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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
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Dungeon Master

With the feast of the Thanks-giving nigh upon us, I thought it only proper that I graciously liberate a number of individuals currently chained in my estate's dungeon. Those who have earned pardons this year are:

Mr. Roger Upshaw, who I am certain has by now been cured of his delusional notion that he is a Census Bureau employee.

Mr. Kenneth Phelps, photo-play critic of The Onion, who in 1926 called into question the acting skills of my favorite male performer of the moving-daguerreotypes, Adolphe Menjou. Mr. Phelps has been hanging upside-down in shackles ever since.

Mr. and Mrs. William and Kristin Kronauer, tourists who took a wrong turn. Also, their children Tiffany and Jason, as well as their unborn baby. (At least, it was unborn at the time.)

The remains of Isabel C. Quinn, who I hear was actually named a martyr by the Roman Catholic Church due to her pious sufferings in my dungeon. Well, if she hadn't gone delinquent on her Onion subscription, she could have avoided this mess.

Mr. Woodrow Wood-pecker, whose well-documented history of uncouth behavior was for decades the Republic's greatest shame. What he did to that walrus gentle-man was inexcusable. After years of trying, my Swiss Guard finally snared him in a tiger trap, into which 10,000 gallons of quick-drying cement was poured. I am willing to excavate him, but only in exchange for those two back-sassing crows.

The long-missing crew of a merchant-marine sloop that was wrecked on the rocks below my estate. I was going to keep them for ransom at one point, but I forgot to get around to it. Just call me Mr. Procrastination, I suppose.

(I was only jesting just now. You may only address me as Mr. Zweibel. Any other appellation will be dealt with in the harshest manner possible. Do I make myself clear?)

Sherman Willetts, an editorialist for The Daily Worker, who once accused me of oiling my wheel-chair with the blood of laborers. While I appreciated the sentiment, I felt the premise unforgivably weak, as blood is an extremely poor lubricant. It dries much too quickly. Better to use pus.

Mr. Oscar Zzunivich, the last person listed in the local telephone-directory. Such ostentation is extremely off-putting in a democratic society, but I feel confident that Mr. Zzunivich has learned his lesson, and that in the future he will abstain from owning a telephone.

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