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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Dad Locks Into Elaborate Chess Match With Lawn Mower Salesman

TACOMA, WA—Intermittently shifting his gaze between his opponent and the product brochure in his hands as he shrewdly calculated his next move, local father Thomas McCabe became locked into an intricate chess match Thursday with riding lawn mower salesman Keith Porter, family sources reported.

How To Prepare A Will

Writing a will ensures the proper distribution of your assets upon your death. The Onion takes you through the steps of preparing this important document
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Dungeon Master

With the feast of the Thanks-giving nigh upon us, I thought it only proper that I graciously liberate a number of individuals currently chained in my estate's dungeon. Those who have earned pardons this year are:

Mr. Roger Upshaw, who I am certain has by now been cured of his delusional notion that he is a Census Bureau employee.

Mr. Kenneth Phelps, photo-play critic of The Onion, who in 1926 called into question the acting skills of my favorite male performer of the moving-daguerreotypes, Adolphe Menjou. Mr. Phelps has been hanging upside-down in shackles ever since.

Mr. and Mrs. William and Kristin Kronauer, tourists who took a wrong turn. Also, their children Tiffany and Jason, as well as their unborn baby. (At least, it was unborn at the time.)

The remains of Isabel C. Quinn, who I hear was actually named a martyr by the Roman Catholic Church due to her pious sufferings in my dungeon. Well, if she hadn't gone delinquent on her Onion subscription, she could have avoided this mess.

Mr. Woodrow Wood-pecker, whose well-documented history of uncouth behavior was for decades the Republic's greatest shame. What he did to that walrus gentle-man was inexcusable. After years of trying, my Swiss Guard finally snared him in a tiger trap, into which 10,000 gallons of quick-drying cement was poured. I am willing to excavate him, but only in exchange for those two back-sassing crows.

The long-missing crew of a merchant-marine sloop that was wrecked on the rocks below my estate. I was going to keep them for ransom at one point, but I forgot to get around to it. Just call me Mr. Procrastination, I suppose.

(I was only jesting just now. You may only address me as Mr. Zweibel. Any other appellation will be dealt with in the harshest manner possible. Do I make myself clear?)

Sherman Willetts, an editorialist for The Daily Worker, who once accused me of oiling my wheel-chair with the blood of laborers. While I appreciated the sentiment, I felt the premise unforgivably weak, as blood is an extremely poor lubricant. It dries much too quickly. Better to use pus.

Mr. Oscar Zzunivich, the last person listed in the local telephone-directory. Such ostentation is extremely off-putting in a democratic society, but I feel confident that Mr. Zzunivich has learned his lesson, and that in the future he will abstain from owning a telephone.

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