Girl, He's No Good For You

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Girl, He's No Good For You

Baby, I have sat patiently for a long time while another man has kept you warm at night, made sweet love to you, and presented you with gifts of jewelry and various shirts.

But I know that when you are alone, you think about how much better your life would be if you were back with me, if it were me sexing you wild instead of him. Do you know what I am saying? You know in your heart that it is Smoove B you want, not this other man.

I am here to tell you that I will be your man. This other man, he cannot do the things Smoove B can.

This other man, does he purchase the finest scented oils from the remotest reaches of the East Orient, mix them in a special blend of his own devising, and then gently rub the exquisite balm into your soft brown flesh?

This other man, does he toil all day in his kitchen to prepare a gourmet meal of cooked pheasant and mashed potatoes for you? Does he personally mash the potatoes with the same tender love with which I would massage your beautiful muscles? Does he prepare corn on the cob and beets with the finest French wine to top off the delicious meal? Does he serve this meal on the finest china plates available for purchase? No, only Smoove B can do these various things for you. In addition, when he makes dinner for you, are peas also served?

This other man, does he draw a bubble bath for you in the large, round bathtub in his fourth-floor penthouse, scrubbing your back with soaps created in the most exclusive soap factories in Egypt? Does he do so slowly and delicately, so as to give you the maximum amount of pleasure? When you are through, does he offer to dry you off with a fine plush towel made of 100 percent cotton? No, only Smoove B will do these things for you. Furthermore, does he clear away the plastic wrapping in which the soap was packaged, so as to ensure that it does not get in your way?

Sweet thing, as I have clearly demonstrated thus far in this column, I am unquestionably the better man for you. There can be no deniability of this fact. But you have not even heard the most convincing information to this regard.

This other man, does he freak you like an animal, putting his sting in you sideways? Does he hit you up doggy-style until the sun comes up? Does he whisper in your ear that you are the most precious, sexiest gift of God that has ever existed in all of creation? No. Only Smoove B will do this for you. And only Smoove B will do it in sheets made of the most exotic European satin.

Follow your heart, baby. And come back to Smoove.