Give Me Just One More Chance

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Vol 40 Issue 30

Kennel Certificate Proves Who Puppy Daddy Is

VALLEY MILLS, TX—An AKC certificate of pedigree proves conclusively that Duke, a 2-year-old Rottweiler from nearby Rock Springs, is the puppy daddy of Skipper, a Rottweiler born July 20, Cloverleaf Kennel sources reported Monday. "Duke can bark excuses all day and night, but this pedigree proves that Skipper his," said attorney Seth Freidman, who represents Ginger, Skipper's mama. "Duke should be responsible for Skipper's upbringing. I'm sick of hearing that it's a male dog's nature to seek out multiple breeding partners." A spokesperson for Duke said his client was lured by Ginger's promiscuity, insisting that "everyone know the bitch have litters by three different dogs before Duke."

Teen Gives Up Smoking Pot After Seeing Parents High

DEDHAM, MA—Elyssa Schuster, 16, swore Monday that she will never again experiment with marijuana after coming home to "obviously baked" parents Harold and Judy Saturday night. "I used to think smoking pot made you look cool, but, boy, was I wrong," Schuster said. "Dad got all paranoid about the mortgage rate while Mom spent an hour giggling about how dusty the ceiling fan was. It was so sad and depressing." Schuster said she was thankful to be scared straight before she made a fool of herself again.

Traveler Amazed By Sheer Number of Mexicans

MEXICO CITY—American tourist Michael Anderson expressed amazement Monday at the vast number of Mexicans populating Mexico City. "I guess it's obvious that the city would have a lot of Mexicans, but I wasn't mentally prepared for it," Anderson said. "I mean, really—they were everywhere. Tons of them. On every street corner. They were just everywhere." Last year, Anderson experienced similar culture-shock at the number of Asians in San Francisco's Chinatown.

Internet Collapses Under Sheer Weight Of Baby Pictures

SAN FRANCISCO—Many web users were trapped without service Monday, when a large section of the Internet collapsed under the weight of the millions of baby pictures posted online. "Some personal web pages contain literally hundreds of adorable infant photos," MCI senior vice-president Vinton Cerffe said. "Add to that the number of precious pumpkins on photo-sharing sites like Ophoto.com, and anyone can see it was a recipe for disaster. The Internet simply was not designed to support so much parental pride." Cerffe said he expects regular web-traffic flow to resume once the nation's larger Internet providers are reinforced with stronger cuteness-bearing servers.

The 9/11 Panel Report

The 9/11 Commission's final report, released last week, cited many failures on the part of the U.S. government. What do you think?

Rumsfeld Sick Of Jokes About His Fat Girlfriend

WASHINGTON, DC—During a coffee break at the Pentagon Monday, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced that he will no longer stand for jokes made at the expense of his 5'7", 197-pound girlfriend Mavis Delsman. "I can enjoy a good laugh just like anybody, but the next person to make a crack about my Mavis will be making jokes in the unemployment line," Rumsfeld said. "She's a very nice person and doesn't deserve to be talked about in that way." Rumsfeld added that he will take punitive action against the entire department if he even hears the phrase "junk in the trunk," whether it's in reference to Delsman or not.
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Give Me Just One More Chance

If you knew how much pain I am in while I write this column, you would read it all the way to the end and be moved by the heartache in every word. Each sentence contains the pain of my soul, and in particular the part of the soul that yearns for you but has been pushed aside.

I know that the last time we saw each other, you said you never wanted to see Smoove again. I know you have not responded to my e-mails, text messages, phone calls, faxes, or shouts from the street. I know you say you have another man who treats you better than Smoove. If it didn't hurt so much, I would laugh at this statement.

Do you not remember the magic we shared while we were together? When we touched, it was like we were floating on air, and we would float there all night until the sun came up. Do you really not remember this magic? Your new man cannot create this type of magic for you, because you and I are bound by a powerful force.

Can your new man make your whole body tingle with pleasure from a single kiss to your neck? Does your new man blindfold you and take you to another level of sensual experiences? Does your new man always smell as though he has just stepped out of the shower? Girl, you need that magic in your life again.

I know that I have already stated this, but this man is not right for you.

You say this man treats you like a princess, but didn't Smoove treat you like a queen? You say this man buys you jewelry and assorted designer handbags, but didn't Smoove buy you whatever your heart desired? You say this man takes you out on the town, but didn't Smoove also take you to the finest restaurants in the tri-county area, in addition to preparing you home-cooked meals using unusual gourmet mushrooms?

I know I can make things like they were. Give Smoove another chance—just one more chance, girl. I know I can make you forget about this handbag-giving man. If you would only listen to my apologies, you would know how serious I am about getting you back. Accept the gifts of chocolate, silken evening gowns, and flowers, and you will see how much I care. Only one glance at the price tag on any of these high-quality items should make you leave this man and run back to my waiting arms.

Please let me know if my words have touched your heart. Promise you will pick up the phone when I call. I don't think my soul can take the news that another message has gone unheard or deleted.

Just give me one evening. That is all I will need to make you love me again. You don't have to tell your man that we are meeting. If you wish, you could tell him that you are spending an evening alone with a friend, or that you are visiting a sick relative, or that you won a coupon for an evening at an overnight spa. Whichever of the three you choose, please make it soon. I cannot wait to drink in the loveliness that you have kept from me for so long.

Also, I'd like to smell your hair. You use the finest shampoo. As you know, I purchased a bottle of it for your use when at my home, but the scent of the shampoo is not the same unless it is mixed in with your hair. Smoove knows this.

You may be wondering how I plan to win you back in only one night, when there were so many problems between us. As this evening must be the most magical, sensual, and perfect night of your entire life, I will keep the details of it a secret in order to bring your arousal to its highest peak.

As a teaser, I will say that a few things will, without a doubt, occur. First, I will compliment you and express sincere regret over what happened between us. I will extend feelings of tenderness and warmth. Then, we will reminisce about the good times that we once shared. Dinner, which will have been carefully prepared over the course of the previous 24 hours, will be served at around 8. During dinner, as well as afterward, we will drink the finest wine from the best wine-producing regions of Australia. Or, if that wine does not meet your exacting standards, I will provide backup wines from the finest wine-producing regions of Chile, France, California, and Germany. There will also be warm appetizers.

After dinner, I will hit you doggy-style. This doggy-style sexing will last all night long. I remember that this is the way that you like it.

If this night of intriguing possibility does not warm your heart, then perhaps you are truly lost to me. But Smoove still has hope in his heart that this one last effort to win back your love will work. If you only would pick up that phone, I know it would succeed.

Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps this other man possesses qualities that Smoove does not know about. From what I hear, you two often go to the movies together. Perhaps he has an unlimited pass at the theater or friends who work at the box office and give you two a discount. In spite of your new man's apparent wealth of movie passes, I beg you to give me one more chance. If you do not like the idea of the evening I described above and would rather just go to the movies, we can do that, too. We can do whatever your heart truly desires. I know I can make things right again.

You have my cell-phone number if you wish to call.

Smoove out.

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