Gaze Upon My Baseball Cap Collection And Try To Remain Unmoved

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Fan Can’t Believe He Left 11 Seconds Into Ronda Rousey Fight

RIO DE JANEIRO—Kicking himself for not staying all the way until the end of the fight and subsequently missing its thrilling finish, local mixed martial arts fan Marcos Acosta expressed both disappointment and regret Tuesday for leaving UFC 190’s main event between Ronda Rousey and Bethe Correia after 11 seconds.

Strongside/Weakside: Clint Dempsey

Despite losing the team’s captaincy after a recent incident with a referee, Clint Dempsey has propelled the U.S. closer to a sixth Gold Cup title. Is he any good?

Biggest Moves In NBA Free Agency

With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far.

Every Comment On ‘Immaculate Reception’ YouTube Video Clearly From Franco Harris

PITTSBURGH—Noting that the dozens of rambling, overly excited posts date all the way back to when the clip was first uploaded in early 2011, sources confirmed Thursday that every comment below a YouTube video of the famed 1972 “Immaculate Reception” football play was clearly written by Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame running back Franco Harris.

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

ELMONT, NY—Overcome with emotion as he described how much he’d miss his “old friend,” the owner of Triple Crown–winner American Pharoah bid a tearful farewell to the colt Monday before granting the horse its freedom, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Barcelona vs. Juventus

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Kentucky Cancels Practice For NBA Draft Suit Fitting

CLEVELAND, OH—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits.

The Pros And Cons Of Paying College Athletes

As college athletic programs continue to generate millions of dollars in revenue for their schools, advocates for student-athletes have begun pushing for schools to pay their players, while opponents say that compensating athletes has the potential to ...

Greatest Undefeated Seasons In Sports History

With the University of Kentucky men’s basketball team just four games away from completing a perfect 40-0 season, Onion Sports takes a look back at the greatest undefeated runs in sports history. 1971 Nebraska Cornhuskers: The Univers...
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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Gaze Upon My Baseball Cap Collection And Try To Remain Unmoved

Allow me, with your kind permission, to present to you my pièce de résistance. I must warn you, as one of the select few to have ever witnessed it, you may find it difficult to maintain your composure. A sight such as this is not to be viewed lightly. Steel yourself, for it will be overwhelming. Behold my baseball cap collection in all its glory!

Amazing, is it not? I can see that you are both confused and astonished. Take it all in before I continue. When you have quite gathered yourself, I will proceed.

What you see before you are 11 caps, hanging from left to right in the order in which they were last worn, magnificently displayed on metallic hooks pinned to a corkboard.  Each hook has nine-and-a-half inches between its counterpart which gives each piece the proper amount of space to be admired for both its individuality and its place in a grander scheme.

Ah, I see your eyes are drawn to my newest piece. Not surprising. I happened upon this 2006 Oakland Athletics New Era fitted cap at a Champs Sporting Goods store in the mall near my house. An important find, yes, but I would never have purchased it if it didn't complement the collection as a whole.  Its new, youthful, hunter-green wool body, embellished by its yellow bill and traditional white A and apostrophe S, serves as a stark counterpoint to the visibly worn yet resilient Buffalo Bills cap that hangs beside it. I saved that Bills cap from an ignoble fate in a bargain bin in Mobile, AL, many moons ago, during a time when I, too, needed saving. Stand before the Bills cap, and all the caps for that matter, and realize that you, too, are merely mortal.

My favorite piece—and I say this knowing that it may surprise you—is the plain navy blue cap. I paid a hefty sum for it at that gift shop off the Pennsylvania Turnpike, and when I finally had it in my hands, I let out a sigh that seemed to echo the full weight of humanity. Its simplicity is stunning.

When I began this collection, I was 10, a mere boy, ignorant of my destiny as curator of the greatest collection of sportswear ever assembled. I realized long ago that I am not so much its owner as its steward, maintaining it so it may be passed on to future generations.

My first hat is the one three in from the right, its headband stained with the sweat of hope and sorrow. Notice the netted body adorned with an "R" (for "Reds") and the adjustable notches in the back. It is from my first Little League team. Remember your youth? Your innocence? Could it be we were ever so naïve, regarding our baseball caps as nothing more than objects to be worn on our heads? Do not fear to touch it, for to touch it is to feel its beauty. Go on, allow yourself to be humbled in its presence.

Look further. The uneven curvature of the otherwise exquisitely brimmed Dallas Cowboys hat proves that, no matter what, true perfection is unattainable.

That unmistakably curious cap on the far left, with the stitched jackrabbit, was a free gift I received when I purchased my old Volkswagen Golf. That was one of the most complex times in my life, just as witnessing this is probably one of the most complex times in yours.

And the Phoenix Coyotes hat was a present from my parents, because I am a pretty big Coyotes fan.

I sense that you are starting to understand the enormity of what hangs before you. What you are experiencing right now is an onslaught of universal truths words cannot describe. I know that profound and inexplicable sensation well. Indeed, I feel it every day. The soul quakes a little at the sight of the sublime. We are, after all, only human.

Oh, but how I ramble on. The collection is best appreciated in silent contemplation. I am going to leave you alone now. Don't be afraid. This is a safe place. If it all becomes too much, draw strength from the collection's anchor: the New York Mets hat. A constant companion on the rockiest of life's winding roads, it has guided me through many a tough time, and no doubt it will again.

Yes, no doubt it will again.