Give It To Me As Roundabout And Sugarcoated As Possible, Doc

Top Headlines

Recent News

How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Give It To Me As Roundabout And Sugarcoated As Possible, Doc

Dr. Corbett, I have a feeling you’re about to give me some bad news. From the way you’re looking at my chart, I can tell the next words out of your mouth aren’t going to be good—there’s no two ways about it. That’s why I’m going to ask you to do me a favor, and just go ahead and give it to me as roundabout and sugarcoated as possible.

Take whatever it is you’ve got to tell me and find a way to make it really easy to swallow. Then at least I can walk out of here still clinging to the unfounded belief that everything’s going to be fine. I deserve that much.

Listen, doc. This is Jimmy you’re talking to here. I’m a grown man who really doesn’t want to deal with this right now. When I come into your office, I count on you to sit me down, look me square in the face, and—man to man—tiptoe around the difficult facts of my condition, so I can avoid coming to terms with any uncomfortable realities. That’s the kind of diluted, whitewashed medical opinion I rely on you for.

I don’t want you feeding me some line about survival rates or important steps we need to take right away. And I don’t want to listen to a bunch of terrifying numbers or an honest, forthright appraisal of my health. All I want is what every doctor owes every patient: a series of reassuring and evasive generalizations that gloss over any urgent threat to his well-being and allow him to continue living a life of willful denial.

Tell me exactly what I want to hear, doc. No more, no less.

If I have a serious illness, then I need you to come at me with that information as indirectly and ambiguously as you can. You got me? Beat around the bush on the results of my blood work, skirt the issue of how long I have to live, and, if possible, speak in careful euphemisms rather than mentioning any specific diagnosis. Should you see a terrified look in my eyes, be prepared with some vague anecdotal evidence aimed at convincing me that in cases like this, things often turn out just fine. It may not be easy for you, but I need you to take a deep breath, steady your voice, and be dangerously unclear with me here, okay?

And if that doesn’t work, and I start nervously insisting there must be some sort of mistake, you’ve got to take me aside and reassure me that while my results came back positive, such tests are never 100 percent accurate. Then look down at that chart in your hands and find something, anything, that indicates there may yet be a bright side to all of this.

Mince words with me, you understand? I need what you’re about to say to be easy to hear.

All I ask is that you just don’t tell me if I’m a goner. You absolutely cannot level with me on that point. I’m asking you, as my trusted physician, to insinuate that all these tests we’ve been running the past few weeks were basically just a precaution, and that there’s really nothing to worry about. So, go on, get to it. Say whatever you’ve got to say to prevent me from facing the bitter truth of my own mortality. Can you do that for me?

Come on, doc. I can take it.