Do My Swiss Guard Resent Me?

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Vol 33 Issue 18

Evil Genius' Cat Subpoenaed

WASHINGTON, DC–Esmerelda, the fluffy white Persian cat owned by evil genius Dr. Kronos, was subpoenaed Monday to testify regarding the alleged subterranean activities of Kronos. "The cat in question will be asked what she knows about Kronos' trafficking of plutonium across international borders, as well his construction of a massive undersea lair beneath the Pacific Ocean and the creation of an electro-pulse ray that can cause entire city populations to collapse of a seizure." In exchange for her testimony, Esmerelda will be granted full immunity, as well as a tin of Liverpool kippers served in a crystal goblet, precisely as she likes.

Résumé Accidentally Kept On File

CHICAGO–In a blunder being attributed to "clerical oversight," the Chicago ad agency of Meacham & Braun accidentally kept the résumé of recent University of Illinois graduate Chris DiMaio on file Monday. "We regret the inadvertent fulfillment of our promise to Mr. DiMaio to retain his résumé for future reference should a position that suits him become available at Meacham & Braun," said agency director Thomas Graydon. "As a result of this error, we are investigating our résumé-processing system and are confident that future résumés remitted to us, with the exception of those few that impress us, will be disposed of surreptitiously while we pacify the applicant with platitudes."

Motor Trend Car Of Year Stripped Of Title After Appearing As Hot Rod Centerfold

NEW YORK–Motor Trend magazine stripped the 1998 Chevrolet Corvette of its "Car Of The Year" title following the sportscar's appearance as Hot Rod magazine's June centerfold. "The Corvette has conducted itself in a manner unbecoming of a Motor Trend Car Of The Year," Motor Trend editor-in-chief Paul Brookman said, "and we can no longer in good conscience allow this automobile to represent the crown." Car Of The Year first runner-up, the 1998 Pontiac Grand Prix, will take the Corvette's place.

Senate Committee Links Child Poverty To Lack Of Child Jobs

WASHINGTON, DC–The Senate Select Committee On Child Poverty released a report Monday attributing the large number of American children living below the poverty line to a lack of child jobs. "If you want to know why 14 million children in this country are living in poverty, all you have to do is take a look at the U.S. child-unemployment rate–it currently stands at 99 percent," said committee chair Sen. Thad Cochran (R-MS). "If we are to have any chance of fighting child hunger, illiteracy and illness, we need to get these kids back on their feet and working again."

Free Needles To Drug Users?

President Clinton recently voiced strong opposition to a proposal to distribute free needles to heroin users to fight the spread of AIDS, claiming that such a plan would only encourage drug use. What do you think?

Couple Upstairs Going At It Again

BROOKLYN, NY–For the ninth time in as many hours, the couple upstairs went at it yet again at 4 a.m. Tuesday, hammering away at one another in an impressive display of sexual stamina and tenacity, apartment-directly-below sources said.
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Do My Swiss Guard Resent Me?

My faithful man-servant Standish has informed me that a member of the Pope's Swiss Guard recently shot his commander, then trained the gun on himself. My blood ran cold at Standish's words. Though the soldier was not a member of my own battalion of Swiss Guard, I immediately thought: What if one or more of my soldiers is planning to assassinate me in my own bed?

Just so you know, I am not a simpering foot-man to Pope Pius, Boniface, or whatever he is called these days. T. Herman Zweibel is no Papist! Here is the story of how I acquired my own Swiss Guard.

During the Renaissance, one of my Prussian ancestors, W. Albrecht Zweibel, was a trusted military advisor to Pope Julius II. As a reward for his service, W. Albrecht was granted his own duchy in the Holy Roman Empire and a platoon of gaudily uniformed Swiss Guard.

Centuries later, shortly after the German states were united under the great Bismarck, the Duchy of Zweibel fell into poverty and disrepair. The Duke was insane with advanced syphilis, and his dissipated subjects openly practiced bestiality with cloven-hoofed animals in the filth-lined streets.

Meanwhile, back in the Great Republic Of The United American States, the American Zweibels were thriving, publishing The Onion's predecessor, The Mercantile-Onion. My father Herman Ulysses Zweibel, a distant cousin of the Duke, had read of his problems and coveted the Duke's elite band of Swiss Guard. He wrote a letter to the Duke, offering 500 gold guilders for his Swiss Guard. A mere pittance, but the Duke was so demented, he accepted. In no time, the Guard were aboard an oceanic steamer to the Zweibel estate, where their descendants remain to this day.

Though I was not responsible for their migration, the Guard may secretly resent the American Zweibels for bringing them here against their will. The incident in Rome only feeds my suspicions. Will one of these rogues try to chop me to flinders with his mighty halberd? It is too much for the soul to bear! To-day I have wet the bed-clothes more times than I care to mention, so agitated am I!

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