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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Get the Hell Off My Property!

A most distressing thing happened to me the other day. There I was, squatting like a baboon in my bed, trying to pass a bolus the size of a medicine ball, when a complete stranger burst into my chamber to ask where the restroom was. I nearly leapt out of my skin! How did this obviously crazed and demented individual get past the electric fence and platoon of Swiss guards that surround my vast compound?

I fumbled for the derringer I keep under my pillow, but my nurse restrained me, saying, "He must have strayed from his tour group." She then calmly left the room with the wretch, as though it were the most natural thing in the world!

As I later learned, to my deepest horror, my 650-room mansion and adjoining grounds have been turned into a public thoroughfare, a sort of boardwalk amusement spectacle, if you will! Recently, in 1954 or so, my wastrel son, J. Phineas, decided that the ancestral home of the Zweibels could be converted into a tourist attraction upon which, for a petty and nominal sum, the unwashed and unlettered masses could trod in complete disregard!

Now, I'm a newspaperman by trade, and I've always believed that the invasion of other people's privacy is a supreme right given to us by a wise and just God. But by gum, I just can't bear the notion of some Joe Lunchpail and his slovenly wife trundling clumsily through my private slaughterhouse, or trying on my world-renowned collection of 16th century undergarments.

A man's home is his castle, I tell you! Take that away from him and you deny him his very manhood. I refuse to stand for this outrage!

I thereby proclaim to you, citizens of the Republic: Get the hell off my property, you lowlives! I'll show you what for. You think you can eat my melba toast and soil my linens and listen to my gramophone? I'll fill your posteriors full of lead first! Nurse, fetch my musket!

Stay off my property. That is my final warning. After that, you're fair game. As God Almighty is my witness, if I find you wandering about my landholdings, I'll gut you like a deer.

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