adBlockCheck

Recent News

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.
End Of Section
  • More News

Exiled!

Cast into the wilderness for nearly a month now, destitute, hungry and ragged, a man without a home or a name. Hated! Despised! Rejected! Exiled!

Even my faithful man-servant Standish, who has been my sole companion and wheel-chair-puller during my arduous exodus, is not above forsaking his wretched master. Once, as we huddled around the camp-fire, assessing our meagre rations, Standish broke down and, in a manner quite unlike him, tearfully admitted that, on the day previous, he imagined me to be a chicken, albeit an old and desiccated chicken, and attempted to slaughter me with a hatchet as I slept. But a sudden wave of conscience over-took him, and he let the hatchet drop. I was shocked by Standish's display of emotion but decided to show him mercy. "You have been through hell and back, as have I," I said. "I will let you off easy with a mere 7 percent reduction in your wages. But don't think I shall ever forget your thoughts of betrayal, you murderous turn-coat!"

We sojourned for days across the Great Eastern Range, buzzards flying over-head. Almost out of the staples given to us by the Boy-Scouts, we believed our-selves finally done for. Finding our-selves near the top of a ridge, I commanded Standish to hollow out my grave in the hard dirt, after which he could crawl some-where into the brush and expire quietly. But before I could finish, Standish leapt up and gesticulated wildly at an area beyond the ridge. "A town, sir, a town!" he exclaimed.

"A fat lot of good that does us," I said. "That jerk-water burg is probably oozing with constables, ready to clap us into irons on sight."

"It is better than death, sir," Standish said. "And it seems to feature considerable amenities. From here I can spot a motor-court and a used-car proprietor-ship. And look—a Burger-King franchise!"

Burger-King? Where had I heard this name before? Then I remembered: He is the famed plenipotentiary of meat, much beloved across the Republic. I ordered Standish to fetch me the amplified-sight glasses so that I could get a better look at this town. Sure enough, the Burger-King's embassy lay right in the town thorough-fare, beckoning all with its enormous, shiny, revolving coat-of-arms.

It took hours, but we finally made our way to the center of the town. We entered the Burger-King embassy, and I threw my-self at the feet of the courtiers and diplomats in-side, begging for political asylum and a possible audience with the great and benevolent Burger-King.

More from this section

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close