Get Me Off This Consarned Asteroid!

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

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Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping

MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle.

Get Me Off This Consarned Asteroid!

Boooooooo! 'Tis I, the ghost of Herman Ulysses Zweibel, pioneer editor of The Mercantile-Onion and, to my ever-lasting shame, father of that debauched, laudanum-addicted whelp, T. Herman Zweibel! Boooooooo!

Well, my petition for admittance into Heaven was finally approved by the Lord God on High Him-self. For over a century, I was not allowed to enter the pearly gates because I was not Mormon. Don't let their polygamous, westward-migrating, hand-cart-pulling ways fool you: They are the chosen people.

But our God is a merciful God, and, determining that I had suffered enough, He called me home at last. With legions of graceful, airy, sexually ambiguous angels escorting me, my soul soared into a glorious, golden luminescence that words can-not begin to describe.

My joy at the prospect of being accepted into God's Celestial Kingdom was unbounded. "Rig me up with some devout under-wear and betroth me to a few of these Latter-Day Saints," said I. "Planet Kolob, here I come!"

Sure enough, in a flash, I found my-self enveloped in the black aether. How-ever, the heavenly body upon which I found my-self was but a tiny orb about twice the diameter of a wagon-wheel. "Where am I?" I screamed.

I felt a tug upon my sleeve, and when I looked down, there stood a small, tow-headed boy, dressed in princely robes.

"If you please, draw me a sheep," the boy said.

At first, I thought the boy was some sort of angel, but, as it turned out, he's just this sniveling little bastard who insists on being called a prince, even though he presides over nothing more than a pathetic asteroid. He's always busy cleaning out the little volcanoes on the asteroid's surface, or talking to a miserable little flower, or complaining about the "baobabs," what-ever they are. Worst of all, he constantly blathers some-thing about how one perceives not with the eyes, but with the heart. What folly!

Well, I assumed Heaven was my destination, but now I am thinking I may actually be in Hell it-self! I must find a way off this asteroid. In the mean-time, this precious little prince is going to get shoved head-first into one of his precious little volcanoes if he doesn't shut his pie-hole!