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Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.
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Dungeon Master

With the feast of the Thanks-giving nigh upon us, I thought it only proper that I graciously liberate a number of individuals currently chained in my estate's dungeon. Those who have earned pardons this year are:

Mr. Roger Upshaw, who I am certain has by now been cured of his delusional notion that he is a Census Bureau employee.

Mr. Kenneth Phelps, photo-play critic of The Onion, who in 1926 called into question the acting skills of my favorite male performer of the moving-daguerreotypes, Adolphe Menjou. Mr. Phelps has been hanging upside-down in shackles ever since.

Mr. and Mrs. William and Kristin Kronauer, tourists who took a wrong turn. Also, their children Tiffany and Jason, as well as their unborn baby. (At least, it was unborn at the time.)

The remains of Isabel C. Quinn, who I hear was actually named a martyr by the Roman Catholic Church due to her pious sufferings in my dungeon. Well, if she hadn't gone delinquent on her Onion subscription, she could have avoided this mess.

Mr. Woodrow Wood-pecker, whose well-documented history of uncouth behavior was for decades the Republic's greatest shame. What he did to that walrus gentle-man was inexcusable. After years of trying, my Swiss Guard finally snared him in a tiger trap, into which 10,000 gallons of quick-drying cement was poured. I am willing to excavate him, but only in exchange for those two back-sassing crows.

The long-missing crew of a merchant-marine sloop that was wrecked on the rocks below my estate. I was going to keep them for ransom at one point, but I forgot to get around to it. Just call me Mr. Procrastination, I suppose.

(I was only jesting just now. You may only address me as Mr. Zweibel. Any other appellation will be dealt with in the harshest manner possible. Do I make myself clear?)

Sherman Willetts, an editorialist for The Daily Worker, who once accused me of oiling my wheel-chair with the blood of laborers. While I appreciated the sentiment, I felt the premise unforgivably weak, as blood is an extremely poor lubricant. It dries much too quickly. Better to use pus.

Mr. Oscar Zzunivich, the last person listed in the local telephone-directory. Such ostentation is extremely off-putting in a democratic society, but I feel confident that Mr. Zzunivich has learned his lesson, and that in the future he will abstain from owning a telephone.

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