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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Go Easy On The President!

I was recently informed that Congress is considering impeaching the president, ostensibly over his lying about his dalliance with a comely young belle. To those who would bring our great Chief Executive down, I say this: Cut some slack for poor President Harding!

Have you ever seen Harding's wife? I would happily squire an ulcerated chippy about town rather than be seen with a leather-faced battle-axe like Florence Harding. That harridan would be at home amongst a nest of Harpies, stripping the flesh from sailors' bones with whetted talons. I am surprised the president limited his philandering to that Nan Britton girl. If I were Harding, I would eschew the female caress altogether and become an ardent homo-sexual; anything to rid myself of the memory of that screeching Archaeopteryx.

Important statesmen and captains of industry are entitled to certain privileges, among which is the ravishing of unwed maidens. With that in mind, I wish to renew my own request for a mistress. Since announcing concubine auditions in April, I have received not a single reply. Foolish females! Do you not realize that I am one of the richest and most powerful men in the Republic?

My man-servant Standish advised me that perhaps my request was too vague, and that I should explain to the readers what qualities I would desire in a mistress. That would not be hard to explain.

Around my withered neck I wear a golden locket, which contains a likeness of a beautiful lady. I have worn it for over a century. But this fair lady is neither my late wife nor the lovely Miss Lillian Gish, with whom I have long been besotted. No, on this little scrap of paper is my Ideal Lady, the very embodiment of Beauty, Charm, Grace, Nobility, Modesty, and Charity.

It is true that I cut this image out of the Ladies Wearing-Apparel section of the F. J. Abernathy Dry-Goods Catalogue in 1895. But I guarantee that any young lady who resembles her in appearance and virtue shall receive all the riches she covets, as well as my amorous attentions. Address all inquiries care of the Zweibel Estate, attention Man-servant Standish.

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