Don't Feel Sad, I'm In Heaven Now, Singing With The Pretty Angels

In This Section

Vol 34 Issue 09

CBS: L.A. Doctors Not Some Kind Of Joke

NEW YORK—CBS programming executives reiterated their insistence Monday that the network's new medical drama L.A. Doctors is not some kind of joke. "We are putting out a show called L.A. Doctors and are doing so with no humorous intent," CBS president Leslie Moonves said. "Each week, the triumphs and tribulations of a group of attractive young Los Angeles doctors will be sincerely dramatized on this not-a-joke program." CBS is rolling out a high-profile promo campaign for L.A. Doctors featuring the slogan, "We Are Honestly Not Kidding About This Show."

Area Man Expected To Work With These Incompetents

HOUSTON—Morton Schuitt, a distribution supervisor with DataTech Enterprises, is expected to work with these incompetents, it was learned Monday. "Can you believe the people I have to work with here?" the incredulous Schuitt said. "They can barely tie their own shoes, much less stick to a monthly distribution schedule." Sources indicate that for the money Schuitt is getting for what he has to put up with, it is a miracle he didn't leave DataTech long ago.

Wacky Forensics Investigation Turns Autopsy-Turvy

DETROIT—A forensics examination turned autopsy-turvy Tuesday, when Wayne County coroner Ben Frisch accidentally switched a pair of corpses. As a result of the wacky mix-up, the death of 22-year-old gunshot victim Andre Watts was determined to be a stab wound to the aortic valve, while the cause of death for 47-year-old stabbing victim Bill Lewiston was listed as "gunshot wound, left temple." "Yikes!" said the screwball coroner upon discovering his zany mistake. "Looks like I really goofed this time."

Husband Pretty Sure He Hooked Up Gas Stove Correctly

BAKERSFIELD, CA—Area husband Dan Zollner is "almost positive" that the Hotpoint gas stove he recently purchased is hooked up correctly. "Don't worry, honey, I'm 99.9 percent sure I did it right," Zollner told wife Diane after the fourth installation attempt. "I don't even hear that hissing sound in the back anymore. All the gas seems to be getting into the stove where it belongs." Zollner said he is "real proud" that he was able to hook up the stove without any assistance.

Dying Mastermind Pulls Red Lever

LIBERTY CITY—With his last ounce of strength, dying evil genius Dr. Mordred pulled a red lever Monday, activating his diabolical Ragnarok Device and spelling certain doom for humanity. According to witnesses, moments after Mordred pulled the lever, red siren lights and honking klaxons went off, indicating to the people of Earth that their fate is sealed and that there is nothing they can do about it. The Ragnarok Device will emit Megatronic Sonic-Disruptor Waves into the Earth's core in less than five hours, causing the planet to explode, unless Captain Alpha can be contacted in time.

Russia's Woes?

Russia is currently in the grips of the worst economic and political turmoil it has seen since the breakup of the Soviet Union. What do you think about the woeful state of our former enemy?

Everybody's Swinging, Daddy-O!

Item! All across America, kids are putting on their Zoot Suits and lining up around the block to swing dance again! Sparked by the smash-hit Gap ad, the swing craze is really taking off! In fact, so many people are doing the "Lindberg Hop," the "Shoe-Buckle Shake" and the "Over The River And Through The Woods," it's like it's 1943 all over again! Hey, is that Adolf Hitler over there cutting a rug with Eva Braun? I think it is!
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Internet

Don't Feel Sad, I'm In Heaven Now, Singing With The Pretty Angels

Please, everybody, don't feel sad. I understand how bad you all feel inside. I know it must seem so awful to you, but there's no reason to be blue. Everything's okay, don't you see? Turn that frown upside down. I'm in Heaven now, singing with the pretty angels.

Please don't cry.

It's so nice up here in Heaven. Everyone is happy, and each day is sunny and bright. Beautiful music plays all around me as I skip and dance through fluffy white clouds. Winged unicorns fly across the sky as harps, trumpets and bells play songs of glory to God. My new friends and I love to go on magic pony rides through the Enchanted Candy Forest and sip sweet nectar from the Yum-Yum Fruit of Gumdrop Glade. And I wear a beautiful necklace made of flowers as I prance about, whistling tunes with the pretty birdies.

Back when I used to live on Earth like you, nothing made me feel more special than knowing that I was making all the nice people happy with my pretty dresses and my sweet smile. I loved curtsying for the judges and hearing all the grown-ups say, "Awww, isn't that cute?" When I did my special tap-dance and sang the "Jesus Loves Me" song up there on that big stage, making sure to do it just right so nobody would get mad and yell at me, I felt like the prettiest little girl in the whole wide world.

Then the Bad Thing came.

Now, everywhere I look, people are feeling sad because they wish I could be alive again. Well, don't you see? You shouldn't be sad. Sing a happy song, because I am alive again, up here in Heaven, where all the good little girls and boys go when they die.

Here in Heaven, everyone has a shiny new halo and beautiful wings sprinkled with starshine. Sometimes, my halo falls down over my head because I'm so little. The other angels always giggle and smile when they see me wrinkling up my cute little face when the halo tickles my button nose.

Fairies and elves and cuddly little animals tuck me into bed each night, and I always have sweet dreams. Every day is full of hugs and laughter, and I never feel cold and alone, like I felt in that awful basement.

I sleep in a bed of moonbeams, covered in a blanket of clouds. Each day, an adorable deer wakes me up by licking my face. Magical dewdrops scrub my pink face clean, and for breakfast I eat a bowl of sunbeams and starshine. I have lots of pretty dresses, and nobody ever makes me wear make-up or high heels. All day long, I play and sing songs with the other angels, tugging at their robes to make them laugh. Most of them are grown-ups, but you'd be surprised if you knew how many of them are adorable little children, just like me! We play games with the angels all day long, and we put on little shows for the grown-ups, spinning around and dancing, and there's always applause from the heavenly hosts. Then we all sing hymns together in praise to God.

Everything is so beautiful up here in Heaven, with puppies and kitties that prance around and fairy-dust that sprinkles through the light. Even Jesus is here. He cradles my tiny little body in His arms, giving me candy and shiny toys to play with, and He shines His love on me. So, you see, there's no reason to be sad. I have risen above my grisly death, and now I sit at the right hand of my Savior on the Throne of Heaven.

Cheer up. Don't be a frowny-face. Let me see you smile.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More