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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Do I Look Fat In This Motion Picture?

Oh, my God. I cannot believe these dailies. They say the camera adds 10 pounds, but in my case, it has got to be more like 20. I just knew I shouldn't have let Freddie talk me into getting the spinach salad with balsamic vinaigrette at Spago. Especially not with shooting the next day. I mean, I only ate half of it, but still!

What sucks is, I was really hoping the critics would be impressed with this one. That Lisa Schwarzbaum bitch is totally gonna mention my thighs in her review, I just know it. Now, be honest, okay? Totally honest. Do you think I look fat in this motion picture? God, I am such a cow.

Even though you've only been my personal assistant for a few weeks now, I totally love you like a sister, and feel like I can completely trust your judgment. I seriously cannot blow this, you know? This is a very critical time for my career, what with Jennifer Love and Reese looking really thin these days, so I definitely cannot afford not to look my best right now.

I work out every day. You know that, right? And I've been making amazing strides with my personal dietitian over the last three months, so it's not like I don't make the effort to look good. I'm worried that maybe there's something about this particular director of photography that doesn't bring out my best. Like yesterday, when we shot that scene where I was gazing out the window and being all introspective and stuff, I thought I had the emotional range down. But, I don't know, did you think maybe I looked a little puffy in my cheeks?

Because I sort of thought that maybe the lighting was, you know, making the backs of my arms look flabby. Oh, you're just saying that! You're just trying to make me feel better. Oh, my God, I hate backlighting. It makes me look as big as that Alicia Silverstone hog. Every time I'm backlit for anything closer than a medium-depth cutaway, it's like, oink city. And I don't even want to talk about the way it brings out the dark circles under my eyes. Let's just not even go there, okay?

Maybe it's the script. Do you think this premise makes me look bloated–single girl finds love and a career in fashion design when she befriends a pair of magic talking pumps? It's not my fault, right? I just don't think supernatural romantic-comedy scenarios are slimming on me.

And the pool scene! Let's not even discuss it. Because if we do, I'm totally going to start bawling right now, and we'll have to bring Diandra back in here to redo my entire face, and I just can't handle her at the moment. I looked hideous in that bathing suit, I just know it! How could I have let that costume designer talk me into that horrid chrome and magenta one-piece anyway? It was so not Sarah Michelle. I looked like some fat old 30-year-old in that thing. At this rate, I just know Freddie's going to dump me and take Kirsten Dunst to the Oscars!

Fuck Kirsten and her stupid hit cheerleader movie. I could have had that part if I wanted it.

Oh, God, I'm hyperventilating. I have to go on camera soon, and I simply cannot work in this state. Oh, God, I need some Vitamin B. Give me that plate of arugula. Give it! No, I don't want any foie gras with it, you moron, just the arugula! Like I need any more fatty acids today? Hel-lo?

I'm sorry I snapped at you, Rochelle. You know how upset I get when I'm retaining water. I just need to channel that energy into my craft. It's all part of the creative process.

Maybe it's not so bad. I mean, these publicity photos aren't that awful: I'm looking provocatively at the camera, hips cocked and fingers splayed out over my hips. But, still, doesn't my bellybutton look a little spongy? Maybe it's the outfit. I should've gone with the other tanktop. I knew it. I so totally knew it. Okay, new topic! Because I do not even want to talk about it.

Do my ankles look swollen in these press-release photos? Be honest. Kind of thick? Or is it just me?

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