Desperate Times Call For Desperate Housewives

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Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years ...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

TV Show Under Fire For Depicting Murder

LOS ANGELES—In what is being described as perhaps the most shocking and distasteful moment in broadcast history, the popular primetime television show Criminal Minds is facing heavy criticism today for airing an episode that depicted the act ...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Preparedness

  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Desperate Times Call For Desperate Housewives

We Americans are not strangers to hardship. We have endured economic woes, enmity between the states, and protracted campaigns in foreign lands. We have survived imperialist wars; we have survived unexpected attacks; we have seen countless lives wasted. Since America declared its independence, each successive generation has met a unique and unexpected challenge, but ours is the first to face the worst hardships of many generations in legion. Fellow citizens, we are living in desperate times, and desperate times call for Desperate Housewives.

Each morning, our newspapers bring reports of chaos in the Mideast, violence in our schools, and a leadership in disarray. Our televisions, once cynosures for placid reflection, are now given to reports of violence and injustice. Maintaining our purity of heart while staring into the widening chasm of world events is a task for which many of us feel ill-equipped. In times like these, we must fix our gaze upon Wisteria Lane. For, as everyone here at ABC can assure you, there is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with Desperate Housewives.

On the surface, our nation is sharply divided between the red states and the blue. But look deeper, tune in, and watch as Bree Van De Kamp bonds unexpectedly with Mary Alice's troubled son Zach. At the heart of our great nation is a friendship between Bree and Zach. And so watch Desperate Housewives, and find out what lies buried beneath Mary Alice's pool. When you do, I promise that it will be every bit as emotionally satisfying as the revelation that Mrs. Huber wrote the mysterious note that Mary Alice received before her untimely death.

Questions... Doubts... Will single-mom Susan find new love with Mike Delfino? What sort of "plumber" is Mike, anyway? And what of Lynette, who has deferred her dreams of corporate success? What of the lawnboy, who takes his affair with Gabrielle to heart? Friends, dare to leave conundrums unsolved, unsimplified. For Desperate Housewives, like America's participatory democracy, is always changing, infinite in its variety—sometimes turbulent—and all the more valuable for having had its shocking conclusion shaped by focus groups from multiple demographics. Stay tuned! This week's episode is a doozy.

Yes, allow chaos. Allow mystery. For our nation was not shaped by short, 30-minute outbursts of emotion, but by the tranquil and steady dedication of Rex Van De Kamp, who agreed to seek counseling to rectify his marriage with Bree. Tune in, America.

For, without the collective efforts of many, we Americans will find ourselves doing much worse than burning down our neighbors' houses, taking our childrens' medication, and almost bringing down the entire NFL through our lascivious pre-game locker-room seduction of Terrell Owens.

To paraphrase George Santayana: A man's feet must be planted in his country, but his eyes should follow ABC's Sunday primetime line-up, with Extreme Makeover at 8:00 p.m. EST, Desperate Housewives at 9:00 p.m. EST, and liberty and justice for all.

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