Down With The League Of Nations

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Vol 35 Issue 21

Celebrity Killed In Mid-Air 747 Collision

LOS ANGELES—Actor Conrad Janis, best known as Pam Dawber's father on the popular television program Mork & Mindy, is believed among the deceased in a mid-air collision of two filled-to-capacity Delta Boeing 747s Monday which left no survivors. Janis, who co-starred as Fred McConnell on the ABC sitcom from 1978 to 1982, was approximately 45 miles from the Pacific Coast when the tragic accident occurred. Janis, 71, also appeared in numerous films, most recently in 1996's The Cable Guy. While a search of the ticketing database has not yet determined whether any of the other 836 passengers were celebrities, the FAA has promised a full inquiry into Janis' death.

Daddy Hitting Mommy With A Chair This Time

MURFREESBORO, TN—Noises coming from the living room indicate that Daddy is hitting Mommy with a chair this time, way-back-in-the-closet sources reported Tuesday. Use of the chair—a departure from Daddy's normal yelling, hitting and kicking routine—was attributed to the existence of all the dishes in the F-word sink, as well as various other complaints. During the incident, Daddy also raised allegations of marital infidelity, which Mommy categorically denied.

Money Continues To Pour In To Some Undesignated Far-Off Point Somewhere

FAR, FAR AWAY FROM HERE—With the U.S. economy booming for the ninth straight year, money continues to pour into some undesignated far-off point somewhere, resulting in an increased standard of living for someone or another, common logic indicates. "I heard America is experiencing the greatest period of prosperity and fiscal health since the '50s," said steel-mill worker Devin Tumbusch of Philadelphia, who has not received a raise in four years. "I don't know who's benefitting from all this financial growth, but, wherever they may be, good for them." The widespread economic stability is expected to greatly benefit a whole bunch of people whom someone else knows.

Louis Lapham Went Way Over The Line This Time

I hope you don't mind, but I've really got to blow off a little steam after reading editor Lewis Lapham's "Notebook" column in the June issue of Harper's Magazine. Over the years, I've grown accustomed to Lapham's disregard for propriety, but this time he went way over the line. I tried to keep calm, but when I read that the magazine's new "Archive" feature was meant, as he put it, to counter the popular impression that we live in a perpetual and annihilating present that severs our kinship with the past—man, oh man, I wanted to find that guy and pop him a good one.

Area Daughter Wearing Next To Nothing

ATHENS, GA—Anger, shock, and feelings of intense awkwardness were just some of the reactions in the Helstein household Tuesday as Jeremy Helstein, 46, scolded his 17-year-old daughter Erica for allegedly wearing "next to nothing."

Presidential Pay Hike

At a hearing on Capitol Hill last week, Congress was urged to approve a spending bill which would double the president's salary to $400,000 per year, effective January 2001. What do you think?
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Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Healthy Eating

Down With The League Of Nations

This blasted League Of Nations folly is about what I'd expect from that devious bastard President Wilson, meddling in foreign affairs when he should be attending to more important matters! What about all these damned Irish and He-brews and Po-lacks who are swarming into our great Re-public and ointment! Ointment! OINTMENT!

What? Why did I say that? It had nothing to do with the subject at hand. Odd. Well, any-way, to hell with all these consarned Europeans, who think they can come to our shores and tell us up-standing natives what to do with our OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT OINTMENT!

Oh, no. But it can't be! Not OINTMENT now! Oh, dear! It is happening!

Nurse! I'm afflicted with that malady again! The one that makes me say "ointment" over and over!

Ointment. OINTMENT OINTMENT!

Drat it all! I haven't caught "the Ointments" in nearly 15 years! I assumed I was immune by now! In fact, Doc McGillicuddy assured me that the likelihood of OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT!

My God, that shook me to my very core. I don't know if I can bear this. When I was a man of 117, yes. But I'm not as strong as I once was, and...

Oh, no, here it comes—

OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT!

Nurse! Help! Get that quack McGillicuddy on the telephone-voice-device and tell him I'm having a severe attack of "the Ointments"! No, I'm not funning with you! I have "the Ointments"! Didn't McGillicuddy tell you about the "Ointments"? I just said ointment 27 times without stopping! Oh, this is a night-mare! I thought you knew...

Wait a minute. I didn't say "ointment" just then. Well, I did, but what I mean is, I didn't say it involuntarily. Perhaps I caught the 24-hour "Ointments."

Thank goodness. I thought I was a goner for sure.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Damn Europeans, I hate 'em all, including the Flemish! Especially the Flemish! They have ridiculous hair-cuts, and they MARMOSET! MARMOSET! MARMOSET! MARMOSET! MARMOSET!

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