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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Do The Right Thing

After much careful rumination, I have decided to make public a rather embarrassing matter about my-self. Although I very rarely disclose the particulars of my personal life, I realize that the information I am about to impart would doubt-less find it-self, in a scurrilous and distorted form, in the pages of The Police Gazette and other infamous publications which profit off the misfortune of others, particularly those of great wealth and stature. There-fore, I concluded, I had no choice but to announce the news my-self, so that the truth may be properly conveyed.

My sweet-heart, Miss Bernadette Fiske, is carrying my child.

When Miss Fiske wrote to inform me of her condition, I was utterly befuddled. After all, I have never laid eyes on her, and we have only communicated via the registered daily mails. Not only that, but even in my prime I was as impotent as a mule, and to-day my 132-year-old genitals uncannily resemble those of the long-deceased mummy of Ramses The Great. But apparently it is so, as Miss Fiske's physician has confirmed that she is in the family way.

I recalled Doc McGillicuddy once telling me that the modern world is one of wonders, with such things as air-ships powered by the gasoline-fuel, electrically fired type-writers, and elixirs that can cure the croup. He also said that it was no longer a vital necessity to engage in a direct coital alliance in order to conceive a human life.

I can only surmise that that must be how Miss Fiske arrived at the condition in which she finds herself. After all, Miss Fiske, who possesses the highest degree of fidelity and integrity of any woman I have ever known, assures me that her heart belongs to one man and one man alone, and that man is none other than the Republic's greatest living news-paper-man and author of the column you are presently reading.

But speculation is use-less. The only thing to be done now is to make an honest woman of this dear lady. Although she impulsively sacrificed her maiden-head before her nuptials, as her best swain and father of her child I must defend her honor and become her husband. I must admit, marriage will present some difficulty for me. I have grown accustomed to my care-free bachelor life-style. I get to lounge around in a loose-fitting night-dress at all times, and with its broken catheter tubes and brackish pools of urine on the floor, my bed-chamber distinctly lacks the feminine touch. Sadly, all this must come to an end. But I must do right by my wife and suckling-to-be.


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