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Friction Must Be Eliminated!

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Satisfaction

Friction Must Be Eliminated!

Toward a Purer Physics

If there is a Satan, fellow travellers on this hurtling ball of cosmic mud, it is friction. If there is one insidious force robbing our daily toil of its intended efficiency, it is friction. If there is one plague the great minds of all nations must join together to cure, it is the tyranny that friction has established over all natural processes. Without bringing its cruel reign to an end, the human race will never take its place among the gods.

Friction! The very sound of the word is harsh and brutal. And why should it not be so? Think of friction’s perverse campaign of obstruction—every step you take, from cradle to grave, hampered by friction’s invisible presence. Your workplace travail, encumbered by its wraithlike weight. Mankind’s efforts, thwarted at every turn by the demon friction, without whose evil obstruction we would long ago have broken the surly bonds of Earth to tread the soil of distant worlds. But most horrifying of all is the manner in which friction’s tendrils have curled their way into the heart of the mundane.

Horrible to contemplate, yet true! Not even Everyman, oblivious to his plight as he trudges along through his narrow grey world, can be free from a force of whose nature he is all but ignorant. Does he know or care that friction lights the match that in turn lends its hellish fire to his coarse, foul-smelling, carcinogenic tobacco? Does he know that the liquor he throws down his gullet with such abandon is also friction’s evil by-product?

But the curse of all humanity, the albatross around the neck of the mariner tossed on the uncaring depths of existence, is not the fault of noble mankind. Indeed, you have, like as not, anticipated the culprit: Friction! Yes, fellow humans, we are once again faced with friction’s grasping ambition, and in this case our own nature. For I bring into the light this day a revelation: Without friction, we would no longer take the furtive, bestial, unclean pleasure in sex from which our race has suffered since the day we developed chromosomes. A kind of friction is responsible for our love of sexual congress, and therefore friction is responsible for the seamiest strains of moral failure. No longer shall conniving theologians point the gaunt fingers of an ignorant and destroying hand at the sciences and lay the blame for our too-permissive society at the feet of Athena. Rather, we have found the reason for our perverse society in the oldest of mankind’s enemies: yes, I say again, that enemy is friction.

The groveling spasm of our sexuality shall hold no sway over our godlike race if we can only defeat the specter of frictive forces. To that end, I propose that the defense budget be written so as to devote a larger fraction of our nation’s tax revenue to fight the unclean corruptor of all that is pure in thought or deed, namely friction, that one day our children’s children shall walk in the chaste cool light of a frictionless dawn. Only in this fashion may mankind shed his ancient skin of the flesh and aspire to his true destiny—to reach the stars. O

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