstuffs. Why, we'll be a race of super-humans! I don't know about you, but I'd sure like to have X-ray vision and the ability to dunk.

Item! Cardinal Carroll O'Connor, best known for playing Archie Bunker and heading the world's largest Catholic diocese, has passed away. Who else can make the claim that they soothed the world with spiritual salve and tickled our collective funnybone? He was a wonderful man, and no meathead can ever take that away from us.

Hey, everyone, after months of agonized waiting, Star Wars is finally out on video! Now you can see Luke, Leia, and that loveable Chewie swing into action in the comfort of your own home! I bought two copies, one to watch and one for collector's value.

With all the news about the Internet super highway, I suppose I should mention that the world wide web is being sued by the rock band Metallica. Unfortunately, I don't know what for. It's definitely news, though, and so long as something is news, I should mention it. For more information, consult your local library.

Item! Dishy actress Halle Berry, who plays The Weather Girl in the upcoming can't-miss blockbuster Generation X-Men, apparently was involved in a hit-and-run incident. This wouldn't be the first time. She's already pulled a hit and run on my heart!

Who wants to be a VJ? Jackie Harvey, that's who! MTV, if you're listening, I'm your man. From ABC to ZZ Top, I've got the goods to introduce all the hottest videos the American music industry has to offer.

Speaking of hot, the summer hasn't even begun yet, and the race for the summer's big movie is already heating up! There's The Gladiator, I Dreamed Of Africans, and the sizzling new Mark Addy film, Flintstones: Viva Stonelantic City. And I'm sure Will Smith's got something great cooked up for us, as always. I have it on good authority, though, that the pick of the litter is going to be Blow Fish, an action-comedy about a pair of wisecracking, cocaine-smiggling marlins in the Florida Keys. Wait: Did I say "smiggling"? I meant "smuggling"! Oh, Jackie, you forgot to put on your typing hands this morning!

Well, that's all the space I have for now. It seems so unfair. I didn't even get around to mentioning Drew Carey's Cinderella, or the "Will You Marry Me?" compu-virus, or even the latest on those Enrique Iglesias-Ashley Judd rumors. But that's why this is a regular column–so I can keep dishing out the dirt you keep coming back for, time after time. So, until next time, this is Jackie Harvey, shielding his eyes from the blinding glare of the Hollywood stars!

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