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Timeline Of Mass Extinction

Scientists predict that human activity has put the world on the brink of the sixth mass extinction in earth’s history, an event characterized by the elimination of a large number of species within a very short period of time. Here is a timeline of extinction events over the planet’s history

Study: Floating Heap Of Trash Now Ocean’s Apex Predator

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Noting that no marine species posed a threat and the total domination of its habitat, a study released Wednesday by researchers at the University of California, Santa Barbara revealed that the floating mass of trash known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is now the ocean’s apex predator.

Dementia Study Reveals Fond Memories First To Go

BALTIMORE—Researchers at Johns Hopkins University published a new study this week on the cognitive effects of Alzheimer’s disease and other deteriorative brain disorders, finding conclusive evidence that dementia sufferers’ fondest memories are nearly always the first to go.

FDA Approves Female-Libido-Enhancing Man

WASHINGTON—In an effort to address the needs of women suffering from a lack of sexual desire, the FDA announced Tuesday that it had approved a new female-libido-enhancing man, which is expected to be made available to the general public by year’s end.

New Report Finds Humanity 10 Years Away From Something Called Ash Age

TUCSON, AZ—Explaining that the large-scale shift in geologic conditions and social organization would require a new taxonomic classification, researchers at the University of Arizona released a report Tuesday revealing that humanity is approximately 10 years away from something that will be called the Ash Age.

NASA Announces Bold Plan To Still Exist By 2045

WASHINGTON—In what is being described as the most ambitious mission ever undertaken in the space agency’s history, NASA officials announced at a press conference Tuesday their bold new plan to still exist by 2045.

YouTube Turns 10

On April 23, 2005, three former PayPal employees started a video-sharing site called YouTube, which has since grown into an influential media platform with over 1 billion users.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Geologists Unearth Fully Intact Rock

FORT COLLINS, CO—Describing the discovery as the most flawless specimen ever unearthed, a team of geologists working in northern Colorado announced Friday they had excavated a fully intact rock.

Rehabilitated Otter Released Back Into Food Chain

SAUSALITO, CA—Following nine months of surgeries and physical therapy to heal the aquatic animal’s debilitating injuries, officials from the Marine Mammal Center released a fully rehabilitated sea otter back into the food chain Tuesday.

Conservationists Attempting To Get Head Start On Mars

WASHINGTON—Fearing that any further delay might prevent their movement from having any meaningful impact, a consortium of leading conservationists confirmed Wednesday it is attempting to get a head start on preserving the planet Mars. The newly form...

Apple MacBook vs. Google Chromebook Pixel

Shortly after Apple debuted its new ultra-thin MacBook this week, Google announced its new Chromebook Pixel 2, which similarly boasts the new Type-C USB port and high-tech trackpad.

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Features Of The Apple Car

After dominating sales of smartphones, tablets, and other electronics, Apple is reportedly secretly designing its first car, code-named Titan.

2015 Tech Trends

Showcasing everything from wearable devices to self-driving cars and personal drones, this year’s Consumer Electronics Show revealed the latest in new technology.

Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Scientists Receive $10 Million Grant To Melt Stuff

COLLEGE PARK, MD—Saying the money would help further researchers’ understanding of the awesome scientific phenomenon, representatives for the American Institute of Physics announced Tuesday that they had received a $10 million grant to melt st...

Pfizer Releases Vintage Cask-Aged Robitussin

GROTON, CT—Touting the new offering’s full-bodied flavor and bold, fruit-forward bouquet, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer unveiled a vintage cask-aged variety of its popular cold medicine Robitussin on Friday. Labeled as Robitussin Reserve, the hi...

Apple Releases Brief, Fleeting Moment Of Excitement

CUPERTINO, CA—Ending weeks of anticipation and intense speculation, tech giant Apple unveiled a short and fleeting moment of excitement to the general public Tuesday during a media event at its corporate headquarters.

Startup Very Casual About Dress Code, Benefits

AUSTIN, TX—Touting the business’s laid-back, nontraditional corporate culture, Go-Go Maps founder and CEO Mike Hannasch explained to reporters Thursday that his company is pretty casual when it comes to employees’ dress code and benefits...

Hospital Comforts Patients With New Therapy Oyster Program

CHICAGO—As part of an effort to provide comfort and serenity to patients, officials at Mount Sinai Hospital have launched a new therapy oyster program that brings hundreds of the bivalve mollusks to the bedsides of those most in need of cheering up.
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Follow That Prius!

Quick, we haven't a moment to spare! He's already an entire public green space ahead of us. Right, sorry—he or she. There...that's him or her right there. That seafoam green car carefully signaling for a turn onto Maple Terrace Drive from Oak Lawn Boulevard. Yes, the one behind the new Beetle. Follow that Prius!

Good! Maintain about a three-Prius distance. We don't want to spook him. If we do, we'll be stuck driving around Greenwich Heights all day looking for that user-friendly gas/electric hybrid. Easy here. Don't get in his blind spot—he's certain to carefully check it before progressing through this intersection. He's turning right on red! Ah. Okay. Good thing he came to a full stop before continuing. We might've lost him. Wait a minute...

In the Starbucks drive-thru! See, I told you. I don't care if that car is capable of delivering an impressive 60 miles per gallon in city driving, the driver is bound to stop for a half-caf, mocha soy latté sometime.

What the...? Clever. Clever indeed! You breezed right through the drive-thru without stopping, huh? I knew you were slippery, but I didn't guess you had the guts to be impolite. Well, at least we know that he's spotted us.

Yes, it's a man. I can tell by that lacrosse emblem on the back of the car. It's just above the endangered-species license plate, to the right of the anti-Bush bumper sticker.

Now, watch this. I've seen it before. He's going to slip behind that carefully arranged display of Pier One imported craft baskets and then do a three-point turn in one of the REI handicapped spots.

Told you. Now just stop here for a minute. Patience...patience... Cut him off in front of the Bed Bath & Beyond! Come on! Go, go, go! Can't this stupid Insight move any faster? If he gets out of the car and makes it into their vast selection of high-quality bed linens, bath accessories, and kitchen textiles, we'll never find him!

Careful! Right now he thinks he's lost us, so don't squeal your low-rolling-resistance tires. Look at the little devil, zipping past the soccer fields at the magnet high school. He's really pushing that ultra-low-emissions 1.5L, four-cylinder engine, that's for sure.

He's merging onto Falls Woods Road toward Martin Luther King Jr. Park! Don't lose him behind all these SUVs. Just do your best.

Look at him, slinking down into the collar of his L.L. Bean Merino Wool "Blue Jean" sweater. He's about to wet his wide-wale corduroys. You'd better be scared, pal. Yeah, this guy's guilty. Granted, we all feel a deep sense of guilt for having grown up with undue privilege, but it goes deeper than that with him. Yeah, citizen, I've got your number. You've been thinking globally with that Prius, it's true. But you've been acting a little naughty locally, haven't you?

Wait just a minute... He's driving right past the university campus? Give me the map! No, not the guide to the best local ethnic restaurants, the city map! Get on his impact-absorbing, eco-friendly, biodegradable rear bumper—now! Damn, he's using the high-occupancy vehicle lane! He's risking the fine!

Where is he? Where the...? Damn it. The recycling center. That bastard. Just look at all the seafoam green Priuses in this parking lot! It'll take all day to check them all. Well, start rounding up the drivers. You've seen the fun part of the job, kid, but here comes the not-so-glamorous part. We're in for a long night of politely questioning the upwardly mobile and socially responsible.

And to think that at one point we were close enough to hear the Putumayo world-music CD playing on his stereo. Damn it.

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