Do Not Be Cross With Me, Sweet Lillian

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Vol 36 Issue 21

Goodwill Employees Shaken By Gigantic Pants

LUBBOCK, TX–Goodwill workers Pam Stearns and Lydia Rutt were severely shaken by a pair of mammoth men's pants retrieved from the store's donation bin Monday. "At first, I thought it was some sort of denim tent or tarp," a still-rattled Stearns said. "But then, as Lydia started to unfold it, I slowly began to realize that I was looking at a pair of human pants." The colossal trousers are now on display in the employee break room.

SNL Audience Moved To Tears By Soulful, End-Of-Episode Piano Music

NEW YORK–The 296 members of the Saturday Night Live studio audience were moved to tears in the show's closing minutes Saturday by soulful, sentimental piano music. "After 90 minutes of live sketch comedy from the likes of Ana Gasteyer and Tim Meadows, that piano music set just the right mood of reflection and closure," audience member Liz Nokes said. "Without words, it conveyed just how much we'd been through together and captured the bittersweet feeling that comes from knowing that the good times and laughter have come to a close until next week." The teary-eyed audience swayed along with the cast, guest host Joshua Jackson, and musical guest 'N Sync, smiling wistfully and waving as they bid farewell to yet another successful episode.

Lanthanum Quits Periodic Table Of Elements

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN–The world of chemistry was shaken Monday by lanthanum's announcement that the popular 57th element will quit Transition Group IIIb of the periodic table at the end of the summer. "I have nothing but good things to say about my time with the periodic table," said the ductile, silvery-white metal, speaking from the site of its discovery by Carl Gustav Mosander in 1839. "Nevertheless, I will be stepping down after Labor Day to focus on my own earth-metal solo projects." Rumors of a longtime feud with molybdenum and the constant demands of lens manufacturing are believed to be behind the departure.

MIA Remains In North Korea

U.S. and North Korean officials are meeting in Kuala Lumpur this week to discuss efforts to recover the remains of 8,000 American soldiers missing in action in the Korean War. What do you think?

Blue Line Jumps 11 Percent

NEW YORK–Excitement swept the financial world Monday, when a blue line jumped more than 11 percent, passing four black horizontal lines as it rose from 367.22 to 408.85.
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Do Not Be Cross With Me, Sweet Lillian

From The Death-Bed Of T. Herman Zweibel, The Zweibel Estate.

To Miss Lillian Gish, Holly-wood, Calif.

Dearest Lillian,

I apologize for not writing you lately. So much has happened in the past several months that I haven't the space to summarize it all here. I haven't heard from you recently, either. I believe the last letter I received from you was in 1916. Actually, that was a letter of mine addressed to you which was labeled "Return To Sender" in a feminine hand. And a deliciously feminine hand it was, too, sweet Lillian!

I do not blame you if you are angry with me. After all, my torrid affair with Miss Bernadette Fiske was highly publicized, and after my wife passed away in 1937, I had pledged my eternal love to you and only you. So why, you must be asking in your tearful anguish, did I succumb to the charms of another woman?

I did this, sweet Lillian, because Miss Fiske was a candle in the tempest who needed the love and guidance of an older gentle-man. Her constant entreaties for large sums of money tugged at my heart-strings as they would any man's. The help-less kitten! How she reminded me of your fellow thespianess of the photo-plays, Mary Miles Minter. Now there was a dame who wasn't too stuck-up to let me ride her like a race-horse.

What I really want to say is, you are still my true soul-mate, and if you can find it in your-self to get over your anger, please know that you are welcome at any time to come live at the Zweibel Estate. N. Aeschylus, the beautiful and enormous love-child that Miss Fiske bore me, needs a mama. Right now, he has taken to a wire-mother that he constructed him-self, and he often embraces it close with his precociously long, telescoping arms. He seems to like it a lot, but I would prefer a mother of flesh and blood, and you would suit this to a T, dear Lillian.

I require your loving attentions, as well, especially in the night-time. Lately, I have been plagued with night-mares of my nemesis, the hideous mechanical ro-bot Mr. Tin, lumbering into my bed-chamber and injecting me with serum designed to make me stupid. My blood runs cold just thinking of it! That is why I wish to have you by my side, and we can all be a happy little family, watching N. Aeschylus fly about on his jet-feet.

As ever, I remain yours, fondly,

Your loving and devoted T. Herman.

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