Don't Come Crying To Me When You Need Someone Who Speaks Elvish

In This Section

Vol 39 Issue 13

Man Not Sure What To Do About Vet's Request For Dog-Urine Sample

MISSOULA, MT–Dog owner Darryl Burkhard, 36, said Tuesday that he is unsure how to fulfill his veterinarian's orders to extract a urine sample from ailing cocker spaniel Sneakers. "The vet just casually asked me to bring in a sample, like I'd automatically know how to do that," Burkhard said. "Do I take Sneakers for a walk and then stick a cup under him at just the right moment? Or do I, like, fasten a cup to his genitals with a belt and wait for him to eventually go? Either way, I'm probably looking at some sort of really unpleasant dog-piss-related situation."

Girl From Coffee Shop Seen At Bar With Guy From Record Store

OLYMPIA, WA–Marissa Quirk, 21, that girl from the coffee shop, was spotted Monday at McCoy's Tavern with Greg Clarke, 23, the good-looking hipster guy from the record store. "I go into Crazee Espresso and Rainy Day Records a lot, so when I saw them at McCoy's together, I was like, 'It figures they know each other,'" said Dan Duckett, 22, who has long harbored a crush on Quirk. "It reminded me of that time I saw the guy from the vintage-clothing store with the cute girl who always announces the bands in the student union."

Side Effects Sound Awesome

SAN JOSE, CA–Watching a TV commercial for the prescription allergy medication Nasonol, local resident Troy Henderson, 23, remarked Tuesday that the drug's possible side effects "sound awesome." "Dizziness, drowsiness, excitability, loss of motor function, irregular heartbeat, tingling sensations in the chest and sinuses–man, Nasonol's got it all," Henderson said. "I gotta score some of that." Henderson, who does not suffer from any allergies, said he plans to call his pollen-allergic friend Steve to "hook me up."

Office Manager Still Undecided About Sharpie Redesign

HARTFORD, CT–Four days after the arrival of a shipment of office supplies from Staples, P&K Insurance office manager Patty Hildebrandt, 41, remains ambivalent about Sharpie's new "Twin-Tip" double-ended permanent marker. "Putting a fine tip and a broad tip on the same pen is very convenient, not to mention cost-effective," Hildebrandt said Tuesday. "Still, neither of the twin tips really works as well as a single-ended marker, probably because they're sharing the same ink." Hildebrandt recently took a strong stand against 3M's accordion-style Post-It notes, calling them "an abomination."

Dow Up 300 After Deaths Of 400

NEW YORK—Buoyed by positive news from the war front, the Dow Jones Industrial Average soared more than 300 points Monday after the killing of more than 400 Republican Guard soldiers near the northern Iraqi town of Mosul. "These deaths have really boosted investor optimism and confidence," New York Stock Exchange chairman Dick Grasso said. "Before this, we'd tried lowering interest rates, lowering taxes, and all sorts of other things to jump-start the market, but nothing worked. Lowering the population of Iraq finally seems to be doing the trick."
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Late Night

Don't Come Crying To Me When You Need Someone Who Speaks Elvish

Really, Steven. Of all people, I expected more from you.

Until now, I was greatly impressed by your intellectual curiosity. Aren't you, after all, the person with whom I once had a three-hour message-board conversation concerning the story arc of the legendary series Blake's 7? Was it not you who listened attentively to my passionate argument in favor of allowing Commissioner Gordon's daughter Barbara to rise from her wheelchair and walk again? And are you not the same person who, once I guided you to the myriad shifting universes of Roger Zelazny, devoured them with the intellectual curiosity of a young Ender Wiggin?

Such a thirst for knowledge I once saw in you. And yet now, you question whether learning Elvish is "worth the effort." Elvish! At once the cornerstone and most elusive of the great J.R.R. Tolkien's creations!

To be intimidated by the fact that mastery of Elvish takes a lifetime–that I can comprehend. But for you to question its usefulness or intrinsic value, Steven, how could you? I tell you now: Do not come crying to me when you need someone who speaks Elvish.

In all honesty, I do not see why you would shy from this challenge. No, it is not easy, but you had already made some inroads. You recognized the essential difference between the Cirth "runes" of Balin's tomb and the Tengwar "letters" corrupted by Sauron upon the One Ring–so basic and fundamental a difference that many students overlook it, to their later dismay. And, although I feel the high-elven dialect of Quenya would have given you trouble and Valarin, the tongue of the Valar, would likely forever elude your grasp, I thought you certainly capable of one day becoming conversant–if not fluent–in Sindarin. But it was not to be, for you, like Radagast The Brown, have chosen the path of blissful ignorance. In so doing, you turn your back on the riches of the world.

Frankly, Steven, given your current level of engagement, I'd be surprised if you could be bothered to study a crude, simple language like Klingon, with its guttural consonants and inelegant constructions.

You might think this harsh, but need I mention which of us once ran out into a freezing parking lot to obtain the autograph of John de Lancie? I know I'd promised to not bring it up again, but you seem to need reminding.

How long has it been since I lent you my copy of Tolkien's The Lost Road, which contains both his indispensable "Lhammas" and the utterly seminal "Etymologies"? Were these not enough to whet your appetite for Elvish languages? Perhaps I should not have even bothered: If Appendix F of Return Of The King did not light a fire within you, further encouragement was probably a fool's errand. But I will need those back soon (seeing as you seem to have no further use for them), along with my three-CD box set of The Shadow radio broadcasts and Tracy Scoggins workout video, at your earliest convenience.

Oh, and one other thing. As disappointed as I am, I would be crestfallen if I were to find out that the ProtoBaggins77 who's been posting lately on the Final Fantasy X board at GameFAQs is you. If you absolutely must go down that road, my former companion, I wish you would have at least chosen the superior FFVII, if not IV. At least then, I would know you were not beyond all hope.

Farewell, Steven. Perhaps one day, I will be able to greet you by saying "Elen Sila lumenn' omentielvo!" But assuming that doesn't happen, I would ask that you please drop off my stuff at the library's tech-help desk any time I'm not working.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More