Did Someone Say Bison?

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Outback

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu

EUGENE, OR—Noting the new food items in a small boxed-off corner of the overhead chalkboard, patrons at local coffee shop Fairmount Java told reporters Monday that the café had apparently added a heartbreaking little lunch menu.

How Michelin Rates Restaurants

For decades, the French company Michelin has published a restaurant guide that rates restaurants on a scale of one to three stars, giving them a coveted Michelin star status.

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit

GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbec...

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine

BERKELEY, CA—Claiming that the eatery was already generating a buzz among locals with its “East Meets Mex” flavors, owners of the Bento Burrito location on Shattuck Avenue explained to reporters Tuesday how their new restaurant offers a ...

Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East

SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confi...

Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions

MINNEAPOLIS—Leaving dozens of workers unsure as to whether they were permitted to consume the enticing dessert, sources at the offices of Highwood Insurance told reporters Wednesday that a cake had been left out in the break room without any instruc...

Local Oaf Not Sure What Part Of Counter You Order At

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Appearing visibly confused as he scanned back and forth from one side of the establishment to the other, a local oaf was reportedly unsure which part of the Hilltop Deli counter he was supposed to place his order at Tuesday.

Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs

CHICAGO—In what doctors are calling nothing short of a miracle, local man Jared Fox narrowly averted catastrophe Wednesday when the bacon cheeseburger he ate for lunch managed to pass through his body without hitting any life-sustaining organs.

Middle-Aged Man Having Best Snacks Of His Life

MORTON, MN—Marveling at the increases in both quality and satisfaction that have come with decades of experience, local 51-year-old Doug Kearns told reporters Tuesday that he has lately been having the best snacks of his life.

The Pros And Cons Of Going Vegetarian

While the vast majority of Americans are meat eaters, USDA statistics show that a growing number of Americans are becoming vegetarians and vegans to adopt healthier diets, ensure food safety, and practice ethical eating habits.

Man Regrets Straying From Sour Cream And Onion Potato Chips

COVINGTON, KY—Expressing a deep sense of regret regarding his decision to take a chance on jalapeño, local 36-year-old Mike Willhite told reporters Wednesday that he now sees all too clearly his folly in straying from his beloved sour cream a...

FDA Recalls Food

WASHINGTON—Saying it was vitally important that citizens avoid consuming any of the affected items, the U.S.

Male Gaze Falls On Buffalo Chicken Bites

BINGHAMTON, NY—Patrons at Thirsty’s Tavern and Grill confirmed Monday that the objectifying male gaze has fallen upon a $6.95 plate of buffalo chicken bites, resulting in the menu item being treated as if it serves no purpose beyond providing ...

Man Feeling Guilty About Chowing Down At 9/11 Museum Café

NEW YORK—Eagerly digging into a Southwest chicken wrap after touring the site for two hours this morning, Michael Frydland admitted to reporters that he felt a little guilty about totally pigging out at the National September 11 Memorial & Museu...

Takeout Bag Feels Light

OAKLAND, CA—Moments after picking up his carryout order from local restaurant Hunan Palace Monday evening, area man Alden Welch, 31, reportedly experienced a sharp sense of unease upon noticing his takeout bag felt unusually light. Unable to effecti...

Determined Restaurant Patrons Tough It Out On Chilly Patio

CHICAGO—Steeling themselves against the occasional breeze and the cold of the wrought iron table and chairs against their skin, a group of determined restaurant-goers reportedly braved the slightly chilly temperature Thursday and dined on the outdoo...
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Food

Outback

Did Someone Say Bison?

Hi, hello there, sorry. I apologize if I'm interrupting, but did someone over here just say bison? I swear I wasn't eavesdropping or anything, but I was just standing over there and I couldn't help but notice that somebody mentioned something about bison, or herds of bison, or something about bison. Anyway, I could have sworn the word "bison" came from this general vicinity, so I just figured I'd stop over.

Hi, Dave Carter, head of the National Bison Association. How are you?

Please, don't stop your bison conversation on account of me. In fact, by all means, keep talking about bison. Talk about bison all you want. I love bison. As the executive director of the NBA and someone whose goal it is to foster a community bound by its shared heritage of the bison, I could talk bison all day long. It's just a pleasure and a thrill that someone over here said bison, because I didn't even plan on talking about bison that much today, but now here we are, a group of people talking about bison. Terrific. Absolutely terrific.

Bison meat. Is that what you were talking about? Nothing leaner. Nothing leaner than bison meat. Grass-fed, proven to have a richer flavor than cow's meat, and with more protein and less calories. Would not be surprised one iota if you were talking about bison meat just now. You can't beat it. The key is—and this is Bison 101, folks—to eat it without any condiments. Seriously, that's the honest to God's truth. I'm telling you, the condiments ruin it. Ketchup, steak sauce, all that stuff. Throw it out. All you need is a little garlic salt, and, depending on the thickness of the cut, cook it for about 8 to 10 minutes at 325 degrees. You will not be able to tell me that it's not the best piece of meat you've ever tasted. Doesn't marble during the cooking process. That's the key.

Bison burgers. Really just fantastic.

Seriously, whatever bison topic you guys were on—whether it was something as large in scope as how these majestic beasts are symbolic of America's frontier spirit, or as small a detail as their simple grass and shrub diet, or even how they enjoy wallowing in shallow depressions in the soil—I'm more than happy to hear it, maybe even offer a little of my expertise, if necessary. And don't feel as if you need to backtrack to fill me in, either. Just start from where you left off, and I'll fill in the gaps myself.

Bucknell University's mascot is the bison. Did you know that? It's true. Anyone here interested in starting your own bison farm? I can get you literature on that, no problem. One of the fastest-growing agricultural sectors, you know. Anyway, sorry, I don't want to monopolize the conversation. Continue on with what you were saying about the bison. Don't mind me. Bison are even-toed ungulates.

By the way, I think it was definitely a male voice I heard say bison. But then again, maybe one of the women over here was talking about bison before I heard a man say "bison" and I just didn't hear any of the other times bison was said before I heard the man say it? Certainly a possibility, right? Yes? No? Bison? Miss, were you the one who said bison? Sir, was it you? Look, I'm not going to press. The important thing is that we're here, we're having a great time talking about bison, and…well, no "ands," really. I mean, what else do you need? We're talking about the pride of the heartland. The largest land animal in North America. Massive beasts who reigned over the plains for centuries. Beautiful creatures. Powerful, powerful animals.

Bison can jump up to six feet in the air. Six feet! They're also very aggressive sexually.

Well, I'm going to go get something to drink, and I'll be right back. Can we put this on hold for two seconds?

Back. In the winter, bison forage in the snow for grass, and if there is little available, they'll resort to eating twigs. You see, bison are pure herbivores, and I think—and this is purely what I've observed—that their diet lulls people into thinking they are gentle creatures, but it's important to remember that at any point a bison can and will charge. Bison can run up to 40 mph and use their heads as battering rams. Native Americans used their rawhide to construct shields, saddles, and moccasins.

Fascinating creatures, the bison. Absolutely fascinating. Ab-so-lutely. Was it you who said bison, ma'am? No? Anyway, yup. Yes, sir, here we are. Talkin' about bison. The bison. Thunder of the plains.

Well, I have to get going. You guys enjoy the rest of your evening.

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