Everybody's Swinging, Daddy-O!

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Vol 34 Issue 09

CBS: L.A. Doctors Not Some Kind Of Joke

NEW YORK—CBS programming executives reiterated their insistence Monday that the network's new medical drama L.A. Doctors is not some kind of joke. "We are putting out a show called L.A. Doctors and are doing so with no humorous intent," CBS president Leslie Moonves said. "Each week, the triumphs and tribulations of a group of attractive young Los Angeles doctors will be sincerely dramatized on this not-a-joke program." CBS is rolling out a high-profile promo campaign for L.A. Doctors featuring the slogan, "We Are Honestly Not Kidding About This Show."

Area Man Expected To Work With These Incompetents

HOUSTON—Morton Schuitt, a distribution supervisor with DataTech Enterprises, is expected to work with these incompetents, it was learned Monday. "Can you believe the people I have to work with here?" the incredulous Schuitt said. "They can barely tie their own shoes, much less stick to a monthly distribution schedule." Sources indicate that for the money Schuitt is getting for what he has to put up with, it is a miracle he didn't leave DataTech long ago.

Wacky Forensics Investigation Turns Autopsy-Turvy

DETROIT—A forensics examination turned autopsy-turvy Tuesday, when Wayne County coroner Ben Frisch accidentally switched a pair of corpses. As a result of the wacky mix-up, the death of 22-year-old gunshot victim Andre Watts was determined to be a stab wound to the aortic valve, while the cause of death for 47-year-old stabbing victim Bill Lewiston was listed as "gunshot wound, left temple." "Yikes!" said the screwball coroner upon discovering his zany mistake. "Looks like I really goofed this time."

Husband Pretty Sure He Hooked Up Gas Stove Correctly

BAKERSFIELD, CA—Area husband Dan Zollner is "almost positive" that the Hotpoint gas stove he recently purchased is hooked up correctly. "Don't worry, honey, I'm 99.9 percent sure I did it right," Zollner told wife Diane after the fourth installation attempt. "I don't even hear that hissing sound in the back anymore. All the gas seems to be getting into the stove where it belongs." Zollner said he is "real proud" that he was able to hook up the stove without any assistance.

Dying Mastermind Pulls Red Lever

LIBERTY CITY—With his last ounce of strength, dying evil genius Dr. Mordred pulled a red lever Monday, activating his diabolical Ragnarok Device and spelling certain doom for humanity. According to witnesses, moments after Mordred pulled the lever, red siren lights and honking klaxons went off, indicating to the people of Earth that their fate is sealed and that there is nothing they can do about it. The Ragnarok Device will emit Megatronic Sonic-Disruptor Waves into the Earth's core in less than five hours, causing the planet to explode, unless Captain Alpha can be contacted in time.

Russia's Woes?

Russia is currently in the grips of the worst economic and political turmoil it has seen since the breakup of the Soviet Union. What do you think about the woeful state of our former enemy?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Everybody's Swinging, Daddy-O!

Item! All across America, kids are putting on their Zoot Suits and lining up around the block to swing dance again! Sparked by the smash-hit Gap ad, the swing craze is really taking off! In fact, so many people are doing the "Lindberg Hop," the "Shoe-Buckle Shake" and the "Over The River And Through The Woods," it's like it's 1943 all over again! Hey, is that Adolf Hitler over there cutting a rug with Eva Braun? I think it is!

Item! So popular was the soundtrack to the movie Snake Eyes, they've released a follow-up album, Back To Snake Eyes. Word is, it's packed with all the parts of the moving score to the film that couldn't fit onto the first triple-platinum album. I don't know about you, but I'm headed to Record Town right now!

On a sadder note, a fond farewell to Flo Jo, who was taken from us all too soon. Flo, your sass and charm, not to mention your trademark catchphrase, "Kiss my grits," will not soon be forgotten.

Did you know that they still make Pepsi? Yep, and it's as tasty as ever!

Item! Not only does Cindy Crawford have a racy new show called Sex With Cindy Crawford, but she also just got married! Yes, according to my ever-reliable sources, the leggy supermodel walked down the aisle with some lucky fella in her hometown of Decatur, Illinois. Since her dad wasn't around, Cindy was given away by none other than the original "playboy" himself, Hugh Hefner! The real scandal, though, was that Cindy wore white, despite her previous marriage to Richard Gere. Well, let me tell you, if anyone deserves to have a stunning white wedding, it's the fabulous Cindy C. Congratulations, and may you enjoy several years of wedded bliss together!

I'm not normally a big sports fan, but that home-run race really got me hooked! It truly went right down to the wire between super-slugger Mark McGwire and that Spanish guy.

People write in wanting to know what kind of music I like. Well, suffice it to say, I like a little bit of everything. Lately, though, I've been listening to a lot of Steely Dan. No one can write a ballad that makes me all nostalgic like he can. Except for maybe The Captain & Tennille. Together, they're a knock-out combo!

I just saw that South Park for the first time, and it's every bit as controversial as I'd heard. Boy, the stuff they put on TV these days!

Item! Time magazine turned 50 recently. That's right, 50 years ago, the first issue of Time magazine, all the news you need to know, hit the street. And you would not believe the celebrity turnout for the 50th anniversary bash. Sharon Stone, Jonas Salk, Muhammad Ali, Cuba Gooding Jr.... the list goes on and on! There probably haven't been that many stars in one place since the Big Bang!

Item! Congratulations to new mother Jodie Foster, who recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. But the big question is, who's the father? Rumor has it it's legendary director John Waters, but no one knows for sure.

If you look up fat-but-talented actor in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of John Goodman. Probably Chris Farley, too, but he's dead.

Speaking of Chris Farley, a little bird tells me that we can soon expect to see a movie version of yet another beloved Saturday Night Live sketch. Which one? If you guessed Dana Carver's Church Lady sketch, you're right on the money! Come next summer, "Now, isn't that special?" will be echoing from movie theaters across the country—and not a moment too soon. After all, this country sure could use a good laugh, what with this whole crazy political scandal in Washington. Dana Carver and the Church Lady will be the perfect antidote for what ails this great nation. And, if we're lucky, the Church Lady movie will have a cameo by those gut-busting Aryan weightlifters Hans and Franz. They're going to pump up... your laugh quotient!

Did you happen to catch People magazine's 1998 Best-Dressed List? All in all, some pretty good selections, including the always-glamorous Minnie Driver, but where was gorgeous Helen Hunt? And while we're at it, where was Will Smith? Come on, folks!

Item! Many people know that the Internet is good for getting information about Star Trek and pie recipes. But did you know that it's also good for getting gossip about movies? There are a number of good people out there raking the muck in Hollywood. The best one, without a doubt, is Harry Knowles, the man behind the "site" That's Hollywood! Knowing how hush-hush Hollywood is, one has to wonder how he gets all his information. Well, rather than try to get confirmation from people who would just deny the news anyway, Harry shoots the news right to us as soon as he gets it. That way, we know the dish almost as soon as he does! What an asset! You can rest assured, though, that I'll still rely on my own sources and not just tell you the same things he does.

If you're anything like me, you can't wait for the debut of the runaway hit show Felicity. It's all about the trials and tribulations of a young woman trying to make it in this world, only it's actually told from her own perspective. All I can say is, it's about time!

Well, I'm afraid that's all the room I have for this week. I know, I know, I've barely scratched the surface. But you can rest assured that I'll have plenty more juicy Tinseltown tidbits for you next time. In the meantime, thank your lucky stars that we live in the best country in the world, America! And you can also thank your lucky stars that we have the greatest dream factory around, Hollywood!

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