adBlockCheck

Either Hubby Rick's Wacky Acrylic Baseball Cap Collection Goes, Or I Go!

Top Headlines

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Either Hubby Rick's Wacky Acrylic Baseball Cap Collection Goes, Or I Go!

Well, I finally finished the spring housecleaning. Now I understand why people give their houses a good cleaning only once a year—what a chore! We didn’t have dust bunnies, we had dust bears! And my vacuum cleaner was working so much overtime it almost went on strike!

But the worst chore of all had to be cleaning out the closets. The clutter had to be seen to be believed! Call me a sentimental sap, but I just can’t bring myself to toss out my old Holly Hobbie silkscreen pillow. And I will admit to you right now I still have the Kotex Junior Miss Sanitary Napkin Belt the school nurse gave us gals in seventh grade gym class!

But hubby Rick is even worse! This became apparent when I yanked out one of the drawers from our waterbed and pulled out a stack of the grimiest-looking baseball caps you’ve ever seen!

And they’re not just dirty literally—the caps have raunchy sayings on them too. Now I’m not knocking hats with sayings on them—some of them are really clever. Just the other day I couldn’t resist buying one from the Hallmark store that said, “Physically Fit... To Eat Chocolate!”

But Rick’s are the most offensive and tasteless things I had ever seen! One had a picture of a drunk at a bar saying, “If You Saw My Wife, You’d Drink Too!” Another said, “I Have a PMS Wife—A Pretty Mean Sow!’

And I nearly flipped my wig when I saw, “No Fat Chicks!” I never felt so humiliated in all my life! This was worse than the time Rick read my diary! It was like Rick was making fun of me in the crudest way possible in front of his friends and co-workers at the tire center, and I had no way to fight back!

Well, I may be amply proportioned, but you can be certain Rick is no Cary Grant, and I’ve never worn anything that made fun of him! (Okay, I admit to owning an “Old Fart’s Wife” sweatshirt, but I haven’t worn it in the longest time.)

So it goes without saying I gave Rick a great big piece of my mind that evening! At first, he tried to ignore me by watching his sports bloopers tape, but he sure sat up and took notice when I threatened to leave him if he didn’t trash those caps!

But instead of seeing the error of his ways, he started whining about how he was always getting ridiculed in my column and how his buddies were now referring to him as “Hubby Rick.” So wearing the caps was his only way to get back at me. Okay, I could see his point.

Therefore, in the interest of preserving marital harmony, I, Jean Teasdale, do hereby swear on a stack of Bibles to lay off hubby Rick. I also promise to give Rick an opportunity to rebut in print any claims on his character I make that he feels are incorrect. In exchange, Rick agrees to destroy any baseball caps I deem offensive in nature.

There, Rick, happy now? Now Rick’s telling me he wants to personally address you readers with a few sentences of his own. (That is, if he knows basic sentence structure!) All right, Rick, I relinquish my keyboard to you. Do your worst...

NO FAT CHICKS ALOUD!

by Rick Teasdale

Onion Awesome Dude

Hey, kidies! Time for the Rick Teasdale Show! Keep on %Rocking in the Free wrold! Hello Foxy Ladies! Class of ‘77 Rules! Hey Bill and Hilary, Go back to Whitwater! Dale Earnhardt is God! And The Bears Still Suck! Wooooo!! Woooooooo!!!!!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close