Fabulous Trash

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Fabulous Trash

Hmm...let's see how I'm doing on the New Year's resolutions so far:

Well, I'm proud to say that I've stayed true and haven't had a single slice of pizza. (I have, however, eaten a couple cheeseburgers, and more than my share of doughnuts!)

When I vacuum, I've been making sure to pick up the dirt and dust and cat hair around the edges of the carpet where the wall meets the floor. I was overlooking that and things were starting to look pretty hairy! :)

And what about my third resolution, to get back into the workforce by April? I wouldn't be upset if you Jeanketeers thought that I bombed out on that one. After all, it does seem like a pretty ambitious goal. Well, guess what: Not only am I employed, I'm doing something I love!

I've been helping my buddy Fulgencio run his stall at the Riverside Indoor Flea Market for a little over a month now. Isn't that terrific? Flea markets and Jean Teasdale go together like Mork and Mindy! I was excited enough when the Riverside Indoor Flea Market opened its doors last October, but if you had told me then I'd actually be working there, I would have hated you for toying with my emotions like that. I would have hated you very much.

Anyhow, Fulgencio finally quit his data- entry job at stupid South Central Insurance to finally chase his twin dreams of fashion design and antiques dealing. He's a real go-getter, that one: When he's not working on costumes for who I call his "dress-up friends," he's on eBay selling antiques he's picked up at garage sales. Not long after the indoor flea market opened, he started renting a stall to sell off his less valuable stuff, like toys and china and old magazines, paperbacks, and videotapes. And guess who he put in charge?

"Girl, lift that big booty of yours off that sofa, and put it down on a folding chair at the flea market," Fulgencio said. "I can't think of nobody better to run my stall. I seen you work it at your Santa store last year, dressed up like some crazy-ass paper snowball, and I know you can do this!" I can't tell you how wonderful that made me feel.

Fulgencio promised me $20 a day plus 10 percent of each sale. So if somebody buys 12 bucks worth of knickknacks and some back issues of Modern Bride, I get $1.20. That might not seem like a lot, but if we get a bunch of paying customers, I could be looking at $30 a day, maybe. Times that by six (the flea market's closed on Mondays) and I could be bringing home $180 a week.

Fulgencio calls his stall "¡Basura Fabulosa!" which means (get this) "Fabulous Trash!" in Spanish. Even the sign he made for it is creative: He took thick Styrofoam and fashioned letters out of it, then stretched this spangly fabric over the Styrofoam and hung each letter on these wall-length metal grids we use to hang old pictures and stuff.

Aside from unloading and packing up the stuff, there's hardly any work involved. Fulgencio picks out the stuff he wants to sell, we load it up in my car, and off we run. Fulgencio helps me set up, then leaves, and I'm on my own for the next six hours. Another fantastic perk: Except for weekends, which tend to be bustling, the joint is practically dead. That gives me ample opportunity to read Modern Bride and explore this big treasure house. One stall sells nothing but distressed weather vanes, another sells doll heads (I'm still not sure whether that's adorable or creepy), and one lady vends fudge and Turkish delight. (Question: Is Turkish delight supposed to taste gritty?)

Best of all, though, the slow weekdays give me the opportunity to get my pom-pom critters craft-making back in full force! Oh, I never surrendered that dream, Jeanketeers, only deferred it. I set up a separate table for my hot-glue gun and pom-poms and googly eyes. No one's bought any, yet, but I won't stop making them until I have a whole army of them.

There's been complications, though: One afternoon Fulgencio dropped in unexpectedly and discovered me working on them, and suddenly his brows knitted and his normally fluttery voice lowered an octave or two. He said that his stall was for his stuff only, and that he was paying me to work for him, and if I wanted to sell my pom-pom critters, I'd have to fork over half of his stall rent. He had never spoken like that to me before. It kind of reminded me of Ricky Ricardo when he got mad at Lucy. I was actually a little scared. I really hope that Fulgencio doesn't become like every one of my past supervisors, or worse, one of those coldhearted CEOs who only think about profits.

But for now, I'm grateful to Fulgencio for giving me this job. I could stay indoors all day and watch Golden Girls reruns, or I could stay indoors all day and work at this amazing flea market. I still get to be indoors, and Golden Girls reruns air in the evening, too.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close