Do The Right Thing

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Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
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  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

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Do The Right Thing

After much careful rumination, I have decided to make public a rather embarrassing matter about my-self. Although I very rarely disclose the particulars of my personal life, I realize that the information I am about to impart would doubt-less find it-self, in a scurrilous and distorted form, in the pages of The Police Gazette and other infamous publications which profit off the misfortune of others, particularly those of great wealth and stature. There-fore, I concluded, I had no choice but to announce the news my-self, so that the truth may be properly conveyed.

My sweet-heart, Miss Bernadette Fiske, is carrying my child.

When Miss Fiske wrote to inform me of her condition, I was utterly befuddled. After all, I have never laid eyes on her, and we have only communicated via the registered daily mails. Not only that, but even in my prime I was as impotent as a mule, and to-day my 132-year-old genitals uncannily resemble those of the long-deceased mummy of Ramses The Great. But apparently it is so, as Miss Fiske's physician has confirmed that she is in the family way.

I recalled Doc McGillicuddy once telling me that the modern world is one of wonders, with such things as air-ships powered by the gasoline-fuel, electrically fired type-writers, and elixirs that can cure the croup. He also said that it was no longer a vital necessity to engage in a direct coital alliance in order to conceive a human life.

I can only surmise that that must be how Miss Fiske arrived at the condition in which she finds herself. After all, Miss Fiske, who possesses the highest degree of fidelity and integrity of any woman I have ever known, assures me that her heart belongs to one man and one man alone, and that man is none other than the Republic's greatest living news-paper-man and author of the column you are presently reading.

But speculation is use-less. The only thing to be done now is to make an honest woman of this dear lady. Although she impulsively sacrificed her maiden-head before her nuptials, as her best swain and father of her child I must defend her honor and become her husband. I must admit, marriage will present some difficulty for me. I have grown accustomed to my care-free bachelor life-style. I get to lounge around in a loose-fitting night-dress at all times, and with its broken catheter tubes and brackish pools of urine on the floor, my bed-chamber distinctly lacks the feminine touch. Sadly, all this must come to an end. But I must do right by my wife and suckling-to-be.