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Girl, He's No Good For You

Baby, I have sat patiently for a long time while another man has kept you warm at night, made sweet love to you, and presented you with gifts of jewelry and various shirts.

But I know that when you are alone, you think about how much better your life would be if you were back with me, if it were me sexing you wild instead of him. Do you know what I am saying? You know in your heart that it is Smoove B you want, not this other man.

I am here to tell you that I will be your man. This other man, he cannot do the things Smoove B can.

This other man, does he purchase the finest scented oils from the remotest reaches of the East Orient, mix them in a special blend of his own devising, and then gently rub the exquisite balm into your soft brown flesh?

This other man, does he toil all day in his kitchen to prepare a gourmet meal of cooked pheasant and mashed potatoes for you? Does he personally mash the potatoes with the same tender love with which I would massage your beautiful muscles? Does he prepare corn on the cob and beets with the finest French wine to top off the delicious meal? Does he serve this meal on the finest china plates available for purchase? No, only Smoove B can do these various things for you. In addition, when he makes dinner for you, are peas also served?

This other man, does he draw a bubble bath for you in the large, round bathtub in his fourth-floor penthouse, scrubbing your back with soaps created in the most exclusive soap factories in Egypt? Does he do so slowly and delicately, so as to give you the maximum amount of pleasure? When you are through, does he offer to dry you off with a fine plush towel made of 100 percent cotton? No, only Smoove B will do these things for you. Furthermore, does he clear away the plastic wrapping in which the soap was packaged, so as to ensure that it does not get in your way?

Sweet thing, as I have clearly demonstrated thus far in this column, I am unquestionably the better man for you. There can be no deniability of this fact. But you have not even heard the most convincing information to this regard.

This other man, does he freak you like an animal, putting his sting in you sideways? Does he hit you up doggy-style until the sun comes up? Does he whisper in your ear that you are the most precious, sexiest gift of God that has ever existed in all of creation? No. Only Smoove B will do this for you. And only Smoove B will do it in sheets made of the most exotic European satin.

Follow your heart, baby. And come back to Smoove.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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