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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Fontly Speaking

Hey, as much as I hate to preach, now is the time when I have to get on the old soapbox: No more Futura Bold Condensed! I mean, really! It's such a precocious little font. I know it seems chic and irresistible, but show some restraint! People are using it everywhere, from Surgeon General's warnings to children's arithmetic books, and it really bugs me to see it used when a simple, moderate 18-point Helvetica Narrow Oblique would fill the bill without the pretension. Please, don't fall in the trap of using inappropriate fonts to make up for unimpressive material.

Okay, I've stopped shooting my six-shooters. You can bring the kids back into the room. My first letter comes from California in the form of a limerick: Dear Font O' Wisdom,
The stork came flapping his wing,
Now my wife and I are expecting,
What font should we use,
To send the news,
About this glorious thing?
New Baby in Burbank

For a new baby, I always recommend a baptismal font! But seriously, font-wise, a classy Brush Script at a moderate four picas should announce the blessed event nicely. But for a lighthearted approach, try one of the popular Crayon fonts, or something with a spring appeal, like a Stone Serif Italic with a low pitch. However, for twins, an extravagant font like Greco Adornado or Oz Handicraft may be what you need. (Besides therapy, that is!)

A lot of you out there have been badgering me to tell you how long I've been advising readers on the wondrous subject of fonts. Well, let's just say a certain pharaoh needed decorating tips, and I said, "Hey, about some Hieroglyphs?" Enough said!

But all kidding aside, fonts have a rich and fascinating history, dating back thousands of years. The Empires of the Mediterranean were built on fonts, like Cuneiform and the Phoenician script. Fonts had their destructive power, too, playing a part in the eventual fall of the Ottoman Empire. When the Turks presented Sultan Suleiman with a scroll written in Reverse Cooper Black, the Sultan went berserk, ordering that all their heads be chopped off and displayed on his mantle. It's true! But there I go again, railing against the ignorance and indifference most people feel toward fonts.

Now, on to our next letter: Dear Font Dork,
How many of the letters you print do you actually write yourself? And if it is actually less than 100 percent, then what kind of loser needs advice on fonts?
Not Falling For It In Falls Church

Well, Falls Church, those are some pretty big accusations. But first, let me say that the tracking and leading of your letter were off by a country mile. I'll also point out that the Bodoni you used, with a cap height of a mere 11 points, is probably the most inexpressive font around. And if that weren't enough, demi weight moderns have been out of style since the early '80s! Maybe if you spent less time mocking what you obviously don't understand, and a little more time trying to comprehend the subtle science of font usage, your letter wouldn't look like it had been typed by a chimpanzee!

Font Watch: Have you ever noticed that the font for Jurassic Park is the exact same one as the font for the television show Martin? Come on, Mr. Spielberg! Show some originality! When Jaws came out, the poster featured a snappy Franklin Gothic Heavy—a bold font choice at the time—and people were lining up around the block!

Next Week: the "Semibold" controversy—what you need to know!

Doug "Benguiat" Bendek's syndicated weekly column, Fontly Speaking, appears in over 400 newspapers nationwide.