adBlockCheck

Recent News

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
End Of Section
  • More News

Get Me To A Hospital, I Think I Just Swallowed Some Venom

Oh no. Oh God.

I think I just swallowed some venom.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Okay, I just need to stay calm and reason through this. Think, goddammit, think! Okay, first I’ll need to take something for the swelling—is there any aspirin nearby? I should elevate the venom above my heart, right? I think that’s how it works. Does that mean I should elevate my stomach? Do I even know where my heart is?

Oh, Christ, someone call 911. I need a goddamn doctor.

All right, now, try to remember: What are you supposed to do if you ingest snake venom? I used to know this. Am I supposed to drink water? That will, like, dilute the venom or something, right? And how long does snake poison take to work, anyway? An hour? Ten hours? Five minutes? Shit. This is bad. This is really, really bad. The poison has probably spread to every place in my body by now.

Wait, I think I’ve heard people say you’re supposed to induce vomiting. Yeah, yeah, that will get the venom out of my system. But I don’t know how to do that. Do I stick my tail down my throat and make myself gag? I guess I’ll try that.

Huuuuugh! Gaaaach!

Okay, it’s not working. I’m touching way at the back of my throat and it’s not doing anything. Does anyone know the Heimlich maneuver?

Maybe I just need to get some mouse in my stomach. Yeah, a nice mouse or two should soak up some of the poison, delay its effects, give me some time to think. How would a snake expert handle this? I, of all people, ought to know more about what to do here. I’ve seen so many of those survival specials on TV. I never retain anything from them, though, is the thing. You never think it’s going to be you until it is. Man, I feel so stupid. I’m so stupid.

I think I’m having a panic attack. I think the venom is making me have a panic attack. I swear, I can feel my throat closing up right now. I might be allergic to venom. Can you be allergic to venom? Does it even matter? If it’s fucking venom it’ll kill me anyway, won’t it? Oh, Christ, someone please just find me a doctor!

I’m going to try and suck it out. I’m going to suck the poison out with my mouth. Look, maybe this only works in the movies but, screw it, I don’t have many options left at this point. I’m going to do it. I’m doing it! Here goes…

GAHHH! Snake! Snaaaaake! A snake is biting me! Get it off! Get it off! Ahh! Fucker!

Did anyone see that? Huge snake just bit me in the neck! Where the fuck did he come from? Bit me right in the damn neck. That’s got to make it worse. More venom can’t be a good thing. God, this is it for me, isn’t it? This is the end. Listen, tell my kids I love them. Tell them not to do what I did. Tell them…be careful around snakes…

Huh. Well, this is strange. Why haven’t I died yet? Why am I still breathing?

Could it be that I survived the venom? Am I stronger than I thought? I guess something I did must have driven it out of my system. Or maybe I’m even immune to snake poison? Well, I’ll be a son of a bitch. What a scare. Probably still a good idea to stay lying down for a bit, though. Calm down for a while, get my bearings and…

Oh shit.

I think my skin is falling off.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close