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Girl, She Means Nothing To Me

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Girl, She Means Nothing To Me

Aw, girl. You know I would never hurt you for all the gold and diamonds on Earth. You know I am your Smoove Man. And that is why I am begging you to look into your heart and forgive me for the wrong which I have done.

Baby, she means nothing to me. I am so sorry I sexed her wild that night when I should have been sexing you. I am so serious about being sorry that I am prepared to do anything to win back your love.

Do you wish for a fine Godiva chocolate, my nubian princess? If so, I will journey the world, visiting such countries as Malaysia, New Zealand, and France in a search for the very finest Godiva store on the planet. Smoove will personally screen each store for cleanliness, quality of product, and how dedicated each employee is to pleasing the most beautiful woman who ever lived. Then, I will tally all three columns of numbers into a master score for each location. This will determine which is the very finest Godiva store on Earth. And then, I will purchase the very finest piece of chocolate available at that store, maxing out my Discover card if necessary.

The chocolate will contain a sumptuous almond. There will also be caramel.

Once I possess the piece of chocolate, I will carry it back to your apartment on foot, not stopping even when my leg muscles scream in indescribable pain. On and on will I walk until I have brought this magnificent morsel of candy to your bedside. I will then put it inside the mouth of my queen using a pair of specially constructed solid-gold chocolate-feeding tongs.

That other woman? You must believe me when I say that I would not walk down to the Mobil station to get her a Clark bar.

This is only one respect in which I love you far more than that other girl. There are many others, as well.

Baby, even when you are mad at me, you make me love you so much. Right now, I want to take you in my arms and shower sweet kisses on your forehead and neck. I want to feel you unbuttoning my purple satin shirt and then sliding that shirt off one shoulder at a time, revealing me in my tank-top undershirt and golden cross pendant. At that point, I want to pick you up in my arms and carry you through my living room, past the kitchenette, and into the bedroom, where I will show you the true meaning of my love.

So please, girl, give me a chance to make it up to you. Let me show you that you are my universal everything and that, in comparison, that other woman is not even a whisper from a grain of sand on the world's smallest beach.

Let me make reservations at the finest restaurant in all of downtown, where we will dine on the finest steak and lobster, as well as many fine vegetables, including corn and green beans. And dessert, if you have room afterwards. The waiters will bow and scrape and tend to your every wish, for I will have pre-arranged this level of service with the manager.

A delicious mint will also arrive with the check.

After this meal, I will rent a fine hansom cab to convey us all around the downtown area, where we will see many fine hotels, in addition to the outskirts of the park. The driver will let us out only three blocks from my apartment building, and I will tip him generously. We will then walk past the envious eyes of the city to my crib, where we will get down all night long as the music of Freddie Jackson fills my bedroom. It is here that I will hit that ass doggystyle. I will leave you breathless.

If you only let me, I will fill you up with Smoove. We will freak nasty until the break of dawn.

Girl, I do not even remember her name. Pamela or something. It is irrelevant for our purposes.

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