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Go Easy On The President!

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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Go Easy On The President!

I was recently informed that Congress is considering impeaching the president, ostensibly over his lying about his dalliance with a comely young belle. To those who would bring our great Chief Executive down, I say this: Cut some slack for poor President Harding!

Have you ever seen Harding's wife? I would happily squire an ulcerated chippy about town rather than be seen with a leather-faced battle-axe like Florence Harding. That harridan would be at home amongst a nest of Harpies, stripping the flesh from sailors' bones with whetted talons. I am surprised the president limited his philandering to that Nan Britton girl. If I were Harding, I would eschew the female caress altogether and become an ardent homo-sexual; anything to rid myself of the memory of that screeching Archaeopteryx.

Important statesmen and captains of industry are entitled to certain privileges, among which is the ravishing of unwed maidens. With that in mind, I wish to renew my own request for a mistress. Since announcing concubine auditions in April, I have received not a single reply. Foolish females! Do you not realize that I am one of the richest and most powerful men in the Republic?

My man-servant Standish advised me that perhaps my request was too vague, and that I should explain to the readers what qualities I would desire in a mistress. That would not be hard to explain.

Around my withered neck I wear a golden locket, which contains a likeness of a beautiful lady. I have worn it for over a century. But this fair lady is neither my late wife nor the lovely Miss Lillian Gish, with whom I have long been besotted. No, on this little scrap of paper is my Ideal Lady, the very embodiment of Beauty, Charm, Grace, Nobility, Modesty, and Charity.

It is true that I cut this image out of the Ladies Wearing-Apparel section of the F. J. Abernathy Dry-Goods Catalogue in 1895. But I guarantee that any young lady who resembles her in appearance and virtue shall receive all the riches she covets, as well as my amorous attentions. Address all inquiries care of the Zweibel Estate, attention Man-servant Standish.

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