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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Go Easy On The President!

I was recently informed that Congress is considering impeaching the president, ostensibly over his lying about his dalliance with a comely young belle. To those who would bring our great Chief Executive down, I say this: Cut some slack for poor President Harding!

Have you ever seen Harding's wife? I would happily squire an ulcerated chippy about town rather than be seen with a leather-faced battle-axe like Florence Harding. That harridan would be at home amongst a nest of Harpies, stripping the flesh from sailors' bones with whetted talons. I am surprised the president limited his philandering to that Nan Britton girl. If I were Harding, I would eschew the female caress altogether and become an ardent homo-sexual; anything to rid myself of the memory of that screeching Archaeopteryx.

Important statesmen and captains of industry are entitled to certain privileges, among which is the ravishing of unwed maidens. With that in mind, I wish to renew my own request for a mistress. Since announcing concubine auditions in April, I have received not a single reply. Foolish females! Do you not realize that I am one of the richest and most powerful men in the Republic?

My man-servant Standish advised me that perhaps my request was too vague, and that I should explain to the readers what qualities I would desire in a mistress. That would not be hard to explain.

Around my withered neck I wear a golden locket, which contains a likeness of a beautiful lady. I have worn it for over a century. But this fair lady is neither my late wife nor the lovely Miss Lillian Gish, with whom I have long been besotted. No, on this little scrap of paper is my Ideal Lady, the very embodiment of Beauty, Charm, Grace, Nobility, Modesty, and Charity.

It is true that I cut this image out of the Ladies Wearing-Apparel section of the F. J. Abernathy Dry-Goods Catalogue in 1895. But I guarantee that any young lady who resembles her in appearance and virtue shall receive all the riches she covets, as well as my amorous attentions. Address all inquiries care of the Zweibel Estate, attention Man-servant Standish.

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