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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Earth, Prepare To Meet Thy DOOM!

This past earthly solar cycle was one to be remembered. A year of change. A year of hope. Pitiful, misplaced hope! But by far, the single most important issue of the year was that of the environment. For in the miserable annals of the Earth, this shall forever be remembered as the year I, Gorzo, destroyed your planetary environment once and for all!

What an insignificant little planet. Weak. Defenseless. Hanging there in the void just begging to be conquered! But before blasting your puny homeworld into smithereens with the Atomic Radio Ray and condemning your populace to bondage in the Gorzonian empire, I had to chuckle to myself with evil glee, "I think I'll toy with it a while!" And that is exactly what I did!

First, I wrung my long-fingernailed, bejeweled hands together in delight and pondered which sadistic whim I would satisfy first! "How," I asked myself, "should I pummel this little world into oblivion? With my Automatic Weather Controller, I can wreak havoc upon their global climate…and they will be helpless to resist!

"Should I activate the HOT HAIL button, and bombard them with burning chunks of ice? Imagine them scurrying to and fro as doom falls upon them from above!

"Should I trigger a series of earthquakes by altering the course of their moon? They will scatter like frightened ants as the very land beneath their primitive feet quivers and crumbles in obedience to the commands of…Gorzo the Mighty, Overlord of the Seven Suns of Solaria, the greatest tyrant the galaxy has ever known!

"Should I set off tidal waves? Vast, inexplicable electrical storms? Terrifying swirls of poisonous gas in the upper atmosphere, appearing as if from nowhere to terrify unsuspecting onlookers? Shall I rip apart their homes with ferocious winds?"

And then, pathetic Earthlings, I made my decision…and decided to do all of these things…and more! I wreaked havoc upon you! And you quaked with fear at my might! Ha ha ha! Such pleasure it gave me! Such repetitive, maniacal laughter! And there was nothing any of you could do! And what's more, your pathetic champion, Crash Comet, Space Commander from the Year 2000, was nowhere to be found!

Now all that remains is to finish the job! All I need to do now is activate the full destructive power of my Automatic Weather Controller and watch in delight as your puny Earth is destroyed at last! As soon as I pull this conspicuous, oversized lever….

What!?

The Spaceship Gallant? Emerging in an attack formation from a concealed orbit behind your Moon? Flanked by the accursed Prince Kazak and his Rocket Squad!? Firing full Nucleo-Engines as it speeds to the rescue in one last-ditch attempt to save the world?

FOOLS! Don't they know they can never breach the Impenetron Field?

NO! The Dynamo-Generator has been blasted by a surprise attack from Wotanus and his Valkyrie War-Jet Platoon! My Robo-Legionnaires are no match for them! The Energy Barrier is down! The forces of Gorzo are helpless!

But how could they get the secret location of the Dynamo-Generator, unless…. Princess Sultrania! My treacherous daughter! I should have known I could not trust her! I…wait. Wait! By all the galaxies! It cannot be!

The Star of Freedom IV! Blasting through the atmosphere! Opening fire upon my impenetrable Stratofortress! I…am…undone!

Crash Comet, Space Commander from the Year 2000—curse you! You have defeated me once again!

But this is not the end, no! I will be back! Mark my words, Earth: Gorzo the Mighty Shall return...in 2009!

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