Do Waiters Always Have To Swear So Much?

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Food

Outback

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu

EUGENE, OR—Noting the new food items in a small boxed-off corner of the overhead chalkboard, patrons at local coffee shop Fairmount Java told reporters Monday that the café had apparently added a heartbreaking little lunch menu.

How Michelin Rates Restaurants

For decades, the French company Michelin has published a restaurant guide that rates restaurants on a scale of one to three stars, giving them a coveted Michelin star status.

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit

GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbec...

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine

BERKELEY, CA—Claiming that the eatery was already generating a buzz among locals with its “East Meets Mex” flavors, owners of the Bento Burrito location on Shattuck Avenue explained to reporters Tuesday how their new restaurant offers a ...

Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East

SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confi...

Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions

MINNEAPOLIS—Leaving dozens of workers unsure as to whether they were permitted to consume the enticing dessert, sources at the offices of Highwood Insurance told reporters Wednesday that a cake had been left out in the break room without any instruc...

Local Oaf Not Sure What Part Of Counter You Order At

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Appearing visibly confused as he scanned back and forth from one side of the establishment to the other, a local oaf was reportedly unsure which part of the Hilltop Deli counter he was supposed to place his order at Tuesday.

Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs

CHICAGO—In what doctors are calling nothing short of a miracle, local man Jared Fox narrowly averted catastrophe Wednesday when the bacon cheeseburger he ate for lunch managed to pass through his body without hitting any life-sustaining organs.

Middle-Aged Man Having Best Snacks Of His Life

MORTON, MN—Marveling at the increases in both quality and satisfaction that have come with decades of experience, local 51-year-old Doug Kearns told reporters Tuesday that he has lately been having the best snacks of his life.

The Pros And Cons Of Going Vegetarian

While the vast majority of Americans are meat eaters, USDA statistics show that a growing number of Americans are becoming vegetarians and vegans to adopt healthier diets, ensure food safety, and practice ethical eating habits.

Man Regrets Straying From Sour Cream And Onion Potato Chips

COVINGTON, KY—Expressing a deep sense of regret regarding his decision to take a chance on jalapeño, local 36-year-old Mike Willhite told reporters Wednesday that he now sees all too clearly his folly in straying from his beloved sour cream a...

FDA Recalls Food

WASHINGTON—Saying it was vitally important that citizens avoid consuming any of the affected items, the U.S.

Male Gaze Falls On Buffalo Chicken Bites

BINGHAMTON, NY—Patrons at Thirsty’s Tavern and Grill confirmed Monday that the objectifying male gaze has fallen upon a $6.95 plate of buffalo chicken bites, resulting in the menu item being treated as if it serves no purpose beyond providing ...

Man Feeling Guilty About Chowing Down At 9/11 Museum Café

NEW YORK—Eagerly digging into a Southwest chicken wrap after touring the site for two hours this morning, Michael Frydland admitted to reporters that he felt a little guilty about totally pigging out at the National September 11 Memorial & Museu...

Takeout Bag Feels Light

OAKLAND, CA—Moments after picking up his carryout order from local restaurant Hunan Palace Monday evening, area man Alden Welch, 31, reportedly experienced a sharp sense of unease upon noticing his takeout bag felt unusually light. Unable to effecti...

Determined Restaurant Patrons Tough It Out On Chilly Patio

CHICAGO—Steeling themselves against the occasional breeze and the cold of the wrought iron table and chairs against their skin, a group of determined restaurant-goers reportedly braved the slightly chilly temperature Thursday and dined on the outdoo...
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Food

Outback

Do Waiters Always Have To Swear So Much?

Is it me, or has the restaurant industry really started to slide in professionalism? I go out to a classy place, order a nice little steak, give the waitress a couple of slaps on the ass to get her moving, and all of a sudden I'm an f–ing a–hole and a motherf–ing jerk who should go to hell. Is this what I'm paying good money for?

Has our culture sunk so low that profanity has replaced common courtesy in dining out?

I'd like to shrug it off, but it's so prevalent these days I just can't ignore it.

I love to eat out. It relaxes me to look over the menu for an hour, hour and a half, asking specific, pointed questions about every ingredient of every dish. I feel discerning when sending back bottle after bottle of wine, spitting out my merlot in disgust, only to settle on the first one they brought to the table and ask why they bothered with that other swill in the first place. It's all part of the fine-dining experience.

What I don't like is the trend of waitresses talking like longshoremen, usually about a half hour into my meal. I snap my fingers, whistle as loud as I can, or, if that doesn't work, shout "Yo!" a dozen or so times just to get a properly folded napkin, and, once again, the cursing begins. 

The thing that gets me is that they always start off sweet as pie, like you knew them your whole life. Greeting me warmly, asking if I would like a drink, what have you. But soon enough they stop chuckling at my witty remarks about their cleavage. They no longer smile when I keep asking them if they think it's funny that "faggot" means "cigarette" in Australia. And if they're black, forget about it! It's as if those people never heard a joke in their life.

Look, I can see a little foul language maybe at a Wendy's, but I hold a restaurant with real plants to a higher standard. When I express my displeasure with a dish by slowly letting it all fall out of my mouth into a large chewed-up mass on the table, I expect a little understanding and humility, not huffing and puffing and remarks about my questionable parentage.

 I understand they're only human, and humans, especially women, make mistakes. But you know what? They have no right to take their personal hang-ups out on me. As professionals, and more important, in the name of common courtesy, they should leave their anger behind those swinging doors—and I tell them that.

You'd think a little reality check would put things in perspective for them, but no: When the main course arrives, they slam the plates down on my table and hot-foot it back to the kitchen. Then I have to go back to the kitchen myself to point out the five things I already found wrong with my entrée.

Then, invariably, their managers, the ones who are supposed to be setting an example, threaten to ban me with a profanity or two thrown in for good measure. It's unbelievable! I didn't make the mistake. I try to break the ice with a lighthearted quip, such as "Maybe a butter knife up your ass would change your mind. You're probably used to having things in there anyway."

But even these efforts at communication on my part are rarely successful. Apparently, in today's world, a civil tongue has gone the same way as respect for the customer.