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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

Texas To Execute Death Row Inmates With New 3-Drug Molotov Cocktail

HUNTSVILLE, TX—In response to a nationwide shortage of the chemicals conventionally used to carry out capital punishment, officials from the Texas Department of Criminal Justice announced Friday that the state would begin executing death row inmates with an experimental new three-drug Molotov cocktail.

Christ Does Soft Return To Gauge Interest

TOPEKA, KS—Descending from on high to gather valuable data on His followers’ preferences, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was said to be conducting a soft return this week in hopes of gauging interest in His Second Coming.

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Do The Right Thing

After much careful rumination, I have decided to make public a rather embarrassing matter about my-self. Although I very rarely disclose the particulars of my personal life, I realize that the information I am about to impart would doubt-less find it-self, in a scurrilous and distorted form, in the pages of The Police Gazette and other infamous publications which profit off the misfortune of others, particularly those of great wealth and stature. There-fore, I concluded, I had no choice but to announce the news my-self, so that the truth may be properly conveyed.

My sweet-heart, Miss Bernadette Fiske, is carrying my child.

When Miss Fiske wrote to inform me of her condition, I was utterly befuddled. After all, I have never laid eyes on her, and we have only communicated via the registered daily mails. Not only that, but even in my prime I was as impotent as a mule, and to-day my 132-year-old genitals uncannily resemble those of the long-deceased mummy of Ramses The Great. But apparently it is so, as Miss Fiske's physician has confirmed that she is in the family way.

I recalled Doc McGillicuddy once telling me that the modern world is one of wonders, with such things as air-ships powered by the gasoline-fuel, electrically fired type-writers, and elixirs that can cure the croup. He also said that it was no longer a vital necessity to engage in a direct coital alliance in order to conceive a human life.

I can only surmise that that must be how Miss Fiske arrived at the condition in which she finds herself. After all, Miss Fiske, who possesses the highest degree of fidelity and integrity of any woman I have ever known, assures me that her heart belongs to one man and one man alone, and that man is none other than the Republic's greatest living news-paper-man and author of the column you are presently reading.

But speculation is use-less. The only thing to be done now is to make an honest woman of this dear lady. Although she impulsively sacrificed her maiden-head before her nuptials, as her best swain and father of her child I must defend her honor and become her husband. I must admit, marriage will present some difficulty for me. I have grown accustomed to my care-free bachelor life-style. I get to lounge around in a loose-fitting night-dress at all times, and with its broken catheter tubes and brackish pools of urine on the floor, my bed-chamber distinctly lacks the feminine touch. Sadly, all this must come to an end. But I must do right by my wife and suckling-to-be.

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