adBlockCheck

Recent News

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
End Of Section
  • More News

Don't Feel Sad, I'm In Heaven Now, Singing With The Pretty Angels

Please, everybody, don't feel sad. I understand how bad you all feel inside. I know it must seem so awful to you, but there's no reason to be blue. Everything's okay, don't you see? Turn that frown upside down. I'm in Heaven now, singing with the pretty angels.

Please don't cry.

It's so nice up here in Heaven. Everyone is happy, and each day is sunny and bright. Beautiful music plays all around me as I skip and dance through fluffy white clouds. Winged unicorns fly across the sky as harps, trumpets and bells play songs of glory to God. My new friends and I love to go on magic pony rides through the Enchanted Candy Forest and sip sweet nectar from the Yum-Yum Fruit of Gumdrop Glade. And I wear a beautiful necklace made of flowers as I prance about, whistling tunes with the pretty birdies.

Back when I used to live on Earth like you, nothing made me feel more special than knowing that I was making all the nice people happy with my pretty dresses and my sweet smile. I loved curtsying for the judges and hearing all the grown-ups say, "Awww, isn't that cute?" When I did my special tap-dance and sang the "Jesus Loves Me" song up there on that big stage, making sure to do it just right so nobody would get mad and yell at me, I felt like the prettiest little girl in the whole wide world.

Then the Bad Thing came.

Now, everywhere I look, people are feeling sad because they wish I could be alive again. Well, don't you see? You shouldn't be sad. Sing a happy song, because I am alive again, up here in Heaven, where all the good little girls and boys go when they die.

Here in Heaven, everyone has a shiny new halo and beautiful wings sprinkled with starshine. Sometimes, my halo falls down over my head because I'm so little. The other angels always giggle and smile when they see me wrinkling up my cute little face when the halo tickles my button nose.

Fairies and elves and cuddly little animals tuck me into bed each night, and I always have sweet dreams. Every day is full of hugs and laughter, and I never feel cold and alone, like I felt in that awful basement.

I sleep in a bed of moonbeams, covered in a blanket of clouds. Each day, an adorable deer wakes me up by licking my face. Magical dewdrops scrub my pink face clean, and for breakfast I eat a bowl of sunbeams and starshine. I have lots of pretty dresses, and nobody ever makes me wear make-up or high heels. All day long, I play and sing songs with the other angels, tugging at their robes to make them laugh. Most of them are grown-ups, but you'd be surprised if you knew how many of them are adorable little children, just like me! We play games with the angels all day long, and we put on little shows for the grown-ups, spinning around and dancing, and there's always applause from the heavenly hosts. Then we all sing hymns together in praise to God.

Everything is so beautiful up here in Heaven, with puppies and kitties that prance around and fairy-dust that sprinkles through the light. Even Jesus is here. He cradles my tiny little body in His arms, giving me candy and shiny toys to play with, and He shines His love on me. So, you see, there's no reason to be sad. I have risen above my grisly death, and now I sit at the right hand of my Savior on the Throne of Heaven.

Cheer up. Don't be a frowny-face. Let me see you smile.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close