Exiled!

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How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:

Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Satisfaction

Exiled!

Cast into the wilderness for nearly a month now, destitute, hungry and ragged, a man without a home or a name. Hated! Despised! Rejected! Exiled!

Even my faithful man-servant Standish, who has been my sole companion and wheel-chair-puller during my arduous exodus, is not above forsaking his wretched master. Once, as we huddled around the camp-fire, assessing our meagre rations, Standish broke down and, in a manner quite unlike him, tearfully admitted that, on the day previous, he imagined me to be a chicken, albeit an old and desiccated chicken, and attempted to slaughter me with a hatchet as I slept. But a sudden wave of conscience over-took him, and he let the hatchet drop. I was shocked by Standish's display of emotion but decided to show him mercy. "You have been through hell and back, as have I," I said. "I will let you off easy with a mere 7 percent reduction in your wages. But don't think I shall ever forget your thoughts of betrayal, you murderous turn-coat!"

We sojourned for days across the Great Eastern Range, buzzards flying over-head. Almost out of the staples given to us by the Boy-Scouts, we believed our-selves finally done for. Finding our-selves near the top of a ridge, I commanded Standish to hollow out my grave in the hard dirt, after which he could crawl some-where into the brush and expire quietly. But before I could finish, Standish leapt up and gesticulated wildly at an area beyond the ridge. "A town, sir, a town!" he exclaimed.

"A fat lot of good that does us," I said. "That jerk-water burg is probably oozing with constables, ready to clap us into irons on sight."

"It is better than death, sir," Standish said. "And it seems to feature considerable amenities. From here I can spot a motor-court and a used-car proprietor-ship. And look—a Burger-King franchise!"

Burger-King? Where had I heard this name before? Then I remembered: He is the famed plenipotentiary of meat, much beloved across the Republic. I ordered Standish to fetch me the amplified-sight glasses so that I could get a better look at this town. Sure enough, the Burger-King's embassy lay right in the town thorough-fare, beckoning all with its enormous, shiny, revolving coat-of-arms.

It took hours, but we finally made our way to the center of the town. We entered the Burger-King embassy, and I threw my-self at the feet of the courtiers and diplomats in-side, begging for political asylum and a possible audience with the great and benevolent Burger-King.