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Give Me Just One More Chance

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Give Me Just One More Chance

If you knew how much pain I am in while I write this column, you would read it all the way to the end and be moved by the heartache in every word. Each sentence contains the pain of my soul, and in particular the part of the soul that yearns for you but has been pushed aside.

I know that the last time we saw each other, you said you never wanted to see Smoove again. I know you have not responded to my e-mails, text messages, phone calls, faxes, or shouts from the street. I know you say you have another man who treats you better than Smoove. If it didn't hurt so much, I would laugh at this statement.

Do you not remember the magic we shared while we were together? When we touched, it was like we were floating on air, and we would float there all night until the sun came up. Do you really not remember this magic? Your new man cannot create this type of magic for you, because you and I are bound by a powerful force.

Can your new man make your whole body tingle with pleasure from a single kiss to your neck? Does your new man blindfold you and take you to another level of sensual experiences? Does your new man always smell as though he has just stepped out of the shower? Girl, you need that magic in your life again.

I know that I have already stated this, but this man is not right for you.

You say this man treats you like a princess, but didn't Smoove treat you like a queen? You say this man buys you jewelry and assorted designer handbags, but didn't Smoove buy you whatever your heart desired? You say this man takes you out on the town, but didn't Smoove also take you to the finest restaurants in the tri-county area, in addition to preparing you home-cooked meals using unusual gourmet mushrooms?

I know I can make things like they were. Give Smoove another chance—just one more chance, girl. I know I can make you forget about this handbag-giving man. If you would only listen to my apologies, you would know how serious I am about getting you back. Accept the gifts of chocolate, silken evening gowns, and flowers, and you will see how much I care. Only one glance at the price tag on any of these high-quality items should make you leave this man and run back to my waiting arms.

Please let me know if my words have touched your heart. Promise you will pick up the phone when I call. I don't think my soul can take the news that another message has gone unheard or deleted.

Just give me one evening. That is all I will need to make you love me again. You don't have to tell your man that we are meeting. If you wish, you could tell him that you are spending an evening alone with a friend, or that you are visiting a sick relative, or that you won a coupon for an evening at an overnight spa. Whichever of the three you choose, please make it soon. I cannot wait to drink in the loveliness that you have kept from me for so long.

Also, I'd like to smell your hair. You use the finest shampoo. As you know, I purchased a bottle of it for your use when at my home, but the scent of the shampoo is not the same unless it is mixed in with your hair. Smoove knows this.

You may be wondering how I plan to win you back in only one night, when there were so many problems between us. As this evening must be the most magical, sensual, and perfect night of your entire life, I will keep the details of it a secret in order to bring your arousal to its highest peak.

As a teaser, I will say that a few things will, without a doubt, occur. First, I will compliment you and express sincere regret over what happened between us. I will extend feelings of tenderness and warmth. Then, we will reminisce about the good times that we once shared. Dinner, which will have been carefully prepared over the course of the previous 24 hours, will be served at around 8. During dinner, as well as afterward, we will drink the finest wine from the best wine-producing regions of Australia. Or, if that wine does not meet your exacting standards, I will provide backup wines from the finest wine-producing regions of Chile, France, California, and Germany. There will also be warm appetizers.

After dinner, I will hit you doggy-style. This doggy-style sexing will last all night long. I remember that this is the way that you like it.

If this night of intriguing possibility does not warm your heart, then perhaps you are truly lost to me. But Smoove still has hope in his heart that this one last effort to win back your love will work. If you only would pick up that phone, I know it would succeed.

Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps this other man possesses qualities that Smoove does not know about. From what I hear, you two often go to the movies together. Perhaps he has an unlimited pass at the theater or friends who work at the box office and give you two a discount. In spite of your new man's apparent wealth of movie passes, I beg you to give me one more chance. If you do not like the idea of the evening I described above and would rather just go to the movies, we can do that, too. We can do whatever your heart truly desires. I know I can make things right again.

You have my cell-phone number if you wish to call.

Smoove out.

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