Desperate Times Call For Desperate Housewives

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Vol 40 Issue 50

Dad's Marine Corps Training Evident During Christmas-Present Opening

CHARLESTON, SC—Retired Cpl. Kent Packard, 58, rarely puts his Marine Corps expertise to use, except during the yearly Christmas gift exchange, family sources reported Monday. "Every year, exactly two hours after cutting the ham, Dad makes us line up by the tree, then he distributes the presents to us in increasing order of age," his 17-year-old son Jerome said. "When he unwraps his own gifts, he lines up the pieces of cardboard and plastic packaging in a neat row, like he's field-stripping a rifle." Although family members say they admire Packard's acumen, they've warned him against waking the house with a Christmas-morning bugle rendition of "Jingle Bells."

Risk Champ Flunks Geography Test

ALBANY, NY—Alfred Wu, the 13-year-old winner of the 2004 East Coast Risk Championship, flunked his 8th-grade world-geography test, social-studies teacher Jane Laurent reported Monday. "His test paper was filled with names like Kamchatka and Yakutsk, and the Ukraine spread over half of Europe," Laurent said. "And, by his account, the U.S. is made up of only three states: Eastern United States, Western United States, and Alaska." Last week, Wu received an "F" on a paper he wrote about Napoleonic military Stratego.

Area Man Too Busy For His Buddy Phil, Eh?

JEFFERSON CITY, MO—College chum Steve Maeske is apparently too busy to give his buddy Phil a quick ring, sources reported Monday. "Phil, honestly, you know I'd love to go out to help you celebrate your birthday," said Maeske, who's been like a ghost ever since he married that Veronica woman. "It's just that, with work and the new baby, I don't have a spare minute. Come on, you can understand, can't you?" Sources close to Maeske don't see why he can't go out for one damn beer.

Sports-Related Murder Provides Perfect Local-News Segue

PHOENIX—The arrest of former Arizona State running back Darius Cantrell in connection with a homicide provided the perfect segue from local news to the sports report on KPHO CBS 5's News At Ten Monday. "Cantrell, who is charged with stabbing his ex-girlfriend 38 times, is being held without bail," anchor Diana Sullivan said. "Speaking of sports, can the Cardinals' coach bail the team out of a third-place finish in the NFC West? Our own Gary Cruz will have the verdict after the break." It was the station's most convenient transition to sports since May 1996, when an anchor moved from a piece on sex toys with the phrase, "and speaking of long double headers..."

Iraq Troops Complain

Last week, troops complained to Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld about extended deployments and poor equipment. What do you think?

Stopping Steroids

Major League Basball is under pressure to impose tougher rules against steroids. How do they plan to prevent the use of performance-enhancing drugs?
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Desperate Times Call For Desperate Housewives

We Americans are not strangers to hardship. We have endured economic woes, enmity between the states, and protracted campaigns in foreign lands. We have survived imperialist wars; we have survived unexpected attacks; we have seen countless lives wasted. Since America declared its independence, each successive generation has met a unique and unexpected challenge, but ours is the first to face the worst hardships of many generations in legion. Fellow citizens, we are living in desperate times, and desperate times call for Desperate Housewives.

Each morning, our newspapers bring reports of chaos in the Mideast, violence in our schools, and a leadership in disarray. Our televisions, once cynosures for placid reflection, are now given to reports of violence and injustice. Maintaining our purity of heart while staring into the widening chasm of world events is a task for which many of us feel ill-equipped. In times like these, we must fix our gaze upon Wisteria Lane. For, as everyone here at ABC can assure you, there is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with Desperate Housewives.

On the surface, our nation is sharply divided between the red states and the blue. But look deeper, tune in, and watch as Bree Van De Kamp bonds unexpectedly with Mary Alice's troubled son Zach. At the heart of our great nation is a friendship between Bree and Zach. And so watch Desperate Housewives, and find out what lies buried beneath Mary Alice's pool. When you do, I promise that it will be every bit as emotionally satisfying as the revelation that Mrs. Huber wrote the mysterious note that Mary Alice received before her untimely death.

Questions... Doubts... Will single-mom Susan find new love with Mike Delfino? What sort of "plumber" is Mike, anyway? And what of Lynette, who has deferred her dreams of corporate success? What of the lawnboy, who takes his affair with Gabrielle to heart? Friends, dare to leave conundrums unsolved, unsimplified. For Desperate Housewives, like America's participatory democracy, is always changing, infinite in its variety—sometimes turbulent—and all the more valuable for having had its shocking conclusion shaped by focus groups from multiple demographics. Stay tuned! This week's episode is a doozy.

Yes, allow chaos. Allow mystery. For our nation was not shaped by short, 30-minute outbursts of emotion, but by the tranquil and steady dedication of Rex Van De Kamp, who agreed to seek counseling to rectify his marriage with Bree. Tune in, America.

For, without the collective efforts of many, we Americans will find ourselves doing much worse than burning down our neighbors' houses, taking our childrens' medication, and almost bringing down the entire NFL through our lascivious pre-game locker-room seduction of Terrell Owens.

To paraphrase George Santayana: A man's feet must be planted in his country, but his eyes should follow ABC's Sunday primetime line-up, with Extreme Makeover at 8:00 p.m. EST, Desperate Housewives at 9:00 p.m. EST, and liberty and justice for all.

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