Dropping A Hint

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Vol 35 Issue 41

Turkish Man Kiss You

IZMIR, TURKEY–According to reports, Izmir-area journalist and table-tennis enthusiast Mahir welcomes you to his homepage and kiss you. "Welcome to my page!!!!!!!!! I Kiss You!!!!!" said Mahir, who enjoys taking foto-camera of animals, towns, nice nude models and peoples. Friends and neighbors of the green-eyed, mustachioed player of many many music enstrumans reported his tall at 1.84 centimeters. Mahir also stressed that who is want to come TURKEY, he can invitate. "She can stay my home," he said. "I like to be friendship from other country." Those who visitate Mahir and stay his home can expect to speak numerous languages with him, as well as participate in such sports as swiming, volayball, tenis and walk. "I like sex," Mahir added.

Clinton Says Badtz-Maru May Be His Favorite Sanrio Character

WASHINGTON, DC–In a surprise reversal, President Clinton announced Monday that Badtz-Maru is "probably" his favorite Sanrio character. "Badtz-Maru is a very mischievous little penguin," Clinton said. "I love it when he rolls his eyes and sticks out his tongue. Also, he lives in Gorgeoustown, where he attends first grade at the Gorgeous Academy with his friends Hana Maru the seal and Pandaba the panda bear. Badtz-Maru likes to take walks in the park with his pet alligator Pochi. He is so funny!" In 1997, Clinton had stated that Keroppi the frog is his favorite Sanrio character.

MIT Researchers Discover Each Other

CAMBRIDGE, MA–While attempting to isolate a gene believed to be key to the development of the autoimmune disorder myasthenia gravis Monday, MIT geneticists Dr. Stephen Eng and Dr. Caryn Sohn made a breakthrough discovery: each other. "I was examining some cellular tissue when my electron microscope broke," Eng said. "Caryn offered to share her microscope, and each of us looked at the tissue through one of the eyepieces. At one point, our cheeks lightly touched, and I looked over and realized how beautiful she looks without her glasses." Sohn felt a similar rush of emotion, saying, "I always saw Stephen as a respected colleague and a dedicated scientist. But that afternoon, for the first time, I saw him as a man." A process of trial-and-error sexual experimentation commenced later that evening, continuing well into the night.

Eight Million Americans Rescued From Poverty With Redefinition Of Term

WASHINGTON, DC–Approximately eight million Americans living below the poverty line were rescued from economic hardship Monday, when the U.S. Census Bureau redefined the term. "We are winning the war on poverty," said bureau head James Irving, who lowered the poverty line for a four-person family to $14,945. "Today, millions of people whose inflation-adjusted total household income is less than $16,780 are living better lives." Said formerly poor Jackson, MS, motel housekeeper Althea Williams: "I never dreamed I'd ever become middle-class. America truly is the land of opportunity."

Time Foe Tha H-Dog To Give Props

Yo, peep this: I wanna take this opportunity to give a shout-out to all tha homies who got tha H-Dog's back in his day-to-day bidness as tha Accountz Reeceevable Supervisa over at Midstate Office Supply, know what I'm sayin'? Now, I know what all y'all be thinkin': Damn, that H-Dog, he a straight-up big-willie highrolla, an' if there ever wuz a person that don't need to give no props to nobody, he it. No diggity, bruthahs an' sistahs.

Local Man Orders Now

ELKHART, IN—Wowed by a half-hour paid commercial for the latest miracle product from Culinare®, makers of the incredible SafetyCan, local resident Wayne Pusak ordered the "Rocket Chef" now, it was reported Monday.

Talking Air Safety

Several recent high-profile plane crashes, including an Oct. 31 EgyptAir disaster that claimed 217 lives, have once again caused airline safety to come into question. What do you think?
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Dropping A Hint

My man-servant Standish informed me that this upcoming Yule-tide will be the final one of the years that begin with 19. This fact got me to thinking and, although I certainly would hate to impose on any-one, it would sure be nice if I could receive the gift of a nice, new woolen shawl for Christ-mas.

I do have a shawl right now, but it is old and worn, and it has grown rather, shall I say, wretched. I will not go into gory detail, but suffice it to say, it bears at least three successive layers of congealed sputum and leprous skin flakes.

I have saved the guess-work for any potential gift-giver by picking out the shawl I would like. The F.J. Abernathy Dry-Goods Catalogue has a very nice chartreuse-colored one with a pretty diamond-knit design and fringe border for $1.20. It is featured on page 211 of the catalogue, among other shawl models of varying price. If I got one of those instead, that would be fine, too.

This is not the type of present I would pitch into a closet and never lay eyes on again, like those hundreds of mechanical nightingales, jewel-encrusted sceptres and chests of doubloons I've received for count-less Christ-mases past. It is true, the old adage which says that the finer things in life are invariably the simplest. Yet no-one ever thinks to give me a shawl, not even my near-destitute servants, who often spend as much as half their yearly wages to purchase for me some gaudy bauble that, more often than not, goes into the refuse heap.

A new shawl would be quite a boon for me. I think I would wear it in bed mostly, about my shoulders, and secure it at my bosom with a safety-pin. I could also wear it when Standish wheels me about the mansion in my wheel-chair. Or when Nurse Pin-head spoons me my gruel every evening. Or when I look out the window of my bed-chamber for hours on end.

Should I receive a shawl this Christ-mas, I promise I will write the benefactor a very cordial letter of thanks and well-wishes. Said benefactor will also be invited to my estate for a festive Christ-mas dinner. Standish will let you in through the back-door, and you will eat your meal in the servants' dining-room. Stew will be served.

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