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Does This Cock Ring Make Me Look Fat?

Listen, you have to be completely honest with me here for a minute. As you know, I value your opinion a great deal, and I don't want you to lie to spare my feelings. What I want to know is, does this cock ring make me look fat?

I realize this is a sensitive subject: People don't like to hear negative things about their weight. But if this cock ring adds five or ten pounds to my appearance, I'd rather hear it from you than from some stranger.

Come on, don't be so shy. Take a look and tell me what you think. Me, I'm really undecided about it. When I tried it on at the sex shop, it looked great. But, of course, when I tried it on again at home, suddenly, it made me look like a blimp.

I swear, I must have tried on a hundred different cock rings at the store. There was a really nice red-and-white striped one, but it looked awful on me. They also had a black leather one with metal studs I really liked, but they didn't have it in my size. I almost bought this one blue ring that matched my eyes and contrasted well with my pubic hair, but, ultimately, I decided to go with this slimming black one instead and just tint my hair slightly. (I bet you couldn't even tell I got a dye job—it's redder in the highlights now.)

Maybe it would look better if I didn't wear it so far down. I usually like wearing them real snug, down at the base of the shaft and nice and tight under the balls, but, somehow, this one just isn't quite sitting right. Do you think I should push it up a bit?

I know this may be a little awkward for you, but I really respect your opinion. After all, you were the one who told me that orange cardigan made me look like a pumpkin. You were also the one who told me to take back that striped pullover I thought looked so terrific. So I'm really counting on you to give me your honest opinion about this cock ring.

As you'll see, I've got kind of a low-slung scrotal sac, so it's always been difficult to find cock rings that look good on me. Especially when I'm flaccid. That's why I was so happy to find this one. But now I just don't know.

Maybe I shouldn't have gotten the medium. The salesman said this brand tends to run a little small, so perhaps I would've been better off with the large. Do you think I should go back and get the bigger size? I'm just not sure the medium is a flattering fit: A good cock ring should accentuate your penile girth, not make it look like a liability.

To be honest, if I was just going to wear the cock ring around the house, I'd get the large for sure. But I bought it for a very special occasion, and I was really hoping to fit into a medium.

Come on. The least you can do is look. You came to me when you were thinking about getting that ridiculous bulldog tattoo, didn't you? And I told you it would look really silly, and you thanked me, right? You didn't get mad at me or anything, right? Well, no matter what you say, neither will I, I swear to God. Now be a friend, and tell me what you think of this cock ring.

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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

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