Education Is Our Passport To The Something Or Other

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Vol 40 Issue 33

Waiting-Room Copy Of People Brings Area Man Up To Speed On Paris Hilton

TULSA, OK—While waiting to see dermatologist Rawson Meyers, Randy Slocum was "brought up to speed" on the life of Paris Hilton by an Aug. 9 issue of People magazine Monday. "I never quite knew what Paris Hilton did, besides get some home-sex tape put on the Internet," Slocum said during the 18 minutes he spent waiting to have a benign mole removed. "Well, it turns out she wrapped up a second season of The Simple Life, this TV show she does with Lionel Richie's daughter. And she was dating some guy named Nick Carter, but they broke up." An article about Jessica Simpson also cleared up Slocum's previous assumption that Hilton starred in the MTV reality show Newlyweds.

Girlfriend Acting All Clingy After Getting Pregnant

TUCSON, AZ—Human-resources manager Dave Buckner, 27, said Monday that longtime girlfriend Janice Feener, 24, has been "a lot more clingy" ever since July, when she learned she was pregnant with his child. "All of a sudden, she's saying 'I love you' six times a day and wants to sit around hugging on the couch all night," Buckner said. "I'm not sure what's gotten into her, but it's getting really annoying." Buckner added that there's no way he can stand six and a half more months of Feener's behavior, and is considering buying her a puppy to keep her company.

Personal Life A Total Waste Of Time

ALTOONA, PA—Stockbroker Donald Guy, 38, announced Monday that his non-work life is "a complete waste of time." "I spent the weekend reading, watching movies, and visiting friends." Guy said. "I didn't get a damn thing done." He added that he might have gotten more accomplished Sunday had he not been burdened with the need to go swimming with his wife and children.

State Bird Reconsidered After Latest Wren Attack

COLUMBIA, SC—Gov. Mark Sanford spoke out Monday in favor of changing his state's bird from the Carolina wren to "anything else" following the ninth unprovoked wren attack this year. "In light of last week's events, I strongly feel the wren is no longer a good representative for the state of South Carolina," Sanford said, referring to Friday's tragic dive-bombing and pecking incident at a Myrtle Beach preschool. "Maybe it's time we recognize one of our more docile birds, like the robin or the magnolia warbler." Sanford advised anyone hearing the wren's cries of "tea-kettle, tea-kettle" to run for cover immediately.

Republicans Outraged By Inaccuracies In Metallica Documentary

WASHINGTON, DC—Republican congressmen lambasted the documentary Metallica: Some Kind Of Monster for its "gross inaccuracies and fabrications" Monday. "[Filmmakers] Joe Berlinger and Bruce Sinofsky are clearly biased," Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said. "By editing together concert footage from three different mediocre shows, they have given the general public a false impression that Metallica still kicks ass." Hastert added that there is no hard evidence to support the film's argument that the album St. Anger has more thrashing riffs than Kill 'Em All.

Bush Finally Gets Oval Office Just The Way He Wants It

WASHINGTON, DC—After four different color schemes, a Tiki phase, and more than three years spent rearranging furniture, President Bush has the Oval Office set up just the way he wants it, the chief executive said in an informal press conference Monday.

Gay Marriage In San Francisco

Last week, California's Supreme Court voided about 4,000 same-sex marriages performed by the mayor of San Francisco earlier this year. What do you think?
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Education Is Our Passport To The Something Or Other

I once spoke to a couple who arrived in the U.S. as political refugees. They were poor, hungry, without friends, and of very limited resources, and yet they spent close to 70 percent of their income on the education of their son. I asked them why, and I'll never forget what they said. "People can take your house, your car, and your clothes. They can take away your family, your liberty, and even your life. But they can never—something about education."

Education is the single most important issue of today. More important than... you know, all the other issues combined. "Why is that?" you ask. Because it's the educated minds of the country that consider those issues and then, once they decide, go on ahead and figure out what we are going to do about those things.

Education is the whatchamacallit—the big base thingy under a house—for a prosperous life. We use education every day. Sign a contract this morning? You used reading comprehension. Balance your checkbook? You used math. You probably didn't realize you used geography to get to this symposium today. Did you look at the map on the back of your prospectuses? You, sir, were using geography. Then, of course, there are tangible financial benefits to obtaining higher degrees, such as what-have-you.

The other benefits of an education—the opposite of the practical benefits—are infinite. They are not unlike outer space in this respect. But just as scientists continue to send astronauts up into space's farthest reaches, in spite of its, you know, endlessness or whatever, we scholars attempt to fathom education's impractical effects on our minds and our futures, for, as scholars, this is what... I'm going to do now. Could you cue the nature sounds, Rachel?

Dim the lights.

With an education comes the ability to articulate oneself. With that ability comes Plato's Allegory of the Cave. Cavemen. Stonehenge. The Earl of Northumberland. Mr. Barnes and Mr. Noble. The Mayans, Beethoven's hearing, Dr. Mengele. Education is the keystone to these worlds; it's the arch that spans the doorway between the future and the past. Without education, a child cannot pass beneath that doorway. Such a child is left outside, in the present, for he does not have the tithe. That's enough of the lion sounds now.

Rachel? That's enough.

Education. Education is the key that unlocks locked things. Education lets us approach problems analytically, see issues from multiple sides, and these valuable things are important. Education is essential to being able to communicate with the French in their own language. It is essential to being able to recognize this or that aria. It is essential to a whatchamacallit... when you get the wine? I am going to move on to the third portion of the planned presentation.

I obtained this pie chart from a web site and printed it. You see, according to scientists at a center of great learning, if 10 percent more Americans obtained a college degree, the future world—our greatest gift to our children—would be so affected as to... This poster board is pro-education.

In conclusion, let me invite you to visualize an image from the Bible. It is the future, and we have no bodies to speak of. Above us, a translucent ramp into the sky, with celestial escalators, these escalators ridden by children, angels, all of them moving upwards, and at the ramp's apex: I forget. It's something about education. In order to guarantee that our future is like a quiet, beautiful, ramp thingamajiggy in the sky, we must get every American child educated.

In order to get every American child educated, we must begin the process of education at home. Also, we must allocate not just money and teachers, facilities, libraries, but also... all those things and more. Much more. Only by granting every child equal access to the great font of knowledge can we do what we need to do as we move on into our future, the future of America, the future of the world. As that great general—Custer—said on the eve of that important evening, his final stand, he sat, warming his hands around a cocoa, and said, you know, "Everyone should have an education."

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