adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Essay Contest Results

This is the column in which I was going to announce the winners of the 97th annual Onion Young Patriot Essay Contest, but none of the entries was deserving of a prize. The Onion received only four essays concerning this year's topic, "What Our Great Republic Means To Me," and the lack of care with which they were written is appalling. The finest of the four, if it could be called such, was written by 11-year-old Josh Dorman of Valdosta, Geo., and reads as follows:

U.S.A. rules! Go Braves! Yankees suk! Do I get first prise now?

You most certainly do not, Josh Dorman of Valdosta, Geo.! The only prize a churlish young whelp like you should get is a good hiding! The other three essays were even worse, filled with misspellings, grammatical errors and poor logic. One of them was merely a bug crushed on a piece of paper!

The Young Patriot Essay Contest will be discontinued due to the indolence and torpor of the modern youth. Instead of stealing penny sweet-meats from the local mercantilist or whiling away the hours listening to recordings of voices, these idle hooligans should be home sewing samplers by candle-light or slaving in the textile mills.

It saddens me to see this proud contest fall into oblivion, for it was once a very important event for American school-children. The Onion offices were once flooded with entries, and it would take months for us to read them all and decide who was most deserving of the coveted grand-prize, a sack of corn-meal. Yes, it was a simpler time, and people had more faith in their betters in government and business alike.

I remember the best essay we ever received. In 1910, answering the question "What Is The Greatest Thing About Our Great Republic?" a young Jewish immigrant told of how his family had endured pogroms in his home-land of Russia, and how they barely escaped with their lives. Settling in the Lower East Side slums of New-York City, his family made six cents a week weaving pot-holders. You would think this would be gratification enough, but the boy said that the greatest thing about America was that it was the place where he had the best chance to grow up and become just like his idol, T. Herman Zweibel.

God bless the boy! I shall remember his kind words always. However, since I was and have always been opposed to immigration, I pulled a few strings at the Bureau of Immigration & Naturalization and had him and his family deported back to Russia on false subversion charges.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close