adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Even Annoying Twentysomething Shits Like Me Deserve To Have A Future

While the Declaration of Independence guarantees each of us the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, today's economic uncertainty has kept those sacred rights out of reach for many of our newest college graduates. Not long ago, all Americans, regardless of how young and unbearably irritating they were, could count on having a chance to make a good lives for themselves.

Everyone—even people like me, a twentysomething piece of shit who has contributed nothing to society yet expects everything to be handed to him anyway—deserves a shot at a decent future. 

If this truly is the land of opportunity, shouldn't America's promise extend also to the most worthless of human beings who continue to live on their parents' dime two years after college? It seems as though this nation has forgotten about the parasitic, self-involved young assholes who believe jobs starting at $42,000 a year with benefits are their birthright. What about us? What about all the smug, over­educated pricks out there still asking Mom and Dad to pay off a credit-card invoice filled with $4 purchases of bubble tea?

When do we get our turn?

It's true, my own actions may have earned me nothing more than the right to have this toothy, shit-eating smile punched off my face, but that doesn't make me a second-class citizen. I believe I speak for every whiny, inexperienced half-wit of my generation when I say that we too want our piece of the American Dream, even if it means pushing out some sad 54-year-old fuck who hasn't taken a day off in over four years.

This is still America, right? God, I'm a piece of shit.

Look, I realize I'm just another wide-eyed twat whose concept of hard work comes from the lone summer he spent behind a cash register at Home Depot, but that shouldn't disqualify me from living the life I want. I'll never have to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, or worry about my parents missing a payment on the fully furnished condominium apartment I believe I'm entitled to. But nonetheless, I, like all immature, narcissistic dicks my age, are due the same rights as everyone else.

My parents worked hard to pay $150,000 for my prestigious private-college education, and what do I have to show for it? Yes, I'm part of a generation that has taught me to earnestly expect that I will some day be awarded a lucrative book or television deal based on my asinine Tumblr account, but in the meantime, I shouldn't be denied the same privileges that have been unaccountably granted to young American fuckups for years.

There was a time in this country when an overconfident fuckhead like me could graduate and skate right into a job he didn't deserve. I suppose all I'm asking for is the same basic employment opportunities that I, too, lack the experience and responsibility to handle.

Let me put it this way: Do you really want to live in a country that denies a future to completely unbearable little cocksuckers who have never learned any sort of humility whatsoever?

In this great nation of ours, it shouldn't matter how many excruciating recommendation letters are sent to potential employers as a favor to my parents, or how often during job interviews I discuss at embarrassing length current events about which I have absolutely nothing interesting to say. It's still my life to live.

And I firmly believe it is unconscionable that I may never get the same chances in this life I would never be generous enough to grant to anyone else.

At the end of the day, I'm one of those guys who was born on third base and thinks he hit a triple, and nothing's going to change that. You can put me down for my dearth of any discernible talent or skill whatsoever, but you simply cannot deny the inevitable fact that I am the future. 

Also, you can't honestly expect for me to wait until my parents die to become a millionaire. 

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close