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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.

Trump Gives Intelligence Agencies Their Daily Briefing

NEW YORK—Sitting down with top officials from the CIA, FBI, and Defense Intelligence Agency in a Trump Tower conference room, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly gave U.S. intelligence agencies their daily briefing Tuesday morning.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Folks, We Don't Usually Do This On The White House Tour, But Let's Go Tickle The President

And so that’s the Vermeil Room, ladies and gentlemen. Wasn’t that tableware just spectacular? Now, we’ve just about reached the halfway mark of our official White House tour, but don’t worry, there’s still a lot left to see. Between the Green Room, the Red Room, the Blue Room, and the East Room, we’ve got some of the White House’s most sumptuous interiors ahead of us. However, before we move on to the next room, I thought you folks might enjoy something very special today. Now, this isn’t something we usually do on these tours, but folks, what do ya say we go tickle the president?

Sound good? Okay, follow me right this way, ladies and gentlemen, and we’ll catch the President of the United States completely unawares and give him the ol’ tickle treatment. Boy, you folks are really in for a treat today.

If you’ll kindly step over the velvet rope and through this back doorway, we’ll continue on to the West Wing corridor. Be very quiet now. As you all know, this leads to the Oval Office and the president’s private study, where he can often be found working quietly away from the public eye. That’s where we’ll burst in, tackle him to the ground, overpower him with physical force, and tickle him under his arms.

Once again, I just want to reiterate at this juncture that kicking open the door to the president’s private office, throwing him to the ground, stifling his screams, and tickling him senseless isn’t something we usually do on White House tours. In fact, I don’t think it’s ever been done before. But you know what? I like you guys. You guys are a great group, and why not make this wonderful tour even more special, am I right?

Oh, and you two in the back? You’re the two biggest, so I’m going to need you to volunteer to hold the president’s arms because he’s probably going to start flailing around pretty bad.

Now, if you’ll all do me the honor of crouching down here and following me through the door on the left, we’ll be almost inside the Oval Office. Let’s try to use our whisper voices from here on out, okay? Great. Once we’re inside the Oval Office, assuming we’re not taken down by Secret Service first, we’re going to need to bolt the door firmly behind us. Uh, miss? In the red sweater? Would you be willing to do that for us? Thank you so much.

Also, when we enter the room, note the antique Resolute desk the president will be sitting behind. It was a gift to former president Rutherford B. Hayes from Queen Victoria herself!

One more thing: Folks, before we charge into the Oval Office, seal all exits, wrestle the president to the ground, and tickle him until such time as he is rescued, I just want to remind you all not to be discouraged if he doesn’t laugh at first, or in fact seems highly alarmed and completely unamused. Remember, the president is, as you can imagine, a very busy man, and we’ll be breaking into an area completely off-limits to the public, pinning him down, and repeatedly rubbing sensitive parts of his body, so he likely won’t be able to warmly greet each one of you individually. In fact, he will likely be trying to physically ward you off in a fit of panic and terror.

But don’t let that stop you all from tickling him with all your might! Seriously, folks, do not stop tickling him until such time as you are forcibly removed from him or shot. Those who make it out of the room alive are welcome to escape into the Rose Garden where you will almost certainly be taken down by snipers, whom you’ll notice positioned at each corner of the White House roof. If you’re curious, be sure to turn around while you’re running and get a glimpse of them before they take aim.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, we’re almost ready to go. As you’ve all no doubt noticed, I’m literally shaking with excitement right now. I’ve sweat through my shirt, in fact. Folks, you are witnessing the last few minutes of my career here. And possibly my life. Isn’t this exciting? Such a special treat.

Okay, folks, you ready? One..two...three!

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