Either Hubby Rick's Wacky Acrylic Baseball Cap Collection Goes, Or I Go!

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

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WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Either Hubby Rick's Wacky Acrylic Baseball Cap Collection Goes, Or I Go!

Well, I finally finished the spring housecleaning. Now I understand why people give their houses a good cleaning only once a year—what a chore! We didn’t have dust bunnies, we had dust bears! And my vacuum cleaner was working so much overtime it almost went on strike!

But the worst chore of all had to be cleaning out the closets. The clutter had to be seen to be believed! Call me a sentimental sap, but I just can’t bring myself to toss out my old Holly Hobbie silkscreen pillow. And I will admit to you right now I still have the Kotex Junior Miss Sanitary Napkin Belt the school nurse gave us gals in seventh grade gym class!

But hubby Rick is even worse! This became apparent when I yanked out one of the drawers from our waterbed and pulled out a stack of the grimiest-looking baseball caps you’ve ever seen!

And they’re not just dirty literally—the caps have raunchy sayings on them too. Now I’m not knocking hats with sayings on them—some of them are really clever. Just the other day I couldn’t resist buying one from the Hallmark store that said, “Physically Fit... To Eat Chocolate!”

But Rick’s are the most offensive and tasteless things I had ever seen! One had a picture of a drunk at a bar saying, “If You Saw My Wife, You’d Drink Too!” Another said, “I Have a PMS Wife—A Pretty Mean Sow!’

And I nearly flipped my wig when I saw, “No Fat Chicks!” I never felt so humiliated in all my life! This was worse than the time Rick read my diary! It was like Rick was making fun of me in the crudest way possible in front of his friends and co-workers at the tire center, and I had no way to fight back!

Well, I may be amply proportioned, but you can be certain Rick is no Cary Grant, and I’ve never worn anything that made fun of him! (Okay, I admit to owning an “Old Fart’s Wife” sweatshirt, but I haven’t worn it in the longest time.)

So it goes without saying I gave Rick a great big piece of my mind that evening! At first, he tried to ignore me by watching his sports bloopers tape, but he sure sat up and took notice when I threatened to leave him if he didn’t trash those caps!

But instead of seeing the error of his ways, he started whining about how he was always getting ridiculed in my column and how his buddies were now referring to him as “Hubby Rick.” So wearing the caps was his only way to get back at me. Okay, I could see his point.

Therefore, in the interest of preserving marital harmony, I, Jean Teasdale, do hereby swear on a stack of Bibles to lay off hubby Rick. I also promise to give Rick an opportunity to rebut in print any claims on his character I make that he feels are incorrect. In exchange, Rick agrees to destroy any baseball caps I deem offensive in nature.

There, Rick, happy now? Now Rick’s telling me he wants to personally address you readers with a few sentences of his own. (That is, if he knows basic sentence structure!) All right, Rick, I relinquish my keyboard to you. Do your worst...

NO FAT CHICKS ALOUD!

by Rick Teasdale

Onion Awesome Dude

Hey, kidies! Time for the Rick Teasdale Show! Keep on %Rocking in the Free wrold! Hello Foxy Ladies! Class of ‘77 Rules! Hey Bill and Hilary, Go back to Whitwater! Dale Earnhardt is God! And The Bears Still Suck! Wooooo!! Woooooooo!!!!!