Getting A New Place Sucks!

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping

MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle.

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Getting A New Place Sucks!

Hola, amigos. What's the deal? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been having a heaping helping of problems. First off, the bill collectors from the hospital have been on my ass about the money I owe them for fixing up my leg earlier this winter. I didn't have insurance, so I owe them a shitload. I told them I didn't have any money and they were going to have to open the cut they sewed up if they wanted any more blood from me. The way I figure it, I got a few months before they send it over to a collection agency. And, if I give them a hundred bucks or so, that'll buy even more time.

I got other troubles besides the hospital hounding me. My car got busted into last month. Some dickwad smashed the window on the passenger side—the door I just replaced—and took all my tapes, some bottles of motor oil, and even the emergency $20 I had in the back of the glove box. Since then, I've been freezing my nards off. I don't care how much duct tape you use or how high you crank up the heat, you can't keep the cold out with a Hefty recycling bag when it's 10 degrees out.

That's not all the changes in my life. See, my landlord called last week. The conversation was going along fine and dandy with some bullshit small talk when he springs on me that he wants to raise my rent $50. "Jim," he said, "property taxes have gone up, and I haven't raised rent in four years. I gotta do what I gotta do." I was all polite, but I totally slammed the phone when he was done. What does that dick think, that I shit nickels? How am I supposed to start coming up with $350 every month? My weed alone costs that much.

Once I got done throwing and kicking things, I sat down to pack a bowl and think this apartment situation through. I started thinking that maybe moving out of my place would give me a whole new perspective on life. I took a good look around the old pad and realized it was starting to get crowded. The water stain on the wall is getting bigger by the month, the cardboard I taped over the hole in the ceiling three years ago is starting to fall down, and the carpet is peeling up off the floor in about six places. I definitely needed a change of scenery.

When I got a paper and looked through the want ads, every apartment was like $200 more than this one, and none of them had parking. If I'm gonna go through the hassle of moving, I need a place for my car to cool its wheels while I'm cooling mine. The only places I could afford were 20 miles outside of town. That's when I had a great idea: I could get a new place with a roommate and cut my bills in half.

Now, ordinarily, I'm a lone wolf. After 28 years on this earth, I've worked out a system of living that's pretty solid, and I don't like anyone telling me how to deal with my shit. The last thing I need is someone telling me I drank his case of beer or left my dishes on the couch. But I was in a bad spot, and I needed someone to help bail me out.

The first person I thought of was Wes. He's been living with his mom for way too long, so I gave him a call and told him he was going to be my new roommate. He sort of hemmed and hawed, until finally I squeezed it out of him: He's planning to move in with his girlfriend in a few months. What a pussy-whipped jackass. I told him he didn't need some woman holding him down, but he told me his mind was made up. He did say that if I had have asked last year, he would've done it. I told him not to do me any favors and hung up the phone.

Later, Wes called me to apologize and told me that he'd been doing some asking around for me. He said his mom told him about a place a mile away from where I'm living now, and it sounded really sweet. It was close to a main drag, the rent was $25 less than what I'm paying now, and it was right around the corner from Shotz Bar & Grill. I decided I had nothing to lose by checking it out.

It turns out the landlord is this old lady who owns the building. She needs a little extra income, so she's renting out a room in the basement. I wasn't keen on living with some fossil, but I was there, so I thought I should at least check it out. I mean, technically, I'm living in a basement right now. Well, the room was about 10-by-10 with one window. On the plus side, it had a toilet right there in the room. On the down side, it had one ceiling light, one electrical outlet, and no fridge. And the ceiling was only about two inches taller than my head. Plus, if I wanted to shower, I had to go upstairs. There's no way I'm going to wait for some old lady to get out of the tub so I can hose down. I'm a man on the go. If I ain't out the door 20 minutes after I get up, it's a Saturday. I told the lady I had to think about it, and I beat it the hell out of there as fast as I could.

The whole apartment search has been a big downer. I'm still sorta looking around, but I'm starting to think that my place is okay. I could put a poster over the stain, and I could either wait for the cardboard to come all the way off or just put some more over it. Besides, it's a real pain in the ass to move. Something always gets lost, and you have to buy beer for everyone who helps you. Still, if a place falls in my lap that has more space for less rent than I have now, you'd better believe I'm gonna jump on that shit. I don't know how much longer I can stand to live the way I'm used to living.