adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
End Of Section
  • More News

Depends Ain't So Damn Dependable

Lately, I've been getting pretty tired of having to change my pants constantly. It's no fun having to go put on a pair of fresh trousers every time a dog barks or a door slams too loud.

So, the other day, I was watching TV in the nursing home's rec room when one of those Depends commercials came on. You know, the ones with the happy-looking gray-haired couples riding bicycles. They seemed to really be enjoying the diapers, so, figuring it was worth a shot, I headed over to the local Walgreens and picked myself up a 12-pack.

When I got back to the senior center, I strapped a pair on, and, at first, it seemed pretty promising: Snug around the legs with plenty of room for cargo in the back, the Depends felt like they just might be the answer to my troubles.

But I quickly found out something—Depends ain't so damn dependable. I don't know what those confounded things are made of, but I didn't have them on more than 30 minutes before they fell halfway to my knees, sopping wet and stained the color of lemonade.

I was more than a little irate. After all, I could have spent that money on Brach's sourballs or a new TV Guide. My mind set on a full refund and no less, I headed straight back to the Walgreens.

After a barrage of questions that, I must say, were very personal, the lady at the photo-finishing counter determined that I had put on the Depends incorrectly. She said I was supposed to have the plastic side with the wetness-check strips on the outside, not the inside.

For the next few days, her advice seemed to do the trick: With my newfound understanding of how to properly put on the undergarment, I was able to successfully manipulate the various straps, buttons and sticky strips each morning and be worry-free until sometime in the middle of the day. At that point, I simply had to remove the diaper, its innards loaded down with waste materials but its outside dry and shiny, and heft it into the garbage. Then I simply replaced it with a fresh one from my late wife's macrame bag, and, presto, I was set through the start of the CBS prime-time line-up.

Unfortunately, the smooth sailing did not last: I started having major problems with the Depends on Friday, which is taco day at the nursing home. While they had worked fine on typical "light flow" days—three urinations at five-hour intervals and a small defecation in the evening—they were not equipped to handle a Friday load, which is almost always much heavier, what with my difficulties digesting meat.

An hour after a nice lunch consisting of a taco, fruit cup and scooter pie, the trouble began. I barely made it back to my room when I felt a warm, spongy feeling creeping down my leg. Sure enough, on my good dress slacks, there was a yellow line running from my privates to my slippers, with an enormous brown circle in the back. Apparently, the Depends' safety straps had collapsed under the weight of what I consider to be merely a medium-sized defecation.

Furious, I marched right back into the Walgreens and demanded my money back, placing the offensive article on the checkout counter, thoughtfully placed inside a Denny's doggie-bag I'd been saving under my bed. After some discussion, the store manager agreed to give me my refund, and I left with my $8.99 in hand.

I will shop at Walgreens again, because I feel they have a good return policy—within 14 days with receipt and your full money back—but I'll tell you this: You'll never catch me diaper-shopping in the "adult needs" section again. Me and Depends, we're through.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close