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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
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Get Smooved

Girl, if there is any doubt in your mind as to what time it is, let me break it down for you: It is time for you to get Smooved.

Aw, baby, I know that I had said some things that made you mad, but I am extremely sorry. If you just come on home, I will make it up to you. I will take you to new stratospheres of love. I will sex you wild.

To make up for all the foolish things I said, tomorrow night, I will escort you to my crib, where I will prepare for you a romantic meal comprised of succulent lobster from the finest sea. We will both eat the lobster and enjoy a side dish of rice with it. There will also be a baked potato waiting for you, and some butter for you to place upon that potato. In addition, there will be sour cream, which you may also put on the potato if you so desire.

I will also serve juice.

Then, when we have each finished eating our meals, I will lay your body down on a bedsheet comprised of 100 percent silk, which I will purchase in advance from the finest store in this city. Then, just before we freak, I will inquire as to how you like the feel of the sheets. If you inform me that you do not like it, I will travel to other cities around the world until I locate a store that sells sheets that are more to your satisfaction. Then, I will purchase those sheets and return home to put them on the bed for you.

It is then that I will hit you doggy-style.

While I am freaking you, I will whisper various things in your ear. Some of the phrases I will say to you are, "Baby, you are my everything," "You feel so good, I can't stand it," and, "Girl, ride me." There will also be candles and a CD featuring the music of Keith Sweat to create an atmosphere of unbridled romance, making you wet.

This is how you will get Smooved.

Just say the word, and we will share interplanetary cocoa love until the break of dawn. We will bump across the galaxy, exploring the known solar system with our passion. We will journey to places even the astronomers have never been. We will bump to Pluto, as well as to the moon.

When we are through with the lovemaking aspect of our romantic evening together, I will still continue to attend to your needs. If you wish a grape to be placed in your mouth, I will place one there. It does not matter whether you want a purple grape or a white grape, as I will supply myself with grapes of both colors.

If you would like to be massaged with scented oils, I will appear behind you and do so. I will make sure to rub your neck and shoulders lovingly, neither rubbing so hard as to be painful, nor so soft as to be ineffectual for massaging purposes.

Aw, girl, I want to throw you on the floor right now and ride you hard.

To summarize my feelings, I love you, and that fact is inscrutable. If you could only find it in your heart to forgive me for all the foolish things I did and said, we could take a magical voyage to Atlantis together, sailing on a caravan of love. Just say the word, and I will sting you. I will Smoove you.

All night long.

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