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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Destination: Another Level

Baby, you are the one true love of my life. You are the one I dream about both night and day. You are the one who lights the fire of my desire. Also, you have beautiful facial skin.

It is because of these various things that I want to take you to another level. Do you desire anything? Let me know, and I will fulfill that thing. Do you want me to serve you a glass of the most expensive white wine that can be purchased in all of Asia? Do you want me to caress your body so slow that it drives you crazy? Do you want me to arrange a ride in an extra-long limousine, stocked with many sodas and steered by a professionally trained driver? All you have to do is tell me your wish, because that wish is my command. I will even get down on one knee if you desire it.

If you let me fulfill your fantasies, I promise I will take you to another level.

Girl, if you will only come back to me and give me another chance, I will show you all the love I have inside. And I will be real. I will not disappoint you.

I know that I have made mistakes, and that I have been unfaithful, and that I have disappointed you in the past. And for these various things that I have done wrong I am truly sorry. Please let Smoove make it up to you.

Several days ago, I tried to make things right again by inviting you to my apartment, which overlooks the city. I promised to cook you a lavish dinner which would include succulent lobster with melted butter, peas and, of course, rolls. I also promised that when we completed the meal, there would be a mouth-watering dessert item such as a fine pie or a cheesecake containing strawberries or some other such fruit.

As I told you, you would also experience a night of heated lovemaking in which the light breeze from the bay window would cause the white satin sheets on my circular bed to flow in the air and caress our intertwined bodies in slow motion. And this effect would take place while we are in the foreplay stage, when I am caressing your beautiful body from behind, and you are bending your head back in ecstasy. I would rub exotic oils into every inch of your body. I would bathe you. I would lick you.

But you have not responded to my invitation, so I am now offering you an even more romantic getaway, away from my apartment. Away from all the stresses of the world. This, I promise, will take you to another level. You know that no one can freak you like I can. Girl, I want to take you right now and feel you up from behind.

However, I do not want to rush things. I want to take it very slow. Our romantic getaway will take place at one of the fanciest hotels in the city. Furthermore, I promise that there will be plenty of towels available.

First, I will call the hotel-reservations number and ask to reserve a room. It will be the Presidential Suite, and it will feature a hot tub and many fine chairs. Then, I will give the hotel my credit-card number and the expiration date of the card in order to pay for this getaway upfront.

The morning before our romantic night together, I will send you a dozen roses. They will be delivered to you at your workplace, all at my expense. The roses will sit on your desk at work and remind you of me and all the sweet love we would make if you were to meet me at the hotel suite later in that same day, around 8 p.m. The note attached to the flowers will say, "Girl, you are the woman of my dreams. Meet me tonight. The address of the hotel is 870 Cooley Boulevard. Go up Portage Avenue and make a left after you get to Sixth Street. It is just past the intersection. If you get to the deli with the red awning, you have gone too far. Peace. Smoove."

I will see to it that the hotel serves us the finest meal it can possibly prepare. We will enjoy steak and potatoes, and possibly corn. The meat will be tender and juicy, cooked to perfection, with a little pink still on the inside. I will insist upon the finest-quality steak sauce and candles. I will demand that they use only the finest cutlery, as well, scrubbed to perfection with the only finest dishwashing soap available in the finest grocery store in all of France.

After we dine, I will tear off your clothes and bring you to the bed. We will listen to the new CD from Silk, featuring the amazing Darrell "Delite" Allamby. I will take you by the hand and guide you like a guardian angel to this other level which I referred to earlier. I will caress your entire body up and down. I will lightly kiss you on your shoulder. This will drive you insane. I will lightly kiss you on your back. This will drive you even more insane. At this stage, you will know what I am talking about when I refer to another level, because you will be experiencing a level of pleasure which you never knew existed. I will kiss you on the indented area on the underside of your knee, and this will make you scream and shout. Then I will hit you doggy-style until the break of dawn.

Aw, I want you now, girl. Set it out for me.

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