Go Easy On The President!

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Vol 34 Issue 11

Chicken Killed

WAYCROSS, GA—In a grisly murder that has stunned residents, the gutted remains of a local chicken were found in a dumpster.

Just Call Me Jean The Football Widow!

With fall coming, that can only mean two things: time to put up the Halloween decorations, and football weekends. And guess which one hubby Rick loves and I hate! Rick sits in front of that TV for so long, cobwebs form around him! Meanwhile, who gets to do the grocery shopping, the cleaning, and the laundry? You guessed it–old Jean the football widow herself!

Huge Animal Jumps Right Fucking Out In Front Of Area Man

MOORHEAD, MN–Moorhead resident Carl Perry damn near shit himself Monday, when a big-ass animal jumped right the fuck out in front of his Chevy pick-up. According to reports, the 41-year-old Perry was driving on Highway C to Ed's Tavern when the huge fucking thing jumped right the fuck out in front of him from out of nowhere. Though the animal, described by witnesses as a big-old son of a bitch with these weird-looking horns, jumped clear of the vehicle before collision, the fuck was scared out of Perry.

Night Watchman Keeps Leno Under Close Surveillance

DUNCANVILLE, TX–Ray Shymanski, a night watchman at a Duncanville auto-parts warehouse, has been keeping an extra-close eye out for Tonight Show host Jay Leno, it was learned Tuesday. For nearly two months, Shymanski has not let Leno out of his sight, following him closely on a five-inch portable monitor he brings to work each night. "What Mr. Leno says, I will hear. What he does, I will see," the determined Shymanski said. "Leno will not leave my sight at any time, even if I have to wait for commercial breaks to go to the bathroom." Shymanski, also known for his close observation of Conan O'Brien and Tom Snyder, said that Leno will continue to be singled out. "Leno had better not try anything funny," he warned ominously.

Suburbanite Saved From Certain Poisoning By Brita Filter

SYOSSET, NY–Long Island homemaker Judith Weiss narrowly escaped poisoning Tuesday when her tap water was purified by her Brita Water Filtration System. "If not for this Brita filter, I would have died," a shaken Weiss said after drinking a glass of filtered water. "My water was filled with lead, copper, and other dangerous impurities, but this filter intercepted them just in time." In addition to saving the lives of Weiss and her family, the heroic filter also improved the water's taste and odor through its patented chlorine-removal system.

Custody Battle Sparks Couple's First-Ever Interest In Child

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO–Area 8-year-old Danny Rasmussen is enjoying the attention of his parents for the first time ever, thanks to a bitter custody battle, it was reported Monday. "I sure as hell ain't letting Denice get the kid," father Larry Rasmussen said. "She got the house and the car, so I've got to keep something from that bitch." Denice Rasmussen expressed a similar determination. "I'll do whatever it takes to deny Larry custody," she said. "I'll even take that kid out and buy him whatever he wants." Danny, unaccustomed to being prioritized by his parents, is rejoicing over his newfound importance in their lives. "This means that they love me," he said.

Taco Bell's Five Ingredients Combined In Totally New Way

LOUISVILLE, KY–With great fanfare Monday, Taco Bell unveiled the Grandito, an exciting new permutation of refried beans, ground beef, cheddar cheese, lettuce, and a corn tortilla. "You've never tasted Taco Bell's five ingredients combined quite like this," Taco Bell CEO Walter Berenyi said. "The revolutionary new Grandito, with its ground beef on top of the cheese but under the beans, is configured unlike anything you've ever eaten here at Taco Bell." The fast-food chain made waves earlier this year with its introduction of the Zestito, in which the beans are on top of the lettuce, and the Mexiwrap, in which the tortilla is slightly more oblong.

The Budget Surplus

The 1998 fiscal year ended with a federal budget surplus of $70 billion, the first surplus in three decades. What do you think?
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Go Easy On The President!

I was recently informed that Congress is considering impeaching the president, ostensibly over his lying about his dalliance with a comely young belle. To those who would bring our great Chief Executive down, I say this: Cut some slack for poor President Harding!

Have you ever seen Harding's wife? I would happily squire an ulcerated chippy about town rather than be seen with a leather-faced battle-axe like Florence Harding. That harridan would be at home amongst a nest of Harpies, stripping the flesh from sailors' bones with whetted talons. I am surprised the president limited his philandering to that Nan Britton girl. If I were Harding, I would eschew the female caress altogether and become an ardent homo-sexual; anything to rid myself of the memory of that screeching Archaeopteryx.

Important statesmen and captains of industry are entitled to certain privileges, among which is the ravishing of unwed maidens. With that in mind, I wish to renew my own request for a mistress. Since announcing concubine auditions in April, I have received not a single reply. Foolish females! Do you not realize that I am one of the richest and most powerful men in the Republic?

My man-servant Standish advised me that perhaps my request was too vague, and that I should explain to the readers what qualities I would desire in a mistress. That would not be hard to explain.

Around my withered neck I wear a golden locket, which contains a likeness of a beautiful lady. I have worn it for over a century. But this fair lady is neither my late wife nor the lovely Miss Lillian Gish, with whom I have long been besotted. No, on this little scrap of paper is my Ideal Lady, the very embodiment of Beauty, Charm, Grace, Nobility, Modesty, and Charity.

It is true that I cut this image out of the Ladies Wearing-Apparel section of the F. J. Abernathy Dry-Goods Catalogue in 1895. But I guarantee that any young lady who resembles her in appearance and virtue shall receive all the riches she covets, as well as my amorous attentions. Address all inquiries care of the Zweibel Estate, attention Man-servant Standish.

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