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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Go Easy On The President!

I was recently informed that Congress is considering impeaching the president, ostensibly over his lying about his dalliance with a comely young belle. To those who would bring our great Chief Executive down, I say this: Cut some slack for poor President Harding!

Have you ever seen Harding's wife? I would happily squire an ulcerated chippy about town rather than be seen with a leather-faced battle-axe like Florence Harding. That harridan would be at home amongst a nest of Harpies, stripping the flesh from sailors' bones with whetted talons. I am surprised the president limited his philandering to that Nan Britton girl. If I were Harding, I would eschew the female caress altogether and become an ardent homo-sexual; anything to rid myself of the memory of that screeching Archaeopteryx.

Important statesmen and captains of industry are entitled to certain privileges, among which is the ravishing of unwed maidens. With that in mind, I wish to renew my own request for a mistress. Since announcing concubine auditions in April, I have received not a single reply. Foolish females! Do you not realize that I am one of the richest and most powerful men in the Republic?

My man-servant Standish advised me that perhaps my request was too vague, and that I should explain to the readers what qualities I would desire in a mistress. That would not be hard to explain.

Around my withered neck I wear a golden locket, which contains a likeness of a beautiful lady. I have worn it for over a century. But this fair lady is neither my late wife nor the lovely Miss Lillian Gish, with whom I have long been besotted. No, on this little scrap of paper is my Ideal Lady, the very embodiment of Beauty, Charm, Grace, Nobility, Modesty, and Charity.

It is true that I cut this image out of the Ladies Wearing-Apparel section of the F. J. Abernathy Dry-Goods Catalogue in 1895. But I guarantee that any young lady who resembles her in appearance and virtue shall receive all the riches she covets, as well as my amorous attentions. Address all inquiries care of the Zweibel Estate, attention Man-servant Standish.

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