adBlockCheck

Recent News

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
End Of Section
  • More News

Don't Feel Sad, I'm In Heaven Now, Singing With The Pretty Angels

Please, everybody, don't feel sad. I understand how bad you all feel inside. I know it must seem so awful to you, but there's no reason to be blue. Everything's okay, don't you see? Turn that frown upside down. I'm in Heaven now, singing with the pretty angels.

Please don't cry.

It's so nice up here in Heaven. Everyone is happy, and each day is sunny and bright. Beautiful music plays all around me as I skip and dance through fluffy white clouds. Winged unicorns fly across the sky as harps, trumpets and bells play songs of glory to God. My new friends and I love to go on magic pony rides through the Enchanted Candy Forest and sip sweet nectar from the Yum-Yum Fruit of Gumdrop Glade. And I wear a beautiful necklace made of flowers as I prance about, whistling tunes with the pretty birdies.

Back when I used to live on Earth like you, nothing made me feel more special than knowing that I was making all the nice people happy with my pretty dresses and my sweet smile. I loved curtsying for the judges and hearing all the grown-ups say, "Awww, isn't that cute?" When I did my special tap-dance and sang the "Jesus Loves Me" song up there on that big stage, making sure to do it just right so nobody would get mad and yell at me, I felt like the prettiest little girl in the whole wide world.

Then the Bad Thing came.

Now, everywhere I look, people are feeling sad because they wish I could be alive again. Well, don't you see? You shouldn't be sad. Sing a happy song, because I am alive again, up here in Heaven, where all the good little girls and boys go when they die.

Here in Heaven, everyone has a shiny new halo and beautiful wings sprinkled with starshine. Sometimes, my halo falls down over my head because I'm so little. The other angels always giggle and smile when they see me wrinkling up my cute little face when the halo tickles my button nose.

Fairies and elves and cuddly little animals tuck me into bed each night, and I always have sweet dreams. Every day is full of hugs and laughter, and I never feel cold and alone, like I felt in that awful basement.

I sleep in a bed of moonbeams, covered in a blanket of clouds. Each day, an adorable deer wakes me up by licking my face. Magical dewdrops scrub my pink face clean, and for breakfast I eat a bowl of sunbeams and starshine. I have lots of pretty dresses, and nobody ever makes me wear make-up or high heels. All day long, I play and sing songs with the other angels, tugging at their robes to make them laugh. Most of them are grown-ups, but you'd be surprised if you knew how many of them are adorable little children, just like me! We play games with the angels all day long, and we put on little shows for the grown-ups, spinning around and dancing, and there's always applause from the heavenly hosts. Then we all sing hymns together in praise to God.

Everything is so beautiful up here in Heaven, with puppies and kitties that prance around and fairy-dust that sprinkles through the light. Even Jesus is here. He cradles my tiny little body in His arms, giving me candy and shiny toys to play with, and He shines His love on me. So, you see, there's no reason to be sad. I have risen above my grisly death, and now I sit at the right hand of my Savior on the Throne of Heaven.

Cheer up. Don't be a frowny-face. Let me see you smile.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close