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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Even Annoying Twentysomething Shits Like Me Deserve To Have A Future

While the Declaration of Independence guarantees each of us the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, today's economic uncertainty has kept those sacred rights out of reach for many of our newest college graduates. Not long ago, all Americans, regardless of how young and unbearably irritating they were, could count on having a chance to make a good lives for themselves.

Everyone—even people like me, a twentysomething piece of shit who has contributed nothing to society yet expects everything to be handed to him anyway—deserves a shot at a decent future. 

If this truly is the land of opportunity, shouldn't America's promise extend also to the most worthless of human beings who continue to live on their parents' dime two years after college? It seems as though this nation has forgotten about the parasitic, self-involved young assholes who believe jobs starting at $42,000 a year with benefits are their birthright. What about us? What about all the smug, over­educated pricks out there still asking Mom and Dad to pay off a credit-card invoice filled with $4 purchases of bubble tea?

When do we get our turn?

It's true, my own actions may have earned me nothing more than the right to have this toothy, shit-eating smile punched off my face, but that doesn't make me a second-class citizen. I believe I speak for every whiny, inexperienced half-wit of my generation when I say that we too want our piece of the American Dream, even if it means pushing out some sad 54-year-old fuck who hasn't taken a day off in over four years.

This is still America, right? God, I'm a piece of shit.

Look, I realize I'm just another wide-eyed twat whose concept of hard work comes from the lone summer he spent behind a cash register at Home Depot, but that shouldn't disqualify me from living the life I want. I'll never have to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, or worry about my parents missing a payment on the fully furnished condominium apartment I believe I'm entitled to. But nonetheless, I, like all immature, narcissistic dicks my age, are due the same rights as everyone else.

My parents worked hard to pay $150,000 for my prestigious private-college education, and what do I have to show for it? Yes, I'm part of a generation that has taught me to earnestly expect that I will some day be awarded a lucrative book or television deal based on my asinine Tumblr account, but in the meantime, I shouldn't be denied the same privileges that have been unaccountably granted to young American fuckups for years.

There was a time in this country when an overconfident fuckhead like me could graduate and skate right into a job he didn't deserve. I suppose all I'm asking for is the same basic employment opportunities that I, too, lack the experience and responsibility to handle.

Let me put it this way: Do you really want to live in a country that denies a future to completely unbearable little cocksuckers who have never learned any sort of humility whatsoever?

In this great nation of ours, it shouldn't matter how many excruciating recommendation letters are sent to potential employers as a favor to my parents, or how often during job interviews I discuss at embarrassing length current events about which I have absolutely nothing interesting to say. It's still my life to live.

And I firmly believe it is unconscionable that I may never get the same chances in this life I would never be generous enough to grant to anyone else.

At the end of the day, I'm one of those guys who was born on third base and thinks he hit a triple, and nothing's going to change that. You can put me down for my dearth of any discernible talent or skill whatsoever, but you simply cannot deny the inevitable fact that I am the future. 

Also, you can't honestly expect for me to wait until my parents die to become a millionaire. 

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