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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Everybody On Television Needs To Stop Talking So Loud

I'm going to get right to the point, because hemming and hawing and being polite has gotten me nowhere. The people on television need to stop shouting at the tops of their lungs and start talking at a much lower volume. It's that simple. I've asked them to quiet down over and over for the past 15 years, but they don't listen to me. They probably can't even hear me over all their yelling.

Why do they think they need to talk so loud? I'm sitting right here on the couch three feet away! There's no need to shout. I'm not deaf. Just talk to me in a normal tone of voice like I'm a normal human being. That's the way I talk to people—at a nice, respectful level. Ask anyone if Bob Denino shouts at folks when they're directly in front of his face and they'll tell you that he doesn't do that.

Even as I'm writing this, they're shouting. Yak yak yak. There's just no stopping them. SHUT UP! STOP YELLING! PLEASE STOP ALL YOUR YELLING! They're still going.

My neighbors are always complaining, telling me to keep it down and to knock off the racket. Me? It's the people on TV making all the noise! My neighbors have televisions. They know what the people on there are like. Screaming all day and all night. They just never—hold on one sec…. Pipe down in there! You're going to wake up the whole block! These people, I swear. You can't be rational with them.

I wish there were a way to make them talk a few decibels softer. I've done everything I possibly can. I've shushed them, I've threatened to call the police, I even picked up the remote control one day and threw it at the television screen. They just kept right on yapping.

It's not like I'm some 85-year-old man with big old hearing aids—I hear fine. Sure, I miss a word or two when I'm on the phone trying to order food, but it's because the people on the television are talking so loud that I can't even hear myself speak. Don't they know it's rude to shout while somebody's on the phone? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT?! They're not listening. They never listen.

There's no way to escape their constant yelling, either. I got people on TV screaming at me in the kitchen, in the living room, in the bedroom, every room in the house. All talking at once, usually not even about the same thing. They just love to hear the sound of their own voices, and all that noise basically makes this place unlivable. I've lived here since 1993, and I have not had one moment of peace and quiet. I can never get any work done. I get headaches all the time. I'd go down to the basement, but there's nothing to do down there. No TV, no nothing.

What's worse, I'm pretty sure they just keep on yelling even when I'm not here. I can hear them talking from outside my front door when I come home from work, and when I walk in, they're already in the middle of a shouting match. Are they insane? Who the heck are they talking to?

I'm sad to say it, but sometimes I stoop to their level and sit right in front of the television and start shouting for hours and hours right back at them. I'll bash pots and pans like that one woman who screams at me from her kitchen. I'll mock that inquisitive, but very loud Charlie guy by repeating his questions in a mocking tone. And I'll bang on the piano keys in my living room to drown out the bald man with sunglasses who plays his keyboards really loud at 11:30 at night. Eleven-thirty at night, for cripe's sake! Some people are trying to get to sleep!

I'll tell you what, if these people don't quiet down soon, I think I'm going to lose it.

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