Do I Look Fat In This Motion Picture?

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Vol 36 Issue 32

Man Thinks He Managed To Masturbate Without Waking Roommate

OMAHA, NE–Creighton University sophomore Adam Wilmut is under the mistaken impression that he managed to masturbate Tuesday without waking roommate and top-bunk occupant Scott Engram. "For about 10 minutes, I could feel the loft frame vibrating slightly," the 19-year-old Engram said. "Then, the vibrating escalated just a tiny bit for about 30 seconds before stopping altogether." The incident marked the fifth time in as many days that Wilmut's stealth masturbation was detected.

Arby's Regional Manager's Work Done Here

ROLLING MEADOWS, IL–Carl Biggs, regional manager of 11 Arby's restaurants in Chicago's Northwest suburbs, has done all he can here, the 41-year-old announced Monday before vanishing from the chain's Rand Road outlet in a cloud of Ford Escort exhaust. "Who was that mysterious man?" asked awestruck cashier Doug Sowell, 19, shortly after the visit. "I don't know," crew chief Karen Wilhoyte responded, "but he left this memorandum detailing proper kitchen hygiene procedures."

Senior Citizens Discuss Merits Of County-Clerk Candidates

MARSHFIELD, MO–During their weekly canasta game Monday, area octogenarians Beatrice Evans and Ida Hollings discussed the relative merits of the candidates for Webster County Clerk. "I like the fact that Wayne Speno wants to lower passport fees," Evans said. "On the other hand, he wants to keep the vital-statistics office open only until 4 p.m. weekdays, which isn't late enough." Hollings said she plans to vote for Speno opponent Mary Lodge. "[Lodge] did a fine job as assistant county clerk these past six years," Hollings said, "and I really feel like she's ready."

Nation Abuzz Over C-SPAN Original Movie

WASHINGTON, DC–Across America, excitement is building for this Friday's premiere of C-SPAN's first-ever original movie, Quorum Call: The H.R.1277 Story. Billed as "the incredible, true tale of the passage of the Department of Energy Civilian Research and Development Act of 1997," the film stars Rep. Ken Calvert (R-CA) as an idealistic young congressman determined to secure allocations of $22.5 million for Fiscal Year 1998 and $23.9 for Fiscal Year 1999 for geothermal electric research and development.

Bush Surges Ahead In Polls After Strong Showing On Pommel Horse

WASHINGTON, DC–George W. Bush pulled ahead of Al Gore in presidential polls Monday following a near-perfect score of 9.95 on the pommel horse. "Bush was in total command, showing textbook technique on his scissor elements and nailing his dismount," ABC News/Washington Post poll spokesman Andrew Hollandsworth said. "He looked confident and strong up there, and the American people are responding." The impressive effort helped Bush regain ground lost in Gore's decisive Sept. 10 victory in the ribbon-dance event.

The Debate Debate

For months, Al Gore and George Bush have been unable to agree on a presidential-debate format, with each candidate accusing the other of ducking a face-off. What do you think?
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Do I Look Fat In This Motion Picture?

Oh, my God. I cannot believe these dailies. They say the camera adds 10 pounds, but in my case, it has got to be more like 20. I just knew I shouldn't have let Freddie talk me into getting the spinach salad with balsamic vinaigrette at Spago. Especially not with shooting the next day. I mean, I only ate half of it, but still!

What sucks is, I was really hoping the critics would be impressed with this one. That Lisa Schwarzbaum bitch is totally gonna mention my thighs in her review, I just know it. Now, be honest, okay? Totally honest. Do you think I look fat in this motion picture? God, I am such a cow.

Even though you've only been my personal assistant for a few weeks now, I totally love you like a sister, and feel like I can completely trust your judgment. I seriously cannot blow this, you know? This is a very critical time for my career, what with Jennifer Love and Reese looking really thin these days, so I definitely cannot afford not to look my best right now.

I work out every day. You know that, right? And I've been making amazing strides with my personal dietitian over the last three months, so it's not like I don't make the effort to look good. I'm worried that maybe there's something about this particular director of photography that doesn't bring out my best. Like yesterday, when we shot that scene where I was gazing out the window and being all introspective and stuff, I thought I had the emotional range down. But, I don't know, did you think maybe I looked a little puffy in my cheeks?

Because I sort of thought that maybe the lighting was, you know, making the backs of my arms look flabby. Oh, you're just saying that! You're just trying to make me feel better. Oh, my God, I hate backlighting. It makes me look as big as that Alicia Silverstone hog. Every time I'm backlit for anything closer than a medium-depth cutaway, it's like, oink city. And I don't even want to talk about the way it brings out the dark circles under my eyes. Let's just not even go there, okay?

Maybe it's the script. Do you think this premise makes me look bloated–single girl finds love and a career in fashion design when she befriends a pair of magic talking pumps? It's not my fault, right? I just don't think supernatural romantic-comedy scenarios are slimming on me.

And the pool scene! Let's not even discuss it. Because if we do, I'm totally going to start bawling right now, and we'll have to bring Diandra back in here to redo my entire face, and I just can't handle her at the moment. I looked hideous in that bathing suit, I just know it! How could I have let that costume designer talk me into that horrid chrome and magenta one-piece anyway? It was so not Sarah Michelle. I looked like some fat old 30-year-old in that thing. At this rate, I just know Freddie's going to dump me and take Kirsten Dunst to the Oscars!

Fuck Kirsten and her stupid hit cheerleader movie. I could have had that part if I wanted it.

Oh, God, I'm hyperventilating. I have to go on camera soon, and I simply cannot work in this state. Oh, God, I need some Vitamin B. Give me that plate of arugula. Give it! No, I don't want any foie gras with it, you moron, just the arugula! Like I need any more fatty acids today? Hel-lo?

I'm sorry I snapped at you, Rochelle. You know how upset I get when I'm retaining water. I just need to channel that energy into my craft. It's all part of the creative process.

Maybe it's not so bad. I mean, these publicity photos aren't that awful: I'm looking provocatively at the camera, hips cocked and fingers splayed out over my hips. But, still, doesn't my bellybutton look a little spongy? Maybe it's the outfit. I should've gone with the other tanktop. I knew it. I so totally knew it. Okay, new topic! Because I do not even want to talk about it.

Do my ankles look swollen in these press-release photos? Be honest. Kind of thick? Or is it just me?

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