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Get Me To A Hospital, I Think I Just Swallowed Some Venom

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

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Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Get Me To A Hospital, I Think I Just Swallowed Some Venom

Oh no. Oh God.

I think I just swallowed some venom.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Okay, I just need to stay calm and reason through this. Think, goddammit, think! Okay, first I’ll need to take something for the swelling—is there any aspirin nearby? I should elevate the venom above my heart, right? I think that’s how it works. Does that mean I should elevate my stomach? Do I even know where my heart is?

Oh, Christ, someone call 911. I need a goddamn doctor.

All right, now, try to remember: What are you supposed to do if you ingest snake venom? I used to know this. Am I supposed to drink water? That will, like, dilute the venom or something, right? And how long does snake poison take to work, anyway? An hour? Ten hours? Five minutes? Shit. This is bad. This is really, really bad. The poison has probably spread to every place in my body by now.

Wait, I think I’ve heard people say you’re supposed to induce vomiting. Yeah, yeah, that will get the venom out of my system. But I don’t know how to do that. Do I stick my tail down my throat and make myself gag? I guess I’ll try that.

Huuuuugh! Gaaaach!

Okay, it’s not working. I’m touching way at the back of my throat and it’s not doing anything. Does anyone know the Heimlich maneuver?

Maybe I just need to get some mouse in my stomach. Yeah, a nice mouse or two should soak up some of the poison, delay its effects, give me some time to think. How would a snake expert handle this? I, of all people, ought to know more about what to do here. I’ve seen so many of those survival specials on TV. I never retain anything from them, though, is the thing. You never think it’s going to be you until it is. Man, I feel so stupid. I’m so stupid.

I think I’m having a panic attack. I think the venom is making me have a panic attack. I swear, I can feel my throat closing up right now. I might be allergic to venom. Can you be allergic to venom? Does it even matter? If it’s fucking venom it’ll kill me anyway, won’t it? Oh, Christ, someone please just find me a doctor!

I’m going to try and suck it out. I’m going to suck the poison out with my mouth. Look, maybe this only works in the movies but, screw it, I don’t have many options left at this point. I’m going to do it. I’m doing it! Here goes…

GAHHH! Snake! Snaaaaake! A snake is biting me! Get it off! Get it off! Ahh! Fucker!

Did anyone see that? Huge snake just bit me in the neck! Where the fuck did he come from? Bit me right in the damn neck. That’s got to make it worse. More venom can’t be a good thing. God, this is it for me, isn’t it? This is the end. Listen, tell my kids I love them. Tell them not to do what I did. Tell them…be careful around snakes…

Huh. Well, this is strange. Why haven’t I died yet? Why am I still breathing?

Could it be that I survived the venom? Am I stronger than I thought? I guess something I did must have driven it out of my system. Or maybe I’m even immune to snake poison? Well, I’ll be a son of a bitch. What a scare. Probably still a good idea to stay lying down for a bit, though. Calm down for a while, get my bearings and…

Oh shit.

I think my skin is falling off.

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