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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Fuck, I Just Realized I'm Going To Be One Of The People Who Die In This Heat Wave

Boy, is it a scorcher! Don't think I've seen one like this since the summer of '49. You know, at my age, I can feel pretty faint just sitting here, all alone in my stuffy, poorly ventilated apartment. Better brew a pot of coffee, take my blood pressure medication, and…hey, wait a minute.

Oh, shit. I'm going to be one of the poor fucks who dies in this heat wave, aren't I?

Well, that's just fantastic. Every time a week of triple-digit temperatures rolls around, there's a half dozen sad sonsofbitches who succumb to the heat, and this time I'm gonna be one of them. I know it. Six oldsters at a nursing home, a couple babies, some middle-aged dad jogging up bleachers, and me. How did I not see this coming?

Yup. I'm totally screwed.

Hold on. Maybe this heat is just making me delirious. I should look for warning signs before I panic. Low mobility, check. History of cardiac problems, check. Old, check. No regular schedule of visitors, so no one will notice I'm gone—oh, for Pete's sake, I've even dead-bolted the front door already.

I refuse to be one of those pathetic heatstroke victims. Not me. Although, I do have a habit of sucking on hard candy instead of drinking water, but that's only because when my blood sugar gets low I become easily disoriented and oh my God, I'm dead fucking meat.

I can't believe that a week from now, some news anchor is going to cut to footage of my building with an ambulance parked out front, which I'll be inside of, baked like a Cornish game hen. It's humiliating. I used to pity those "Heat Wave Claims 7" people when I read about them in the paper. Then I'd usually have to lie down due to my hypertension.

You'd think that would have tipped me off.

No, no, I can beat this. Ol' Rosie's got a few summers in her yet! All I've got to do is drive my car to… Okay, I'll just call one of my children who still lives near… I'm sure the neighbors I've never met and who never hear me make any noise will…

I'm a goner.

So there goes any chance of dying with dignity, resting comfortably in my bed surrounded by friends and family. No, I'm going to be one of those schmucks taken down by the weather. Peachy. I'm about to have the distinct honor of leaving this earth slumped over a kitchen chair near the only window I could muster the strength to pry slightly open.

Nothing left to do now but spread some decent obituary photos out on the credenza so I don't look like a total idiot in the newspaper. That, and wait for this heat to kill me.

It's times like this that my husband Denny, God rest his soul, would know just what to do. He'd never let me die in a heat wave. I can almost see him now, offering me his hand and beckoning me into the cool, white light. And my friend Gladys is there beside him. My, my, look at her sundress! And, is that—Rusty? Oh, good boy, Rusty! Good boy. You'll lead me to some water, won't you?

I'm so thirsty, Rusty. So tired and thirsty.

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