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Follow That Prius!

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The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.
End Of Section
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Follow That Prius!

Quick, we haven't a moment to spare! He's already an entire public green space ahead of us. Right, sorry—he or she. There...that's him or her right there. That seafoam green car carefully signaling for a turn onto Maple Terrace Drive from Oak Lawn Boulevard. Yes, the one behind the new Beetle. Follow that Prius!

Good! Maintain about a three-Prius distance. We don't want to spook him. If we do, we'll be stuck driving around Greenwich Heights all day looking for that user-friendly gas/electric hybrid. Easy here. Don't get in his blind spot—he's certain to carefully check it before progressing through this intersection. He's turning right on red! Ah. Okay. Good thing he came to a full stop before continuing. We might've lost him. Wait a minute...

In the Starbucks drive-thru! See, I told you. I don't care if that car is capable of delivering an impressive 60 miles per gallon in city driving, the driver is bound to stop for a half-caf, mocha soy latté sometime.

What the...? Clever. Clever indeed! You breezed right through the drive-thru without stopping, huh? I knew you were slippery, but I didn't guess you had the guts to be impolite. Well, at least we know that he's spotted us.

Yes, it's a man. I can tell by that lacrosse emblem on the back of the car. It's just above the endangered-species license plate, to the right of the anti-Bush bumper sticker.

Now, watch this. I've seen it before. He's going to slip behind that carefully arranged display of Pier One imported craft baskets and then do a three-point turn in one of the REI handicapped spots.

Told you. Now just stop here for a minute. Patience...patience... Cut him off in front of the Bed Bath & Beyond! Come on! Go, go, go! Can't this stupid Insight move any faster? If he gets out of the car and makes it into their vast selection of high-quality bed linens, bath accessories, and kitchen textiles, we'll never find him!

Careful! Right now he thinks he's lost us, so don't squeal your low-rolling-resistance tires. Look at the little devil, zipping past the soccer fields at the magnet high school. He's really pushing that ultra-low-emissions 1.5L, four-cylinder engine, that's for sure.

He's merging onto Falls Woods Road toward Martin Luther King Jr. Park! Don't lose him behind all these SUVs. Just do your best.

Look at him, slinking down into the collar of his L.L. Bean Merino Wool "Blue Jean" sweater. He's about to wet his wide-wale corduroys. You'd better be scared, pal. Yeah, this guy's guilty. Granted, we all feel a deep sense of guilt for having grown up with undue privilege, but it goes deeper than that with him. Yeah, citizen, I've got your number. You've been thinking globally with that Prius, it's true. But you've been acting a little naughty locally, haven't you?

Wait just a minute... He's driving right past the university campus? Give me the map! No, not the guide to the best local ethnic restaurants, the city map! Get on his impact-absorbing, eco-friendly, biodegradable rear bumper—now! Damn, he's using the high-occupancy vehicle lane! He's risking the fine!

Where is he? Where the...? Damn it. The recycling center. That bastard. Just look at all the seafoam green Priuses in this parking lot! It'll take all day to check them all. Well, start rounding up the drivers. You've seen the fun part of the job, kid, but here comes the not-so-glamorous part. We're in for a long night of politely questioning the upwardly mobile and socially responsible.

And to think that at one point we were close enough to hear the Putumayo world-music CD playing on his stereo. Damn it.

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