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How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
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Escape Into Escapism With Jean

Lend me your eyes, Jeanketeers, because I’m mounting the ol’ soapbox again! Hey, wait—do soapboxes even exist anymore? Well, let’s pretend they do, because I would have a very hard time standing atop a large jug of liquid laundry detergent! LOLOLOLOL! (Finally, I figured out a way to use that soapbox/liquid detergent gem! It sat in my notebook for ages. I’m soooo proud of myself for waiting for an opportunity to use it that wasn’t forced!) Anyhow, being as we are peas in the proverbial pod, I’ll assume you are just as sick to death as I am of all the permissive trash and major bummers that pass for popular entertainment these days.

It was bad enough when Justin Bieber started going goofy on us. In the past, once a teen pop idol stopped being a tawny little singing puppy, we’d simply move on to the next totes adorbs up-and-comer. But for some reason, Justin Bieber is still sticking around as famous as ever, and now he’s acting like one of those tough rapping stars. He’s all hard-edged with his spiky hair and slightly more noticeable muscle definition. Frankly, I’m a little frightened of him. If I encountered him at night in the Pamida parking lot, I’d run!

And just as we were starting to process that shock, Hannah Montana herself entered the Twilight Zone! (Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo…!) I don’t know why anyone, especially when many others are out of work, would trade her nice pop-singing career and long brunette hairdo for a choppy blond cut and a routine of forcing cute bears to watch her while she mimes whoopee. Why, Miley even dyed her tongue white for the occasion! What did I do to her besides think she was a gifted young singer who was born solely to amuse us?

Jeanketeers, the music, movies, and TV shows we watch need to stop going full yucko and return to being escapist fun. When you’ve gotten home from the indoor flea market after a rough half-day in which a customer tried to bargain you down on a huge box of paperbacks from $12.50 to a dime, the last thing you want is to switch on your TV and find a man with cancer making scary blue drugs. Some of us don’t feel any need for downers and rebellion and never will!

Maybe Hollywood has truly forgotten how to spin fantasy. Perhaps things in Tinseltown are so crazy hectic that it’s lost its ability to relax and imagine happy times and consequence-free scenarios, and can now only create tense weirdness and frustration. If that’s the case, maybe we should all just close our eyes and daydream on our own. (It’s sure cheaper than cable, amirite?)

To get the ball rolling, I’ll share my own imaginings of pure, stress-relieving escapism. So sit back and let these tempting visions wash over you…

  • You are walking down a sidewalk. Every gentle gust of breeze feels just like kisses.
  • Everything you see is edible and delicious. Even a stop sign. You eat everything. No witch is around to eat you.
  • A pair of jeans cuts and sews itself for you, then wraps itself around your body and zips itself up. A perfect fit!

(See what I’m getting at here?)

  • You commute to work by being pushed in a giant baby carriage. No need to worry about being ridiculed by passersby. Ahhhh.
  • During an argument, your hubby huffs and puffs so much that he literally turns into a hot-air balloon. You climb into the balloon and float away to the land where waterfalls are made! (A particular fave of mine!)
  • Imagine you can shrink yourself to the size of your kitty. Oh, what adventures you’d have with your fuzzy buddy!
  • You can hear butterflies sing.
  • General visions of gleaming alabaster castles, clouds, beaches, etc.
  • A unicorn sits beside you and lays its head on your lap. That’s impossible, you say—your maidenhead was taken long ago! But in escapist fantasy, there are no impossibilities!

So…did you escape? Do you feel like your soul has been moisturized with lavender-scented hand cream? Can you feel your muscles unclenching already? Do you even feel like bawling a little? Totes okay, it’s a natural reaction!

Unforch, limited space prevents me from listing more escapism. But hopefully this will inspire your imagination to bubble over with its own airy fantasies! And maybe if more and more people retreat into their own inner worlds instead of watching trash, Hollywood will take notice and respond. For all its cluelessness, it does heed audience tastes. Wouldn’t Edible Town make a great show?

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