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Girl, He's No Good For You

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Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Girl, He's No Good For You

Baby, I have sat patiently for a long time while another man has kept you warm at night, made sweet love to you, and presented you with gifts of jewelry and various shirts.

But I know that when you are alone, you think about how much better your life would be if you were back with me, if it were me sexing you wild instead of him. Do you know what I am saying? You know in your heart that it is Smoove B you want, not this other man.

I am here to tell you that I will be your man. This other man, he cannot do the things Smoove B can.

This other man, does he purchase the finest scented oils from the remotest reaches of the East Orient, mix them in a special blend of his own devising, and then gently rub the exquisite balm into your soft brown flesh?

This other man, does he toil all day in his kitchen to prepare a gourmet meal of cooked pheasant and mashed potatoes for you? Does he personally mash the potatoes with the same tender love with which I would massage your beautiful muscles? Does he prepare corn on the cob and beets with the finest French wine to top off the delicious meal? Does he serve this meal on the finest china plates available for purchase? No, only Smoove B can do these various things for you. In addition, when he makes dinner for you, are peas also served?

This other man, does he draw a bubble bath for you in the large, round bathtub in his fourth-floor penthouse, scrubbing your back with soaps created in the most exclusive soap factories in Egypt? Does he do so slowly and delicately, so as to give you the maximum amount of pleasure? When you are through, does he offer to dry you off with a fine plush towel made of 100 percent cotton? No, only Smoove B will do these things for you. Furthermore, does he clear away the plastic wrapping in which the soap was packaged, so as to ensure that it does not get in your way?

Sweet thing, as I have clearly demonstrated thus far in this column, I am unquestionably the better man for you. There can be no deniability of this fact. But you have not even heard the most convincing information to this regard.

This other man, does he freak you like an animal, putting his sting in you sideways? Does he hit you up doggy-style until the sun comes up? Does he whisper in your ear that you are the most precious, sexiest gift of God that has ever existed in all of creation? No. Only Smoove B will do this for you. And only Smoove B will do it in sheets made of the most exotic European satin.

Follow your heart, baby. And come back to Smoove.

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