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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Fiscally I'm A Right-Wing Nutjob, But On Social Issues I'm Fucking Insanely Liberal

The world is a complicated place, and in this day and age, you just can't expect a person to fall on the same political side of every issue he is confronted with. Things are more nuanced than that, and the average American might think one way about one topic, and a completely different way about another. For instance, when it comes to fiscal issues, I consider myself to be a rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth, right-wing lunatic. But on the social front, I'm a completely out-of-his-mind, wacked-out liberal loon.

It's all about striking a balance, really.

Take finances. It is my opinion that all taxes whatsoever should be abolished, and that everything relating to money in any way should be privatized, including the minting of coinage. Thus, each American should have his own system of currency and his own bank named after him to maintain that currency, and anyone whose personal currency system fails in the unfettered free market should be left to die bleeding and penniless in the street, with his family crying helplessly at his side. Also, corporations should be able to buy whatever and whomever they want, and at the end of every year the richest and most powerful corporation should be allowed to physically demolish 15 other corporations that it wishes to see destroyed, murdering all of the various employees of said corporations in any way it sees fit. I guess you could say I'm a fucking nutcase conservative when it comes to this kind of stuff, but I do believe it's an ideology that has its limits.

For example, when it comes to a social issue like gay rights, my opinion is that gays and lesbians should be afforded extra rights under the law, as I believe they are descended from an immortal race of beings whom we must revere as the ancient Sumerians would have revered their god An. All Americans should spend four hours of every workday erecting elaborate temples in which to worship our omnipotent homosexual overlords, and we all must sacrifice ourselves willingly upon the altar of the gay and lesbian community, everyone of us, including children, who, by the way, I think should be eligible to drink, drive, and vote from age four on up.

However, if those same children get sick, then I believe it is their sole responsibility to pay for their own health care. Children should not be coddled with the support of their parents' hard-earned money, and it's up to them to finance multimillion-dollar procedures with their own pluck and determination. And children who can't handle that should be thrown immediately into debtor's prison, performing menial tasks until they have paid back their debt to society and are once again ready to participate in our robust free-market economy. But at the same time, we must make sure that whatever prison they are sent to has plasma-screen TVs and Wi-Fi in every cell, and that the inmates are encouraged, by highly paid professional psychologists, to express their feelings in improv role-playing classes and short-fiction workshops. Because if I even suspect that prisoners are receiving anything less than top-shelf treatment, I'll be the first to show up with a picket sign marching for their rights. Rapists and murderers are people, too—just as cats and dogs are.

And how do I know I'll be the first to arrive at that picket line? Well, I'll have a special pass providing me with access to an elite, privatized system of roads. Yes, I believe roads should be privatized—as should fire departments, law enforcement, and basic water and sewer infrastructure. But I also believe the traditional "nuclear" family is an inadequate social safety net, and that every baby born should be raised by at least 14 people, including at least four gay men and/or lesbians. And Marxism should be taught in schools. But there should be no public schools. And everyone should be required by law to participate in women's empowerment seminars. But the heavily armed stormtroopers enforcing this law should be independent contractors. Down with the fat cats living high off government subsidies! Hands off my individualized, personal Larry-dollars! And also, hands off my uterus. Just because I'm a "man" doesn't mean I can't have a uterus. (Everyone knows so-called "normative" gender differentiations are merely a construct of the Oppressor Hegemony.)

And don't even get me started on public transportation.

So, in conclusion: the African-American community will never receive justice until there is an armed insurrection against Whitey in the streets, Pepsi-Cola should run our government, the elderly are our greatest national resource except for child labor, which I support, slavery should be legalized, as well as rape, and if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen! It's not the government's job to pamper you and hold your hand unless you want funding for a massive public arts project that involves a giant pile of human feces shaped like the American flag, in which case nothing should stand in the way of your First Amendment rights.

I only wish there were more people out there as open-minded as I am.

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