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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
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Fontly Speaking

Hey, as much as I hate to preach, now is the time when I have to get on the old soapbox: No more Futura Bold Condensed! I mean, really! It's such a precocious little font. I know it seems chic and irresistible, but show some restraint! People are using it everywhere, from Surgeon General's warnings to children's arithmetic books, and it really bugs me to see it used when a simple, moderate 18-point Helvetica Narrow Oblique would fill the bill without the pretension. Please, don't fall in the trap of using inappropriate fonts to make up for unimpressive material.

Okay, I've stopped shooting my six-shooters. You can bring the kids back into the room. My first letter comes from California in the form of a limerick: Dear Font O' Wisdom,
The stork came flapping his wing,
Now my wife and I are expecting,
What font should we use,
To send the news,
About this glorious thing?
New Baby in Burbank

For a new baby, I always recommend a baptismal font! But seriously, font-wise, a classy Brush Script at a moderate four picas should announce the blessed event nicely. But for a lighthearted approach, try one of the popular Crayon fonts, or something with a spring appeal, like a Stone Serif Italic with a low pitch. However, for twins, an extravagant font like Greco Adornado or Oz Handicraft may be what you need. (Besides therapy, that is!)

A lot of you out there have been badgering me to tell you how long I've been advising readers on the wondrous subject of fonts. Well, let's just say a certain pharaoh needed decorating tips, and I said, "Hey, about some Hieroglyphs?" Enough said!

But all kidding aside, fonts have a rich and fascinating history, dating back thousands of years. The Empires of the Mediterranean were built on fonts, like Cuneiform and the Phoenician script. Fonts had their destructive power, too, playing a part in the eventual fall of the Ottoman Empire. When the Turks presented Sultan Suleiman with a scroll written in Reverse Cooper Black, the Sultan went berserk, ordering that all their heads be chopped off and displayed on his mantle. It's true! But there I go again, railing against the ignorance and indifference most people feel toward fonts.

Now, on to our next letter: Dear Font Dork,
How many of the letters you print do you actually write yourself? And if it is actually less than 100 percent, then what kind of loser needs advice on fonts?
Not Falling For It In Falls Church

Well, Falls Church, those are some pretty big accusations. But first, let me say that the tracking and leading of your letter were off by a country mile. I'll also point out that the Bodoni you used, with a cap height of a mere 11 points, is probably the most inexpressive font around. And if that weren't enough, demi weight moderns have been out of style since the early '80s! Maybe if you spent less time mocking what you obviously don't understand, and a little more time trying to comprehend the subtle science of font usage, your letter wouldn't look like it had been typed by a chimpanzee!

Font Watch: Have you ever noticed that the font for Jurassic Park is the exact same one as the font for the television show Martin? Come on, Mr. Spielberg! Show some originality! When Jaws came out, the poster featured a snappy Franklin Gothic Heavy—a bold font choice at the time—and people were lining up around the block!

Next Week: the "Semibold" controversy—what you need to know!

Doug "Benguiat" Bendek's syndicated weekly column, Fontly Speaking, appears in over 400 newspapers nationwide.

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