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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Do The Right Thing

After much careful rumination, I have decided to make public a rather embarrassing matter about my-self. Although I very rarely disclose the particulars of my personal life, I realize that the information I am about to impart would doubt-less find it-self, in a scurrilous and distorted form, in the pages of The Police Gazette and other infamous publications which profit off the misfortune of others, particularly those of great wealth and stature. There-fore, I concluded, I had no choice but to announce the news my-self, so that the truth may be properly conveyed.

My sweet-heart, Miss Bernadette Fiske, is carrying my child.

When Miss Fiske wrote to inform me of her condition, I was utterly befuddled. After all, I have never laid eyes on her, and we have only communicated via the registered daily mails. Not only that, but even in my prime I was as impotent as a mule, and to-day my 132-year-old genitals uncannily resemble those of the long-deceased mummy of Ramses The Great. But apparently it is so, as Miss Fiske's physician has confirmed that she is in the family way.

I recalled Doc McGillicuddy once telling me that the modern world is one of wonders, with such things as air-ships powered by the gasoline-fuel, electrically fired type-writers, and elixirs that can cure the croup. He also said that it was no longer a vital necessity to engage in a direct coital alliance in order to conceive a human life.

I can only surmise that that must be how Miss Fiske arrived at the condition in which she finds herself. After all, Miss Fiske, who possesses the highest degree of fidelity and integrity of any woman I have ever known, assures me that her heart belongs to one man and one man alone, and that man is none other than the Republic's greatest living news-paper-man and author of the column you are presently reading.

But speculation is use-less. The only thing to be done now is to make an honest woman of this dear lady. Although she impulsively sacrificed her maiden-head before her nuptials, as her best swain and father of her child I must defend her honor and become her husband. I must admit, marriage will present some difficulty for me. I have grown accustomed to my care-free bachelor life-style. I get to lounge around in a loose-fitting night-dress at all times, and with its broken catheter tubes and brackish pools of urine on the floor, my bed-chamber distinctly lacks the feminine touch. Sadly, all this must come to an end. But I must do right by my wife and suckling-to-be.

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