adBlockCheck

Darva's Baring Her Congers In Playboy!

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Darva's Baring Her Congers In Playboy!

Item! Would-be millionaire-marryer Darva Conger is going to be taking it all off in an upcoming issue of Playboy! I have it on good authority that the bronzed, leathery bride of Rick Rockwell will be taking a vow of full-frontal nudity in an upcoming issue of the racy magazine. Do I want to see what was underneath that nationally televised bridal gown? I do!

Up The Creek 2? It could happen.

Item! Hey, who took ABC off everyone's cable? What a bunch of meanies! Who would shut out the house of wholesome family entertainment that Walt built? And on Dharma & Greg night, no less! The guilty party is that Time Warner-owning billionaire Ted Turner and his wife, leggy liberal Jane Fonda. Those monopolistic cowards. Entertainment doesn't belong to the big-money fatcats–It belongs to the people!

Is the nation sleeping, or have we all forgotten that we should be in the throes of Olympic mania right about now?

Boy, the last month sure has seen one wild roller-coaster ride on Wall Street. The Dow Jones has gone up and down like a bobber being grabbed by a trout! If I had any money tied up in the stock market, I'd probably be dead from high blood pressure! That's why I'm going to offer you Jackie Harvey's prime investment tip: Put half your money into savings, a quarter of it into a nice high-yield CD, and the last quarter into government bonds.

I've always been a cat person, but I like dogs, too.

I'm not sure what all the hubbub over genetically modified foods is about. What's so bad about having a carrot the size of a forearm? Just think of the enhanced abilities we could get from eating those wonder foodstuffs. Why, we'll be a race of super-humans! I don't know about you, but I'd sure like to have X-ray vision and the ability to dunk.

Item! Cardinal Carroll O'Connor, best known for playing Archie Bunker and heading the world's largest Catholic diocese, has passed away. Who else can make the claim that they soothed the world with spiritual salve and tickled our collective funnybone? He was a wonderful man, and no meathead can ever take that away from us.

Hey, everyone, after months of agonized waiting, Star Wars is finally out on video! Now you can see Luke, Leia, and that loveable Chewie swing into action in the comfort of your own home! I bought two copies, one to watch and one for collector's value.

With all the news about the Internet super highway, I suppose I should mention that the world wide web is being sued by the rock band Metallica. Unfortunately, I don't know what for. It's definitely news, though, and so long as something is news, I should mention it. For more information, consult your local library.

Item! Dishy actress Halle Berry, who plays The Weather Girl in the upcoming can't-miss blockbuster Generation X-Men, apparently was involved in a hit-and-run incident. This wouldn't be the first time. She's already pulled a hit and run on my heart!

Who wants to be a VJ? Jackie Harvey, that's who! MTV, if you're listening, I'm your man. From ABC to ZZ Top, I've got the goods to introduce all the hottest videos the American music industry has to offer.

Speaking of hot, the summer hasn't even begun yet, and the race for the summer's big movie is already heating up! There's The Gladiator, I Dreamed Of Africans, and the sizzling new Mark Addy film, Flintstones: Viva Stonelantic City. And I'm sure Will Smith's got something great cooked up for us, as always. I have it on good authority, though, that the pick of the litter is going to be Blow Fish, an action-comedy about a pair of wisecracking, cocaine-smiggling marlins in the Florida Keys. Wait: Did I say "smiggling"? I meant "smuggling"! Oh, Jackie, you forgot to put on your typing hands this morning!

Well, that's all the space I have for now. It seems so unfair. I didn't even get around to mentioning Drew Carey's Cinderella, or the "Will You Marry Me?" compu-virus, or even the latest on those Enrique Iglesias-Ashley Judd rumors. But that's why this is a regular column–so I can keep dishing out the dirt you keep coming back for, time after time. So, until next time, this is Jackie Harvey, shielding his eyes from the blinding glare of the Hollywood stars!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close