Fabulous Trash

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Fabulous Trash

Hmm...let's see how I'm doing on the New Year's resolutions so far:

Well, I'm proud to say that I've stayed true and haven't had a single slice of pizza. (I have, however, eaten a couple cheeseburgers, and more than my share of doughnuts!)

When I vacuum, I've been making sure to pick up the dirt and dust and cat hair around the edges of the carpet where the wall meets the floor. I was overlooking that and things were starting to look pretty hairy! :)

And what about my third resolution, to get back into the workforce by April? I wouldn't be upset if you Jeanketeers thought that I bombed out on that one. After all, it does seem like a pretty ambitious goal. Well, guess what: Not only am I employed, I'm doing something I love!

I've been helping my buddy Fulgencio run his stall at the Riverside Indoor Flea Market for a little over a month now. Isn't that terrific? Flea markets and Jean Teasdale go together like Mork and Mindy! I was excited enough when the Riverside Indoor Flea Market opened its doors last October, but if you had told me then I'd actually be working there, I would have hated you for toying with my emotions like that. I would have hated you very much.

Anyhow, Fulgencio finally quit his data- entry job at stupid South Central Insurance to finally chase his twin dreams of fashion design and antiques dealing. He's a real go-getter, that one: When he's not working on costumes for who I call his "dress-up friends," he's on eBay selling antiques he's picked up at garage sales. Not long after the indoor flea market opened, he started renting a stall to sell off his less valuable stuff, like toys and china and old magazines, paperbacks, and videotapes. And guess who he put in charge?

"Girl, lift that big booty of yours off that sofa, and put it down on a folding chair at the flea market," Fulgencio said. "I can't think of nobody better to run my stall. I seen you work it at your Santa store last year, dressed up like some crazy-ass paper snowball, and I know you can do this!" I can't tell you how wonderful that made me feel.

Fulgencio promised me $20 a day plus 10 percent of each sale. So if somebody buys 12 bucks worth of knickknacks and some back issues of Modern Bride, I get $1.20. That might not seem like a lot, but if we get a bunch of paying customers, I could be looking at $30 a day, maybe. Times that by six (the flea market's closed on Mondays) and I could be bringing home $180 a week.

Fulgencio calls his stall "¡Basura Fabulosa!" which means (get this) "Fabulous Trash!" in Spanish. Even the sign he made for it is creative: He took thick Styrofoam and fashioned letters out of it, then stretched this spangly fabric over the Styrofoam and hung each letter on these wall-length metal grids we use to hang old pictures and stuff.

Aside from unloading and packing up the stuff, there's hardly any work involved. Fulgencio picks out the stuff he wants to sell, we load it up in my car, and off we run. Fulgencio helps me set up, then leaves, and I'm on my own for the next six hours. Another fantastic perk: Except for weekends, which tend to be bustling, the joint is practically dead. That gives me ample opportunity to read Modern Bride and explore this big treasure house. One stall sells nothing but distressed weather vanes, another sells doll heads (I'm still not sure whether that's adorable or creepy), and one lady vends fudge and Turkish delight. (Question: Is Turkish delight supposed to taste gritty?)

Best of all, though, the slow weekdays give me the opportunity to get my pom-pom critters craft-making back in full force! Oh, I never surrendered that dream, Jeanketeers, only deferred it. I set up a separate table for my hot-glue gun and pom-poms and googly eyes. No one's bought any, yet, but I won't stop making them until I have a whole army of them.

There's been complications, though: One afternoon Fulgencio dropped in unexpectedly and discovered me working on them, and suddenly his brows knitted and his normally fluttery voice lowered an octave or two. He said that his stall was for his stuff only, and that he was paying me to work for him, and if I wanted to sell my pom-pom critters, I'd have to fork over half of his stall rent. He had never spoken like that to me before. It kind of reminded me of Ricky Ricardo when he got mad at Lucy. I was actually a little scared. I really hope that Fulgencio doesn't become like every one of my past supervisors, or worse, one of those coldhearted CEOs who only think about profits.

But for now, I'm grateful to Fulgencio for giving me this job. I could stay indoors all day and watch Golden Girls reruns, or I could stay indoors all day and work at this amazing flea market. I still get to be indoors, and Golden Girls reruns air in the evening, too.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close