adBlockCheck

Essay Contest Results

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Essay Contest Results

This is the column in which I was going to announce the winners of the 97th annual Onion Young Patriot Essay Contest, but none of the entries was deserving of a prize. The Onion received only four essays concerning this year's topic, "What Our Great Republic Means To Me," and the lack of care with which they were written is appalling. The finest of the four, if it could be called such, was written by 11-year-old Josh Dorman of Valdosta, Geo., and reads as follows:

U.S.A. rules! Go Braves! Yankees suk! Do I get first prise now?

You most certainly do not, Josh Dorman of Valdosta, Geo.! The only prize a churlish young whelp like you should get is a good hiding! The other three essays were even worse, filled with misspellings, grammatical errors and poor logic. One of them was merely a bug crushed on a piece of paper!

The Young Patriot Essay Contest will be discontinued due to the indolence and torpor of the modern youth. Instead of stealing penny sweet-meats from the local mercantilist or whiling away the hours listening to recordings of voices, these idle hooligans should be home sewing samplers by candle-light or slaving in the textile mills.

It saddens me to see this proud contest fall into oblivion, for it was once a very important event for American school-children. The Onion offices were once flooded with entries, and it would take months for us to read them all and decide who was most deserving of the coveted grand-prize, a sack of corn-meal. Yes, it was a simpler time, and people had more faith in their betters in government and business alike.

I remember the best essay we ever received. In 1910, answering the question "What Is The Greatest Thing About Our Great Republic?" a young Jewish immigrant told of how his family had endured pogroms in his home-land of Russia, and how they barely escaped with their lives. Settling in the Lower East Side slums of New-York City, his family made six cents a week weaving pot-holders. You would think this would be gratification enough, but the boy said that the greatest thing about America was that it was the place where he had the best chance to grow up and become just like his idol, T. Herman Zweibel.

God bless the boy! I shall remember his kind words always. However, since I was and have always been opposed to immigration, I pulled a few strings at the Bureau of Immigration & Naturalization and had him and his family deported back to Russia on false subversion charges.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close