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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Down With The League Of Nations

This blasted League Of Nations folly is about what I'd expect from that devious bastard President Wilson, meddling in foreign affairs when he should be attending to more important matters! What about all these damned Irish and He-brews and Po-lacks who are swarming into our great Re-public and ointment! Ointment! OINTMENT!

What? Why did I say that? It had nothing to do with the subject at hand. Odd. Well, any-way, to hell with all these consarned Europeans, who think they can come to our shores and tell us up-standing natives what to do with our OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT OINTMENT!

Oh, no. But it can't be! Not OINTMENT now! Oh, dear! It is happening!

Nurse! I'm afflicted with that malady again! The one that makes me say "ointment" over and over!

Ointment. OINTMENT OINTMENT!

Drat it all! I haven't caught "the Ointments" in nearly 15 years! I assumed I was immune by now! In fact, Doc McGillicuddy assured me that the likelihood of OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT!

My God, that shook me to my very core. I don't know if I can bear this. When I was a man of 117, yes. But I'm not as strong as I once was, and...

Oh, no, here it comes—

OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT! OINTMENT!

Nurse! Help! Get that quack McGillicuddy on the telephone-voice-device and tell him I'm having a severe attack of "the Ointments"! No, I'm not funning with you! I have "the Ointments"! Didn't McGillicuddy tell you about the "Ointments"? I just said ointment 27 times without stopping! Oh, this is a night-mare! I thought you knew...

Wait a minute. I didn't say "ointment" just then. Well, I did, but what I mean is, I didn't say it involuntarily. Perhaps I caught the 24-hour "Ointments."

Thank goodness. I thought I was a goner for sure.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Damn Europeans, I hate 'em all, including the Flemish! Especially the Flemish! They have ridiculous hair-cuts, and they MARMOSET! MARMOSET! MARMOSET! MARMOSET! MARMOSET!

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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