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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

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Get Me To A Hospital, I Think I Just Swallowed Some Venom

Oh no. Oh God.

I think I just swallowed some venom.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Okay, I just need to stay calm and reason through this. Think, goddammit, think! Okay, first I’ll need to take something for the swelling—is there any aspirin nearby? I should elevate the venom above my heart, right? I think that’s how it works. Does that mean I should elevate my stomach? Do I even know where my heart is?

Oh, Christ, someone call 911. I need a goddamn doctor.

All right, now, try to remember: What are you supposed to do if you ingest snake venom? I used to know this. Am I supposed to drink water? That will, like, dilute the venom or something, right? And how long does snake poison take to work, anyway? An hour? Ten hours? Five minutes? Shit. This is bad. This is really, really bad. The poison has probably spread to every place in my body by now.

Wait, I think I’ve heard people say you’re supposed to induce vomiting. Yeah, yeah, that will get the venom out of my system. But I don’t know how to do that. Do I stick my tail down my throat and make myself gag? I guess I’ll try that.

Huuuuugh! Gaaaach!

Okay, it’s not working. I’m touching way at the back of my throat and it’s not doing anything. Does anyone know the Heimlich maneuver?

Maybe I just need to get some mouse in my stomach. Yeah, a nice mouse or two should soak up some of the poison, delay its effects, give me some time to think. How would a snake expert handle this? I, of all people, ought to know more about what to do here. I’ve seen so many of those survival specials on TV. I never retain anything from them, though, is the thing. You never think it’s going to be you until it is. Man, I feel so stupid. I’m so stupid.

I think I’m having a panic attack. I think the venom is making me have a panic attack. I swear, I can feel my throat closing up right now. I might be allergic to venom. Can you be allergic to venom? Does it even matter? If it’s fucking venom it’ll kill me anyway, won’t it? Oh, Christ, someone please just find me a doctor!

I’m going to try and suck it out. I’m going to suck the poison out with my mouth. Look, maybe this only works in the movies but, screw it, I don’t have many options left at this point. I’m going to do it. I’m doing it! Here goes…

GAHHH! Snake! Snaaaaake! A snake is biting me! Get it off! Get it off! Ahh! Fucker!

Did anyone see that? Huge snake just bit me in the neck! Where the fuck did he come from? Bit me right in the damn neck. That’s got to make it worse. More venom can’t be a good thing. God, this is it for me, isn’t it? This is the end. Listen, tell my kids I love them. Tell them not to do what I did. Tell them…be careful around snakes…

Huh. Well, this is strange. Why haven’t I died yet? Why am I still breathing?

Could it be that I survived the venom? Am I stronger than I thought? I guess something I did must have driven it out of my system. Or maybe I’m even immune to snake poison? Well, I’ll be a son of a bitch. What a scare. Probably still a good idea to stay lying down for a bit, though. Calm down for a while, get my bearings and…

Oh shit.

I think my skin is falling off.

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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