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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

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J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

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Down With The League Of Nations

This blasted League Of Nations folly is about what I'd expect from that devious bastard President Wilson, meddling in foreign affairs when he should be attending to more important matters! What about all these damned Irish and He-brews and Po-lacks who are swarming into our great Re-public and ointment! Ointment! OINTMENT!

What? Why did I say that? It had nothing to do with the subject at hand. Odd. Well, any-way, to hell with all these consarned Europeans, who think they can come to our shores and tell us up-standing natives what to do with our OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT OINTMENT!

Oh, no. But it can't be! Not OINTMENT now! Oh, dear! It is happening!

Nurse! I'm afflicted with that malady again! The one that makes me say "ointment" over and over!

Ointment. OINTMENT OINTMENT!

Drat it all! I haven't caught "the Ointments" in nearly 15 years! I assumed I was immune by now! In fact, Doc McGillicuddy assured me that the likelihood of OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT!

My God, that shook me to my very core. I don't know if I can bear this. When I was a man of 117, yes. But I'm not as strong as I once was, and...

Oh, no, here it comes—

OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT!

Nurse! Help! Get that quack McGillicuddy on the telephone-voice-device and tell him I'm having a severe attack of "the Ointments"! No, I'm not funning with you! I have "the Ointments"! Didn't McGillicuddy tell you about the "Ointments"? I just said ointment 27 times without stopping! Oh, this is a night-mare! I thought you knew...

Wait a minute. I didn't say "ointment" just then. Well, I did, but what I mean is, I didn't say it involuntarily. Perhaps I caught the 24-hour "Ointments."

Thank goodness. I thought I was a goner for sure.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Damn Europeans, I hate 'em all, including the Flemish! Especially the Flemish! They have ridiculous hair-cuts, and they MARMOSET! MARMOSET! MARMOSET! MARMOSET! MARMOSET!

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