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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Down With The Income Tax!

Reading from his enormous ledger book, my accountant informed me today that my decision to purchase the Almagamated Vulcanized Testicle Company had resulted in a considerable loss, and I had no choice but to sell. Drat the foul luck! Why isn't the fool public purchasing rubber testicles? They're easy to care for and jaunty-looking, and they emit a pleasant odor!

Sensing my disgust, my accountant added that any losses could be offset by a reduction in what I owe for the capital gains tax.

Surely this must be some kind of mistake, I told my accountant. T. Herman Zweibel must pay some sort of tax? Nonsense! In fact, I levy my own taxes. The people of the nearby village have been long-accustomed to my bridge-toll, the excise on woolen goods and the turnip surcharge. But taxes levied on me? By whose authority?

The accountant replied that this was the doing of the federal government, which drafted a law requiring citizens to pay what is called an "income-tax" on their earned compensation. I was aghast. "When was this decided?" I demanded. "Since 1910," he answered.

I know that trust-busting bastard Roosevelt has it in for us robber-barons, but to actually expect us to fork over a portion of our wealth to the government? It's like some fairy-pixie notion straight out of Cloud-Cuckoo-Land!

Then, it all began to make sense. This "income-tax" is simply a false scheme devised by my wastrel sons to make off with my estate! Trick Old Man Zweibel into believing he owes a tax, then have him sign a check payable to an "Internal Revenue Service," which is obviously some kind of holding company secretly owned by my wretched offspring! A somewhat clever ruse, boys, but woefully transparent!

I immediately called in my Swiss Guards to arrest the accountant, obviously part of the plot. The simp, still mistaking me for some kind of chump, had the gall to protest that my sons had all died of old age decades ago, but I had him cast into the moat! Yes sir, you have to rise pretty early in the morning to get the best of T. Herman Zweibel! Hear me well, "Internal Revenue Service": I shall pay no income-tax this year, or any year!

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